index - sex problems - differences in desire

 
 

 

 

Men: Do You Have Difficulty Reaching Orgasm and Ejaculating During Sex?

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Women: Would You Like To Reach Orgasm More Easily During Sex or Masturbation?

Get the facts on how to reach orgasm easily so you can enjoy sex and masturbation more than ever before! (Also very helpful for preorgasmic women): Achieve orgasm easily during sex!

 

Negotiating differences in sexual desire

 

Other pages on differences in desire

Helpful pages: Increasing your sensuality

 

Differences in sexual desire - when two people want different amounts or types of sex - is the most common issue which people write to us about. Such differences in desire can be a very divisive problem for a couple and can create a huge amount of stress and ill-feeling.

 

Differences in levels and types of sexual desire are a part of almost all relationships, because it's very unlikely that two people will ever want exactly the same type and amount of sexual contact. Such differences  are absolutely normal and some kind of negotiation between the two people in a relationship will almost always be needed.

 

It's important to keep in mind that the likes and dislikes of each partner are equally valid. Experts now talk about the "low desire partner" and the "high desire partner" to underline the fact that both partners are equally entitled to their own sexual desires and needs.

 

The best way to manage differences in sexual desire is to talk about them. (Click here for more info on talking about sex). This may be difficult, but it does mean that you are actively working together as a team to find the best compromise possible. Both partners need to feel OK with voicing their feelings about the issue, so that neither of you ends up in the the position of "the problem partner", or "the one with the problems around sex". Remember that your sexuality is a part of you, and you should be able to express it freely (or not) according to your own desire, within reason.

 

The "within reason" bit of that last statement means you have to think about what you and your partner have agreed as ground rules, for example to be faithful to each other,  as well as your own and your partner's physical and emotional well-being. In addition of course, there are always laws and conventions about what sexual behavior is acceptable in your society. In the end, though, as you are both entitled to express your sexuality in your own way, there will be differences between you.

 

General suggestion to help working towards a compromise:

  • Talk about the issue without either of you making the other out to be in the wrong.

  • Get curious about your partner's experience of his or her sexuality. Often enough, differences mean we need to find out more about what is going on for the other person. A lot of problems are created by a lack of information or misunderstanding about where the other person is coming from. To find out more about your partner's sexuality, ask open ended questions and really let yourself hear what your partner's telling you.

  • Accept that it is OK for you or your partner to masturbate as a way of enjoying his or her sexuality by him/herself and to accommodate differences in desire.

  • Accept that it is OK for your partner to say "no" without it resulting in ill-feeling or an argument.

  • Clearly state your sexual wishes and needs rather than keeping them to yourself and then feeling resentful that they are not being satisfied.

  • Take your own desires seriously. If you don't argue for your own needs, who will?

  • Accept that your partner may want to use erotic materials or pornography to enjoy his or her sexuality, that they may enjoy this, and that this may be one way of coping with different levels of desire.

  • Accept that you won't always get all of your sexual desires met in real life. Unfortunately, living in the real world means we can't always have what we want. There's always the fantasy movie show in your head and masturbation!

 

Additional resources - useful books

  • Bernie Zilbergeld (1999) The New Male Sexuality, Bantam Press.

  • Julia Heiman and Joseph LoPiccolo (1988) Becoming Orgasmic. A Sexual and Personal Growth Programme for Women. Prentice Hall Press.

  • Sandra Pertot (2005) Perfectly Normal. A Woman's Guide to Living with Low Libido. Rodale Press.

 

Written by Anna 25.11.07

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Men: Make Solo Sex Better!

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Effective Treatment For Erection Problems

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