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Penetration - a male (giving) view

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My colleague, Anna, has written on another page (see link above) of penetration from a female point of view. So here's a male view of the same subject.

One of the most powerful moments of my life was the first time I penetrated a woman sexually. It represented to me what it represents to many men - a coming of age, a sign of manhood, a rite of passage that proves you're really a man and makes you equal in some way to all the other men out there who've done it before you. I think a man's first experience of sex changes him irrevocably in some way, whether the experience is good or bad.

 

 

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You'll notice that there's nothing there about the woman's experience of sex, and I think that makes an interesting point. For men, the reward of sex can be their own physical experience - and I don't just mean the first time they do it. Women probably find it hard to understand (though they may have experience of this), but men can have intercourse without much emotional engagement and still find it a rewarding experience. This is because having your penis inside a vagina is an extremely pleasurable physical experience. A woman once said to me, "Men find it hard to go beyond bodies," a rather patronizing statement but unfortunately one that does have an element of truth in it. Men are strongly programmed to respond to sexual stimuli with the desire to fuck; and fucking is a very pleasurable experience. It's only our humanity which allows us to go beyond that instinctive urge and find an emotional connection with our lovers.

 

This may also be true for women, but I hear a lot fewer women saying they would like to fuck a man because of the way he looks than the other way round. Maybe that's a cultural thing, maybe it isn't. Anyhow, to paraphrase Woody Allen, sex without love may be an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the better ones. There is no physical sensation that I can think of right now that is as wonderful as feeling the warmth and wetness of your partner as you enter her. In fact even the very thought of it is exciting.

Now, of course sex is even better when it has the added dimension of love (or at least respect and/or trust) for one's partner. Then the physical experience is magnified and complemented by the pleasure of knowing that you're having the most intimate experience possible with a special person, one whom you love. But the magic of that moment of penetration still remains, and it's still perhaps the finest moment of sex. Or maybe that's the moment of ejaculation....I suppose it's different for different men.

 

Now, what of the psychological aspects of this? What of the possibly darker edge here, that of "taking" a woman, of possessing her? I think there's a very profound instinctual urge at work in men when they have sex. It manifests as an instinctual urge to thrust deep and fast at the moment of orgasm and ejaculation, and also in the way a man may hold his partner tight as he comes - these are biological instincts that help to ensure a successful mating. But I believe the psychological aspect of these instincts is a deep sense of fulfillment and satisfaction that comes from the physical act of sex; it's the sense of taking one's partner, of ejaculating deep inside her, that is so deeply rewarding for men - and it reinforces our sense of masculinity.

With such instinctual force behind the act of penetration, no wonder women may feel a little overwhelmed or threatened by male desire on occasion; but I believe there is a force just as powerful (in fact, I'd say more powerful) within a woman, which can be unleashed when she is aroused and free (or relatively free) of inhibitions and issues around sex. It's the meeting of these two forces that provides the most powerful sexual experiences of our lives.

 

On the other hand, Anna emphasizes that some women (I'm looking at this from a heterosexual perspective) find penetration threatening. I'm not surprised; let me explain.

There are all kinds of reasons for this - but I think primarily the problem is that the penis is such an ambiguous thing. It can be a "sword of light" or a "wand of love" (to quote two expressions used in the world of Tantric sex), but it can also be a tool of dominance, of subjugation, of revenge and anger. For a lot of men, the desire to take a woman and subjugate her is, in my opinion, never that far below the surface. This is more to do with men's resentment of women and perhaps a deeply held anger against women than anything else.

I'm talking about a level of anger far below conscious awareness. It's my observation after years of working with men that many men are angry towards women. (I think the same is true of women towards men, by the way, but they don't have the opportunity to use penetration as a way of expressing this). Whether this anger comes from boyhood or adult relationships is almost an irrelevance. The point is that the words "I want to fuck you," said in the heat of sexual desire, may have a connotation of "Fuck You, then!" expressed all too literally. "Taking a woman," delicious though the experience may be, certainly has a connotation of subjugation, of establishing dominance.

 

Lastly, to be even more controversial, I'd add that I think most women want - in an ideal relationship, and maybe even outside an ideal relationship - to "be taken" just as much as men want to take them: but not out of anger, and only by a man they have already checked out and found to be desirable, whatever that may mean to the individual woman. Again, we delve deeply into the world of our most basic instincts here, and I must emphasize this point: it's only our humanity which allows us to move beyond our basic urges.

 

On a simpler level, women who have had bad sexual experiences in childhood or adulthood may fear sex. They will probably not find penetration and vaginal intercourse to be so wonderful (unless they have had therapy).

Now, I have no idea if penetration can be as rewarding for a woman as it is for a man (thought I suspect it can be when a couple are in love or a woman is feeling very horny), but what I do know is this: I have made love to enough women who have wanted me inside them to say with confidence that if you're a woman and you don't find sex easy or rewarding, then you owe it to yourself to get some psychosexual therapy.

That way, you can enjoy the most profound pleasures of your womanhood - being able to take a man inside your vagina and feel comfortable with it, respond with your own sexual power, and meet him as truly equal and complementary, rather than as subjugated and sexually oppressed.

 

Are you a man or woman in a same-sex relationship?
 
Would you like to write for us on what penetration means for you? If so, please email
Rod "at" sex-and-relationships.com

 

Your comments on this article are very welcome: Rod "at" sex-and-relationships.com

Written by Rod, 02/05/2007


 

 
 

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