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Differences in sexual desire - when two
people want different amounts or types of
sex - is the most
common issue which people write to us about.
Such differences in
desire
can be a very divisive problem for a couple
and can create a huge amount of stress and
ill-feeling.
Differences
in levels and types of sexual desire are a
part of almost all relationships, because it's
very unlikely that two people will ever
want exactly the same type and amount of sexual
contact. Such differences are
absolutely normal and some kind of negotiation
between the two people in a relationship will
almost always be
needed.
It's
important to keep in mind that the likes and
dislikes of each partner are equally valid.
Experts now talk about the "low desire
partner" and the "high desire partner" to
underline the fact that both partners are
equally entitled to their own sexual desires
and needs.
The best
way to manage differences in sexual desire
is to talk about them. (Click
here for more info on
talking about sex). This may be
difficult, but it does mean that you are
actively working together as a team to find
the best compromise possible. Both partners
need to feel OK with voicing their feelings
about the issue, so that neither of you ends
up in the the position of "the problem
partner", or "the one with the problems
around sex". Remember that your
sexuality is a part of you, and you should be able
to express it freely (or not)
according to your own desire, within reason.
The "within reason"
bit of that last statement means you have to
think about what you and your partner have
agreed as ground rules, for example to be
faithful to each other, as well as your
own and your partner's physical and
emotional well-being. In addition of course,
there are always laws and conventions
about what sexual behavior is acceptable in
your
society. In the end, though, as
you are both entitled to express your
sexuality in your own way, there will be differences
between you.
General
suggestion to help working towards a
compromise:
Talk
about the issue without either of you
making the other out to be in the wrong.
Get
curious about your partner's experience
of his or her sexuality. Often enough,
differences mean we need to find out
more about what is going on for the
other person. A lot of problems are
created by a lack of information or
misunderstanding about where the other
person is coming from. To find out more
about your partner's sexuality, ask open
ended questions and really let yourself
hear what your partner's telling you.
Accept
that it is OK for you or your partner to
masturbate as a way of enjoying his or
her sexuality by him/herself and to
accommodate differences in desire.
Accept
that it is OK for your partner to say "no"
without it resulting in ill-feeling or
an argument.
Clearly
state your sexual wishes and needs rather than
keeping them to yourself and then feeling
resentful that they are not being
satisfied.
Take your
own desires seriously. If you don't argue
for your own needs, who will?
Accept
that your partner may want to use erotic
materials or pornography to enjoy his or
her sexuality, that they may enjoy this,
and that this may be one way of coping
with different levels
of desire.
Accept
that you won't always get all
of your sexual desires met in real life.
Unfortunately, living in
the real world means we can't always have
what we want. There's always the fantasy
movie show in your head and
masturbation!
Additional
resources - useful books
Bernie
Zilbergeld (1999) The New Male
Sexuality, Bantam Press.
Julia
Heiman and Joseph LoPiccolo (1988)
Becoming Orgasmic. A Sexual and Personal
Growth Programme for Women. Prentice
Hall Press.
Sandra
Pertot (2005) Perfectly Normal. A
Woman's Guide to Living with Low Libido.
Rodale Press.
Most men masturbate for
pleasure even if they're
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Nothing is more destructive to a
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