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Negotiating
differences in sexual desire
Your
partner isn't interested in sex at all. What
can you do?
It is very
difficult when one partner in a
relationship doesn't want sex at all but
the other does. This is often really
distressing for the "high desire partner"
especially if he or she loves and desires
the other deeply. And just to make this very
clear, we get equal amounts of emails from
female and male high desire partners about
this issue. It seems that sex drive isn't linked to
gender any more.
There are
three main possibilities as to
why your partner isn't interested in sex:
1 Your partner might not be interested in sex
for some reason of his or her own, such as
poor body image, a naturally low
sex drive, or his or her emotional state.
Things like this can be quite
difficult for the high desire partner,
because it's really up to the other person
to do something about it. Getting to know
each other better and encouraging your
partner to talk about him or herself may
help to open up a dialog about what's going
on. You could also suggest that your partner
gets some professional help with this. If
the lack of sex drive is a recent
development, a medical check up may be a
good idea: some medical conditions, such as
stress or depression, can result in a lack
of libido. So can many prescription
medications.
2 Your partner's lack of
interest
in sex might have something to do with your relationship.
Perhaps there are things in the relationship he
or she isn't happy about, which are
manifesting as a lack of interest in sex.
What about taking some
general steps to improve your relationship,
such as showing more affection, listening to
your partner more or changing things about yourself
that you know he or she would like? Also, for a
good sex life, people need both time and energy,
so make sure you're contributing your share to
household tasks and the general routine of
your life together. Additionally, it may
help to
talk more about
how things are going between the two of you.
This will allow any issues to be aired as
they come up.
3 Your partner may have a
problem about the way you are having sex
together.
This may be the hardest to
hear, but it is actually the easiest one for
you to fix. If there is something your
partner wants you to do differently, then
you might change that for them: equally, any
changes in your partner's behavior are up to
them.
In terms of possibilities 2
and 3, I recommend Bernie Zilbergeld's book, The New Male Sexuality,
published in 1999 by Bantam Books. He's very
good at explaining how emotional
relationships work and how to go about sex
in a way that suits both men and women. His
writing is clear, informative and funny, so
it shouldn't be a hard read. His tips on how to talk with
your partner are also excellent, and he
explains how to stand up for
yourself - so I do really recommend his book!
It gives you an
opportunity to reflect on both
difficulties in your relationship and any
possible mismatch of sexual techniques and
desires.
If the issue is more to do
with where your partner is at, then things get complicated.
This can be
a real challenge as it's OK that he or she
doesn't want to be pushed for sex and
shouldn't feel obliged to have it, but
it's equally OK for you to want sex
with your partner. It wouldn't be good for you
to give up on your sex life because of what
your partner chooses for him or herself.
There are no easy answers here. However,
finding out more about what's going on for
the other person is a good start. Another
good strategy is to build up a physical
relationship which is loving and involves a
lot of touching, but may not be sexual right
now.
If your partner is just not
interested in sex over a long period, maybe
you need to consider how sustainable this relationship
is going to be for you. It can be very
distressing for the high desire partner to
be constantly frustrated and feel
rejected all the time. You do have the right to a
passionate sex life. although you may have
to acknowledge that this isn't going to be
possible with your current partner. In that
case, you may wish to
consider all the other alternatives
open to you for your own life.
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