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Penetration
during sex - the female (receiving) view
This page talks more about
sexual intercourse, which
started with the page on
intromission.
It's a brief discussion of
how it might feel to
receive penetration, or to be penetrated.
Although I am calling this the female view,
the same issues might arise for a man
receiving penetration, whether from a woman
using her fingers or a sex toy, or another
man.
The word penetration
strictly speaking stands for the
introduction of a penis either into the
vagina or the rectum. Another technical word
used for this process is intromission.
However, for our discussion here, it makes
sense to see penetration in a broader way, as
introducing penis, fingers or sex toys into
the vagina or rectum.
It's
safe, natural and free from any
harmful chemicals. It lasts a long
time and it's safe with condoms. Just
like a woman's natural moisture, it
makes for great sex: use it when you
need a little extra moisture.
Penetration is a major thing
for many people. How come it makes such a
big psychological impact?
First, penetration is
often seen as the one and only way to have
"real sex". It reinforces all the old gender
stereotypes that it's something a man "does
to" a woman. She can't do it to him
because of her anatomy. So, during sex, she stays passive and receives
"him" (i.e. his penis) and in
some way he "possesses" her because of that.
Unfortunately, this one
sided view of penetration doesn't help your
sex life. Human beings are a lot more
complicated than simple biology. Women can
penetrate men too - and in any case being
penetrated isn't a passive process at all.
What's more, you can never possess another
person that way, and it certainly isn't the
only real or right way to have sex.
Even though we seem to be programmed to see
penetration as the ultimate sexual act,
trying other ways of having sex can be
extremely liberating.
True, penetration has its
kicks. Some women, and some men, love the feeling
of being filled up, or feeling full. And,
yes, penetration can result in intense
sexual feelings. Some people experience it
as an intense sexual kick when their body's entered by another
person. And the physical
sensations can go hand in hand with the
psychological aspects of penetration: feeling extremely close to someone as he or
she is in your body, feeling taken over,
possessed, devoured, "taken". Penetration
might mean the receiving partner can really
go into his or her sexual feelings.
In short, penetrating or being penetrated can be an amazing
sexual experience. It can
satisfy the sexual desire in us that wants to
possess, to devour, to take someone - or to
be taken.
The
downsides of penetration
However, penetration doesn't
work for everybody. Many women do not reach
orgasm
through penetration alone, though this also depends
on how much foreplay there's been and how
aroused she is. In fact many women
only reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation,
which tends not to happen with penetration
alone.
If that's true for you, maybe oral sex or manual
stimulation is a lot more exciting than
penetration.
What's more, penetration can
feel very threatening.
The experience of letting someone enter your
body can be very frightening. The person being penetrated may feel
like he or she has no control over the
process: they may feel powerless. They may
see it as something that's "done to you",
not "done with you." Additionally, penetration is
actually used
by some people as an act of domination, as
in rape. That's bad enough, but our culture often
reinforces this fear of penetration with
negative
images we see on TV and in films.
Psychologically, it can be
very hard for some people to let go and
trust another enough to let them enter their
secret spaces. It's not surprising
some women have a fear of penetration, which
can manifest itself in the form of
"penetration phobia" or
vaginismus. The same is true for some
gay men, who choose not to have penetrative sex.
Straight men who are afraid of penetration
(having their partner's finger up their
anus, for example) can simply avoid the issue by sticking with
conventional sexual behavior (that's the
stuff that society acknowledges as
"normal").
Some last
positive words on penetration
To allow another person into
your body (and even into yourself) so
intimately can be a very intense sexual and
emotional experience. And the process of penetration can be slow and
gentle as well as passionate and
all-consuming. As with all sexual issues, it makes
sense to talk with your partner about it -
including
your fears as well as your desires. If you're afraid of penetration, you can
use this fact to start to explore your fears and mistrust.
But, when all's said and done,
if you really aren't into it, there are
plenty of other really sexy things you
can do with your lover. [Rod adds: Such as?
Well, oral sex, mutual masturbation,
frottage (that's rubbing your bodies
together till you reach orgasm, also known
as dry humping - though you could use lube
and make it a bit damper), kissing, massage,
anal play (touching, kissing, fondling on,
around or in the anus), vulval play
(caressing, kissing, playing around or on
the vulva), dominance/submission games,
dressing up, sex toys, vibrators.....and so
on.]
References:
Francoeur, R. (1995) The
Complete Dictionary of Sexology. New
expanded edition. Continuum New York
