Foreplay

Main Tips:

• Take your time! Women need much more time then men to get going.

• Foreplay is really good sex in itself. Don't be afraid to make it so.

• Sex takes energy and time. Make sure you've got both (if not, change your life!).

• Oral sex always seems to be a brilliant option.

• Be creative. What really does turn you on?

• Don't be afraid to say "no." If you can say "no" to your lover, you'll be able to give him or her a much more enthusiastic "yes" when you're up for it next time.

He says:

Good foreplay is based on sensitivity. You need to be sensitive to your lover's needs, to what will turn them on, to what they want from your lovemaking.  And this won't be the same each time you make love. But unless you're both burning with sexual desire, and happy to have a "quickie", it's almost certain there'll be a difference in how quickly you both get turned on and ready for intercourse.

We know that, on average, it takes between ten and twenty times as long for a woman to become aroused as it does for a man. This means that for the first twenty minutes or so of lovemaking, a man may be erect and ready to enter his partner, while she'll most likely just be warming up.

She says:

I agree with Rod on this, women need time to get going, both physically and emotionally. Foreplay can be a time of slowly matching your rhythm to your partner's, but it can also be a time of play-fighting and teasing. Additionally, foreplay doesn't start with the first touch, or the first kiss, it might start with a phone call at lunch time or a shared knowing look. Women like to be wooed. Find out what your partner responds to: more time together, emotional closeness, or flirtatiousness, gifts, practical help or a bit of passionate disagreeing. Same for your man. OK, he might respond much quicker to your advances than you as a woman might to his, but feel free to seduce him anyway, even if he doesn't need to be. There's a good chance you'll both have a great time if you try!

I think part of why it takes women so long to get going is that we tend to always be multi-tasking. So while we're juggling the washing and tomorrow's demands in our heads, it's easy for us to leave our bodies behind and not notice that we're feeling quite sexy. Women need some time to switch off all that noise in their heads! Of course you could help a bit by doing that boring task she's got in mind for herself tomorrow morning!

Additionally, it's really important that both of you can say no to the other's advances without fearing that there will be bad feelings or a week of silence and moodiness. Sex only works well if you don't feel pressurized into it, whether that's by your lover or yourself.

He says:

We also know that a woman's vagina can be moist and apparently well-lubricated long before she's psychologically ready for her man to enter her. The way to deal with this discrepancy is to have good foreplay.

What good foreplay means to you may be very different to what it means to other couples, and indeed to you each time you make love. Even so, good foreplay always involves sensitivity, kissing, touching, and establishing a close rapport with your partner.   

She says:

Be curious about how many different ways the two of you can find to get going. Even if one approach works some of the time, it may well get really boring really quickly if that's all you do! And men, remember women are fairly visual too, so look after your body, all of it, not just your favorite bit, because there's a good chance that looking at your body will turn her on.

He says:

Men are just as sensitive to touch on their skin as women are, but a couple's foreplay will very often center on the man touching the woman. If this is how it usually works for you, it's important to remember that most women resent a man heading straight for their breasts or vulva. It's only through gentle touch on her non-sexual areas that a woman will become aware of her desire to be touched sexually.  

If you're kissing, remember that most women see kissing as an extremely romantic act. But kissing doesn't have to be limited to the mouth. There's great fun to be had in finding out which areas of your partner's body are most sensitive to your lips and tongue. For example, try kissing your lover's stomach, back, shoulders or feet. You can gradually work round to kissing each other on or near the penis, testicles and vulva – but in the latter case only when she's sexually aroused.

She says:

I can understand if men get fed up with doing all the active bits in foreplay all the time. Don't be afraid to ask your partner to touch you, and she'll probably offer you what turns her on: a slow, sensuous, full-body massage. Take your time to enjoy it. This could also be a great way for men to lose their performance anxiety and other pressures around sex.

He says:

Kissing a woman's breasts is likely to be very arousing for her – many women say it feels as if  there's a direct connection between their nipples and their genitals!  Once again, however, sensitivity and gentleness are appropriate in the early stages of your lovemaking. You can use a firmer pressure and touch as you both become more aroused. And it's always important to remember that a woman will probably want the warm embrace of her lover's mouth on her clitoris only when she's getting quite aroused: in the early stages of sex, a direct touch on her clitoris can be too intense to be pleasurable. As a man, your focus should initially be on gentle caresses of your partner's labia, thighs, stomach, and pubic mound, but always adapted to what you know she enjoys the most.  

She says:

I think one can't repeat that enough: women need to be touched all over first. Don't go for the sexual parts of her body first, there's a good chance that she'll just get turned off by it. Sexual parts also include breasts. Take your time before you touch them. Many women feel quite vulnerable when it comes to their breasts (too big, too small, too floppy), so give your lover some time to settle into the sense of arousal in her body first.

He says:

Good communication is essential for good sex. Unfortunately, many couples find it difficult to express their wishes desires during sex. Yet, in this most intimate of acts, expressing what you like and don't like is vital to achieving sexual pleasure.  

A good way to communicate is to gently guide your partner by giving them positive feedback when they're doing something you enjoy. For example, if you're a woman enjoying oral sex from your man, but he's not touching you where you'd really like to be touched, you can say something like, "That feels good, but I like it even more when you kiss around my vagina. And it feels even better when you keep moving your tongue all over rather than just focusing on my clit." 

Above all, try to avoid saying anything that sounds critical to your partner – he or she'll be working hard to please you, and even if they're not doing it the way you want, the only way they'll know how you like it is if you tell them. Of course, if you prefer, you can communicate this without saying anything simply by moving your body. For example, if you're a woman enjoying the sensations as your lover gives you oral sex or masturbates you, and you don't want to speak, try pressing your vulva more closely against his mouth or fingers, or giving a moan of enthusiasm and pleasure – all these things will tell him what he needs to know.    

She says:

Ditto! Communication is everything. Quite often women need to be much clearer about what they want, as their sexual responses are more complicated and unpredictable than men's. Women: there is a good chance that your lover is really wanting to please you, but simply doesn't know how, because he can't read your mind. Don't leave him in the dark!

He says:

Men enjoy sexual play that focuses on their penis, whereas women are more body-centered. It's therefore natural for a man to assume that his partner will appreciate attention to her vulva and clitoris, and while this may well be true, she'll also appreciate his attention to her breasts, thighs, buttocks, stomach, neck and especially the area around her anus and vulva, which can be exquisitely sensitive to sexual stimulation. 

Since bacteria from the anus can be easily introduced into the vagina, if you do enjoy anal play, it's wise to ensure that you use different toys or fingers for anal and vaginal contact, whether or not this involves penetration.

She says:

I really agree. Go with a variety of touch from stroking all of her body, to a firm, full-on body squeeze, to licking, kissing, eye contact and verbal communication. However, just as Rod says, be careful around bacteria and anal play. Most women will be very protective around their body entrances and it'll certainly be on her mind where your hand or finger has just been, even if it's not on your mind. I'd rather suggest being a bit over-cautious here, rather than just assuming it's OK. Make sure she knows that you are mindful of this, otherwise this could be the end of your sexual encounter.

Oral sex for her

He says:

Oral sex has been described as many women's favorite sexual activity in survey after survey. This may be a challenging thing for men to accept, because male pride often depends on being erect and enjoying intercourse. But while it's true that many women really enjoy having their man inside them, only a small minority of about twenty percent will ever be able to reach orgasm in this way. Many more women can easily reach orgasm through oral sex.

In fact, combining the soft warmth of your tongue and lips with the delicate touch of your fingers is likely to give your partner some delightful sensations that can lead her to a powerful orgasm. She'll certainly appreciate gentle and loving caresses to other parts of her body like her breasts while you give her pleasure in this way.   

Try experimenting with your tongue – move it around her vulva and the opening to her vagina, finding the spots where she's most responsive and sensitive.  If you sense that she's approaching orgasm, you can apply a more direct pressure to her clitoris with your finger.  

She says:

Good oral sex for women needs a lot of communication both ways. Women may really enjoy oral sex, but feel ashamed about wanting it or they might need extra reassurance that their lover really enjoys giving oral sex to them. I think the fact that men enjoy it is something women need to mull over for a bit before they can comprehend it - and, yes, it really does turn him on! So, men, keep showing her that you are enjoying yourself, and let her know that you are doing this as much for yourself as for her.

How women like oral sex is a very individualistic thing. Again, give her time to get aroused especially if you want to use your fingers too. Some women like a lot of pressure, but only on the vulva and not near the clitoris; others like soft stroking or sucking plus maybe manual stimulation of the G-spot inside the vagina. Take your time to explore her reactions and don't feel afraid to ask for feedback. Also, give your lover some time to practice receiving. A lot of women aren't too good at just lying back and losing themselves in their own bodily sensations. But again, all women are different and any generalizations will probably be disproven by your lover!

He says:

Keeping a rhythmic movement going is important. Unlike men, who want harder and faster stimulation as they approach orgasm, most women prefer to have an even and regular tempo right up to the moment when they begin to come – then slightly harder pressure can tip them over the edge into orgasm.

Another very good reason for incorporating cunnilingus – that's when the man licks or kisses his partner's vulva – into foreplay is that when a woman has already enjoyed an orgasm during oral sex, she'll be more aroused and ready for penetration. And if she's already had an orgasm, it may matter rather less to her if her man as a tendency to ejaculate quickly after he inserts his penis into her vagina. 

She says:

I am sure most women won't mind if their partner ejaculates quickly if they've had plenty of time beforehand to come through oral sex. In fact this set-up makes the whole panic men seem to have about coming too quickly rather unnecessary.

He says:

Although women can experience multiple orgasm much more easily than men, not all women will want you to continue touching their clitoris and vulva after they've reached orgasm. For some women, the clitoris is extremely sensitive at this point, and touching it can be unpleasantly intense. Other women, however, will enjoy further touch and possibly enjoy another orgasm as well. 

Although oral sex is undoubtedly extremely enjoyable, some women have doubts and fears about the sight and scent of their bodies which may prevent them from relaxing and enjoying it. But what most women don't know is that very few men are anywhere near as critical of a woman's body as she herself may be. In particular, the scent and taste of her vulva is likely to be extremely arousing to a man: indeed, we've heard men refer to the vulva as a "honey pot", which is a good reflection of how sweet and delicious this part of a woman's body can seem to a man's senses.

She says:

I think that's really key, that women are very critical of their bodies and that their vaginas are often associated with sticky and smelly fluids that are embarrassing and need to be hidden. Menstruation really doesn't do us many favors in this respect. You need to let your lover know, repeatedly not just once, that you enjoy giving her oral sex.

Foreplay and her orgasm

He says:

Foreplay is often said to begin outside the bedroom. In fact, you can start making love hours or days before you even enter the bedroom. After all, foreplay is also about making your partner feel loved and cherished, like he or she is the most special person in your life. Sex isn't just about orgasm: it's also about bonding as a couple, feeling good about pleasing your partner, knowing that your partner wants you to be sexually fulfilled, and simply reveling in the sensuous side of your masculinity or femininity.  

She says:

Women do enjoy passionate sex too! Sex for women doesn't always have to be cuddly and soft, so don't feel like it's always got to be nice, romantic and soft. However, I think one needs a secure and reliable relationship to let the darker passions emerge in a healthy way. All women are different, but very few are all angelic inside!

He says:

But as a man you may be frustrated by the fact that your partner doesn't always reach orgasm. You may even feel like a failure, or somehow think that it's your fault. In fact there's no need to feel this way, for in reality many women don't know before sex whether or not they'll be able to reach orgasm.

This probably seems very strange to a man, who is almost always going to be able to come – sometimes without much stimulation at all! But there's nothing unusual about this. A woman's sexual response is much more dependent on her emotions, thoughts and feelings that her partner's is likely to be. Women, for example, are often shocked to find that their partner expects sex after an argument. For a woman, feeling emotionally connected to her partner, feeling loved and cherished, and being able to relax, are all important elements of reaching orgasm.

She says:

Please guys, don't feel responsible for your partner's orgasm. It's OK for her not to come, she might not want to and that's really OK. Additionally, she can help herself to it through masturbation if she feels like she wants it. It's not your responsibility to "make her" come. Just relax and chill out about it.

He says:

Men tend to be more focused on results than women, so it can be important for a man to know if his partner has actually had an orgasm. But asking questions such as "Did you come?" or "How was it for you?" can put up barriers between a couple. It may not even be very important to a woman whether she has an orgasm or not. She may simply enjoy the closeness and intimacy of sex without feeling the need for an orgasm. 

She says:

See! Just let the whole orgasm and achievement thing go!!! The world will be a better place for it.

He says:

In one survey which we conducted, two-thirds of women said they had faked an orgasm or lied about having one - usually so their partner didn't feel bad! While it's understandable that one partner should want to avoid hurting the other's feelings, this isn't as useful as open and honest communication would be. It's probably better to say that you couldn't reach orgasm and then tell your partner how you feel about this than to see it as something from which you have to protect him.  Another good idea is to have a discussion about what might help you reach orgasm the next time you have sex, while being honest about the things you liked and didn't like about your lovemaking.

On those occasions when a woman isn't able to have an orgasm, she may feel a bit frustrated and express this frustration in a way that makes her partner feel unjustly criticized. Once again, good communication can help to overcome this problem.  

She says:

Actually, if she is frustrated, I certainly wouldn't say it's OK for her to take it out on him! I think you are a bit too lenient here with the ladies, Rod. If she is frustrated she might as well help herself to what she wants and I am sure you guys won't say no to offering a little assistance here and there. Most women have a perfectly good time masturbating on their own, no there's no need to give a man a hard time over sexual frustration.

Oral sex for him

He says:

When we asked men how they felt about oral sex, the results were, predictably perhaps, very enthusiastic! Most men had a hard time choosing whether vaginal penetration or fellatio, where a woman takes her partner's penis into her mouth, was their favorite sexual activity. What's very clear, though, is that it's incredibly important to most men that their partner is willing to give them oral sex, even if she doesn't want him to come in her mouth. Men seem to see fellatio as an act of total acceptance of them and their penis - which probably reflects how important a man's penis is to his sense of maleness. 

She says:

Basics first: please look after your favorite piece with plenty of soap and water. And relax and let her be in control. Women can enjoy treating their lover too.

He says:

If you're a woman, you'll probably know how important oral sex is to most men.  However, unless you enjoy it, or you enjoy seeing the pleasure your partner gets from it, you should never feel under any pressure to do something you don't like.  If, for example, you don't like the taste of semen, then let him withdraw his penis from your mouth before he comes, and bring him off with your hand. If you're worried that you don't know how to give him pleasure, try a variety of moves with your lips and tongue, watch his response and then concentrate on the moves that give him most  pleasure. And although men are generally very penis centered during sex, they'll really enjoy having their testicles gently fondled or licked while you give them oral sex.

She says:

Men are quite different with respect to how much stimulation they want on their penis. For some men soft oral sex is heaven, others want a bit or even loads more pressure. Women, feel free to use your hands too. A good way of learning about what he wants is to watch him masturbate. It will give you a good idea about what kind of stimulation he goes for. In general, older guys will need more stimulation than younger ones and I suspect women tend to err on the side of softness rather than too much stimulation.

He says:

One aspect of oral sex that may be less exciting in real life than in fantasy is the "sixty-nine" or soixante-neuf position, where both partners give oral sex to each other at the same time.  You may find that cunnilingus and fellatio are much more enjoyable if you can just lie back and enjoy your partner's attention without having to worry about pleasing them at the same time.

She says:

I agree with the point above. A 69 position needs more practice in relaxing and receiving. However, you need to hang in there and just practice more to get the feel for it. A 69 position might be better for you if you like having full body length contact with your lover, especially if you have a tendency to drift off in your head.

He says:

By the way, it's common for a man to lose his erection during foreplay, even if he's giving his partner cunnilingus. A lot of men seem to worry about this, but it's a completely natural thing, and simply reflects the ebb and flow of sexual energy during foreplay. A firmer touch from his partner's hand or mouth will soon restore a man's erection.

She says:

I think it is really important for men not to stress about losing their erections. As Rod says, erections come and go during the longer sessions of sex and more stimulation normally brings them back in no time. The only thing to keep in mind is that your lover might need to know you are still enjoying yourself even if your erection goes for a little while as she might interpret this as you having lost interest. Let her know you are still as ardent as before, hard erection or not.

Men and foreplay

He says:

Sadly, sometimes foreplay can seem boring, perhaps even tedious, to a man. The truth is that if you're able to focus on giving your partner sexual pleasure and your intention is to arouse her, you'll find that her arousal will feed back to you and make you even more aroused. This will eventually lead to a fantastic orgasm rather than just a good one when you do eventually come inside her. 

She says:

If you don't enjoy foreplay, ask yourself why. If it is boring or hard work for you then something is wrong with the way you are going about it, rather than foreplay itself. Mostly, sex and foreplay become boring when they are repetitive and always the same. Try something new instead or talk to your lover what you might rather do instead. Keeping foreplay interesting might not be as easy as it sounds, but it's essential for sex to stay exciting.

He says:

One of the great pleasures of foreplay is being able to enjoy sensuous skin-to-skin contact with your partner. Take the time to look at each other too, for the visual stimulation of each other's naked bodies can be a real turn-on. Savor your kisses, and take things slowly. This can be especially important for men, who may become so aroused that they desperately wish to move straight to penetration and ejaculation. But the longer you extend your foreplay, the greater the volume of semen you'll produce when you do eventually ejaculate, and this in turn will make your orgasm and ejaculation feel much more powerful and satisfying. 

She says:

Some delaying and waiting can be rather sexy, don't you think?

He says:

There are no set rules about foreplay. The normal ebb and flow of sex can lead you naturally from one type of foreplay to another. For example, undressing each other may be a matter of urgency on the way to the bedroom, or it may be a slow sensuous process which extends throughout your foreplay. Similarly, kissing can be something you enjoy at any time during foreplay. By the way, it's always important to be comfortable, so shifting position every so often to avoid a crick in the neck or any aching limbs during cunnilingus is a very good idea. (Of course, that's true during fellatio as well!) 

She says:

Feel free to take the pressure off. When you go with the flow, foreplay may not always develop into penetration. It will adjust itself to what feels right between the two of you at that point. It allows you to be really present rather than having to perform. If you are really keen your ardor will communicate itself to your partner. Sometimes things might not work out the way you want them to, but there will be other times when you think that sex couldn't get any better. If there are regular issues between you and your partner when it comes to sex, talk about them!

Other thoughts for great foreplay!

He says:

By introducing new and different pleasures into your foreplay, you can help to keep your sex life fresh and exciting. This may be as simple as kissing your partner's feet, or it may involve giving him or her a massage. You may want to try using sex toys, dressing up in sexy clothes or acting out your secret fantasies and desires in the safety of your bedroom. This is a great way of acting out fantasies that you might not be able to bring into the real world. But if you are exploring your sexual fantasies with each other, remember that trust is an important element of a loving relationship, and take care to respect whatever your partner reveals to you about their secret sexual desires.

She says:

I agree, trust and communication is everything. If you want to have a passionate sex life in a long-term relationship you need to work at sex, and work at the relationship.

He says:

As we said before, sensitivity is essential to successful sex. Knowing what your partner likes, understanding what's important to them, and being able to explain to your partner what you like in a way that's neither critical nor demanding is essential to a good sex life. For the most enjoyable sex, it's important that a woman feels loved and cherished, and kissing each other either gently or passionately, as the mood dictates, and saying romantic and loving words to each other, will all contribute to a better sexual experience for you both.

We tend to think of sex as an experience that involves penetration and penile thrusting. But there are plenty of other ways that a man and woman can achieve sexual intimacy and fulfillment. For example, intimate touching and caressing is a very bonding experience, and plenty of touching before the moment of penetration can increase both partners' arousal so that when they do reach orgasm it's more powerful and satisfying. As a general rule, men become aroused much more quickly than women, and it's easy for a man to overlook a woman's need for intimate touch. A man should think of a woman's whole body as an erogenous zone or a sexually sensitive organ. In this way, he'll avoid focusing too much on her vulva until she's sufficiently aroused to enjoy this touch.

About penetration - advice for men and women

He says:

Men should understand that it's important to respect a woman's need only to be penetrated when she's both physically and emotionally ready. One sign of this is a gentle wave-like motion of her hips – if you see this, it usually means that she's aroused enough that she's ready for a more intimate connection. Also, as a woman becomes more aroused, she'll begin to want to feel her man inside her. Her desire to be penetrated will be as great as her partner's desire to penetrate her. As you work towards this moment of intimate connection, a finger gently inserted into her vagina will reveal how aroused and lubricated she is.  

One view is that a man should always ask his partner if he may penetrate her. Certainly there are times when this is a romantic and loving approach, reinforcing sex as an act of mutual love and respect. Equally, however, there are times in a loving, trusting relationship when a sense of "being taken" may be both exciting and highly desirable for a woman.

(Sometimes in the foreplay leading up to penetration, a man's erection softens or even disappears altogether. This is quite normal – erections come and go during sex. All that's usually needed to restore firmness is a little more direct stimulation such as oral sex or the contact of his penis with his partner's vulva.)

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