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Negotiating differences in sexual desire

Suppose your partner wants to act out his/her fantasy with you, but you aren't so keen. What do you do?

 

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If your partner is willing to disclose his or her sexual fantasies to you, it probably means your sexual relationship is working well for both of you and you have a high level of trust between you. This implies you can talk about such issues, which may bring a lot of intimacy and fun into the relationship, even though you might never act out the fantasies together. But what if he or she has asked you to live out a specific fantasy, one which you feel strongly you don't want to be a part of? And what if you feel mean about withholding something your lover desires?

 

First of all, it's perfectly OK that your preferences are different! No couple is ever turned on by exactly the same things, so it's OK that you're different and that you want different things: it's also OK that you don't want to take part in everything your partner suggests. And even though he or she might be quite keen on the fantasy, the two of you can be perfectly happy in your sex life even if you never go along with it. At some point in a relationship you always have to set YOUR boundary about what you want and don't want, about your likes and dislikes. And why not? Your partner will do the same with you, not only about sex but also about other things that he or she won't compromise on.

 

It's always important that you take account of your own opinions, thoughts and feelings. Sex should be fun for both of you, and you don't really want to do anything that might create feelings of discomfort or shame. In the worst case you might feel really bad about yourself and the relationship afterwards. And here's something else to think about: what happens if the two of you end your relationship at some point or fall out of love with each other? Would you wish you hadn't gone ahead with it?

 

On the other hand, even if you don't want to act your lover's fantasy out right now, maybe it's something you could consider doing in the future if the two of you stay together and develop more and more trust as your relationship progresses. Perhaps at some point you'd feel OK about granting your lover his fantasy without feeling compromised? Just because you say "no" now doesn't mean your answer has to be "no" forever! Sexual trust takes time to develop; part of the joy and fascination of long term relationships is that you can explore more things as you get to know each other better.

 

As you can see, my advice is a cautious: "Trust your own instincts on this one". Just keep an open mind, and maybe you'll change your opinion about it later. However, if you do go ahead and try it, that's OK too. If you don't like it, you don't have to do it again.

 

Written by Anna 25.11.07

 

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