index - sex problems -
premature ejac'n - the man's view
How to Develop Complete
Control!
Imagine how wonderful it
would feel if you could
control yourself during sex to
the point that you could
choose when you climax.
Well, it's easy to develop
this level of control, and
once you have it, you'll be
able to make love for as
long a you wish without any
danger of coming before you
or your partner wants it to
happen!
Anna has written about
premature ejaculation (PE) from a woman's viewpoint.
Here's my take on PE, and my response to
what she's written (you
can see what she's written here).
What we need to keep in mind when talking
about the disadvantages of a man prematurely
reaching his orgasm
is that some men see themselves as good lovers
even if they come very quickly after
penetration. These men don't
seem to care about the speed with which they
reach orgasm, don't feel ashamed
about it, and have partners
who are happy with their lovemaking. In general,
when you talk to these couples, you
find they have lots of good sex -
masturbation, massage, kissing, cuddling, oral sex and watching
sexy films together, that kind of thing;
often the woman is very keen on oral sex,
and reaches orgasm once, or more than once, through
oral sex, before her partner puts his penis into
her vagina. Needless to say, these men are
very keen on oral sex as well! I'll come
back to this situation in a moment or two.
But there are other couples
where the classic view of premature
ejaculation
certainly seems to hold fast - he enters
her, ejaculates quickly, she is left feeling
dissatisfied, and then he feels inadequate
and ashamed. Anna's described what's going
on with some of these couples very well -
for example, there are some women who use
their man's rapid climax
to browbeat him, and in doing so I
think they reveal their unconscious anger or
hatred of men (or sex) in general. And yes,
it's also true that some of these men can
easily reinforce their feelings of
inadequacy or failure by maintaining this
cycle of quick ejaculation: they reach
orgasm
quickly, they feel bad, then they feel
anxious, so next time they have sex they
ejaculate quickly once again, and so it goes on.
But what's going on here? Why don't these
couples try oral sex - after all, most women
can come fairly easily through oral
pleasure?
Well, as Anna has said, you
have to suspect that the two people in this
kind of situation are playing out some kind of
psychological game, reinforcing their
situation, reinforcing their beliefs
("All men are useless"; "I'll
never be able to give her what she
wants"; "Women just take and take
and are never satisfied"; "Men don't
care about me and my needs"; and so on)
and then playing them out in the
relationship.
So far, so bad.
People in this kind of relationship have a
lot of work to do to sort things out - if they want to. For it's my
observation that couples will work at
solving their problems if they are
sufficiently in love with each other, and
sufficiently attracted by the idea of
enjoying better sex. For these couples,
psychotherapy, either individually or
together, and a behavioral program such as
this one, which is
specifically designed to assist in
overcoming premature ejaculation, can
work wonders.
But think for a moment of
the man who's caught up in this cycle of
premature ejaculation and his consequent anxiety
about making love, yet who isn't really aware
of what's going on in his mind. Anna has
written elsewhere about the
cultural pressure which makes men feel they
are responsible for women's sexual satisfaction.
I think that's true, and I'd see the meaning
of what she wrote as this: our culture often
depicts sex as a man doing things to a
woman, without asking her what she wants, and
the outcome is supposed to be that she moans
and groans in ecstasy as he takes her to a
massive orgasm.
If you're a man and you think "No, sex isn't
like that", ask yourself if you have ever
fantasized about giving a woman a wonderful
orgasm during sex as you were totally
dominating her! Yes? We men are - at least to some extent -
culturally conditioned to think of ourselves
as responsible for women's sexual pleasure.
So how's the poor guy with a premature
ejaculation going to get out of this trap:
not only does he come too quickly, but he thinks
that by doing so, he's failing his partner
and depriving her of sexual pleasure?
Answer: she takes
responsibility for getting an orgasm - by
asking him for oral sex or masturbation, or
by doing it herself; he stops feeling he has
to please her with vaginal intercourse.
Simple? Well....not so simple, but it is a
start.
Now, just for a moment let's
go back to a couple where the woman loves getting an orgasm through oral sex
before he
enters her and he gets his pleasure from
ejaculating inside her, even if that happens
quite quickly. All well and good? Yes and
no. Great for some couples, I have no doubt.
But....some women I've known really could
reach an orgasm through G-spot stimulation
if their man could thrust for long enough.
And since vaginal orgasms are pretty elusive
things, often requiring fifteen or twenty
minutes of vaginal intercourse, and a fairly
vigorous level of thrusting by the man, they
don't happen that often - most men come long
before the woman gets to orgasm this way. So does a woman who falls into this category
have any reason to complain? She's being
deprived of a vaginal orgasm, a most
delightful and wonderful experience (and
very different to the clitoral orgasm, though no
better or worse, it must be said), and she
knows she could get there if only he could
go on longer......so does this mean he's at
fault?
If you define
premature ejaculation
as being about a couple's subjective satisfaction,
then I suppose he is, even though by any
other standard he's a pretty good lover. The
answer for a couple like this is probably to
get some training in Tantric sex, so they can
work towards the pleasures of long
lasting sex. But for most couples Tantric
sex will be irrelevant. Reaching orgasm too
soon is a problem mostly for men who lack
sexual confidence, and whose self-esteem is
not supported by their sexual relationship.
For them, the solution might involve therapy
to feel good about themselves, greater
self-confidence, and a behavioral program
supported by their partner. It's often
interesting to see how one or other partner
sabotages the program ("It's boring"; "It
just doesn't work"; "It takes too much
time"; and so on) - when that happens, I
always wonder if they really want to change
or if it's more important to be stuck where
they are, feeling the same old feelings, and
reinforcing how each of them feels about
themselves and each other.
Lastly, though, there's the young man, horny
as heck and sexually inexperienced, who
ejaculates quickly just because he's so
over-excited at getting his girl! This
is the curse of youth, though it's
compensated for by his ability to get it up
again and carry on only a few minutes later
as though nothing's happened. For this man,
the answer is greater sexual experience and
a steady partner who loves him, and who likes sex as much as he
does - and of course, as always, a
behavioral program which can teach him the
knack of
greater self-control in bed.
Finally, I just want to
repeat what Anna said:
A man worrying about his
ejaculation may be missing the fact that
it's not really that much of a problem for
his partner: which means he's not listening
to her reassurance, nor is he present and
enjoying sex with her.....Last but not
least, have some hope, whether you are a man
who ejaculates too soon or a woman in love
with such a guy. This problem can be
addressed efficiently and consistently, but
it may involve taking a long, hard look at
yourself and your relationship.
