It's normal for partners
to have different levels of sex drive.
Most couples need to find a good compromise
which is acceptable to both partners. But what
can you do
if your partner wants to live out his or her
sexuality much more passionately than you
feel comfortable with? Sure, that's what
they need and want to do, but
it must be OK that the two of you are
different in that respect. If you're
clearly not as keen on sex as your lover, than that
also needs to be OK with both of you. You may never get
turned on by your partner's fantasies or
choose to engage in them. You may never have
as high a sex drive as he or she does, and
that's OK too.
It's important that you stay
true to yourself and your own sexual
desires, even if they are different from
what your lover wants. The more stressed
you become about having to be as sexual as
your partner, in the way your partner wants
you to be, rather than in your own way, the less
enjoyment you will get out of sex. If
you feel like you have to go along with your
lover, there's a danger that you'll lose contact with your
own sexuality and the way you want to
express it. Give yourself
permission to be sexual in the way you want
to be, rather than in the ways in which he or she
would like you to be.
However, I appreciate that
this might mean you end up with a new set of
strains on your relationship. What would
it mean for the two of you if you decide not
to go along with all of your lover's
needs, wishes and desires?
How could he or she express as much of their sexuality as possible, without needing
you to go along with everything? This may
mean your partner has to make some
compromises to stay within the agreed limits
of your relationship (e.g. you're going to
be faithful to each other) for the relationship to continue to
work. This could be the beginning of a
stormy period for your relationship! However you will get to know each other
better as you engage with these conflicts
openly and honestly. Living in the real world means we
have to accept that we can't have everything
we want and that relationships are hard
work. It is important that you hold on to
your position about sex and what you want.
Your position is just as valid as your
lover's.
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