Psychosexual problems for men
For men who
reach orgasm too quickly during sex
Related
pages:
Do you think you have premature
ejaculation?
This all depends
on what you mean by "premature"! I counseled two men and
their partners about this problem recently. One man reached orgasm within
two minutes of penetration. The other
ejaculated after ten minutes - but he said
he wanted to be able to make love for longer. When I asked them (in
separate sessions) about this, both men expressed the belief that they might be able to
bring their partners to orgasm during intercourse if they were able to
last longer before they ejaculated.
This raises some interesting
points. First of all, the assumption that a woman will reach orgasm during
intercourse through penile thrusting alone is very questionable. We know
that only a very small minority of women are able to do this - the figures offered by researchers are between five percent
and thirty percent, but my view is that it is nearer the lower number than
the higher. (I'm talking about intercourse without any clitoral
stimulation by either the man or his partner here.) In this situation,
does it really matter if a man thinks he comes too quickly?
Second, when I asked
the men's partners what they thought about this, both of these women said that they
wanted the pleasure of intercourse to last for longer. When I asked
them why, they said it was not about reaching orgasm but about sensuous
pleasure and being
physically and emotionally connected to their male partners. That's what
was providing pleasure - neither of the women really expected to achieve
orgasm
during vaginal intercourse - they just enjoyed sex, and wanted it to go on
longer. (Although it is possible they would have reached
orgasm if they had made love for longer.)
Third, when I asked the men
what length of intercourse would be acceptable to them, one said ten minutes and
the other thirty. Their partners broadly agreed. So while one couple
believed that if the man ejaculated after ten minutes of intercourse he
had premature ejaculation and sex was over far too quickly, the other couple thought
ten minutes of vaginal penetration and intercourse would be very desirable
and the man would be a long-lasting lover. This is important because it
shows that what we consider to be "too soon" is entirely defined by what
we expect and desire from sex.
And what did the women want?
Next, when I asked the women
what their preferred method of reaching orgasm was, they both said that
oral pleasure gave them the greatest satisfaction. Both men were happy to
give oral sex to their partners, and both women reached orgasm easily
during it. So basically the relationships were fine, and the question was
all about how the two men could extend the period before they reached
their own orgasm.
I always think that if a man and woman can enjoy vaginal intercourse for any length of
time, it is an asset to build on. But
extending a man's arousal phase - that's the time during which he has an
erection but before he reaches the "point of no return" when
the emission of his semen becomes inevitable - can be a challenge. Some evidence has
emerged recently that some men actually seem to ejaculate rapidly by nature.
At least, that's one conclusion you can draw from the research. It goes
like this: traditionally, a man who reaches orgasm prematurely is
thought to be too aroused. That might mean sexually aroused, or it might
mean emotionally aroused - so, for example, anxiety would be a
factor in causing a man to come too quickly. Yet men who experience
a rapid sexual response when they have intercourse also tend
to reach orgasm very quickly when they masturbate - and this is a time
when they presumably do not
feel anxious.
So it might be a neurological
difference that makes some men reach orgasm more quickly than
others. If so, this would naturally make it harder for a man to control
himself with his partner. The good news, though, you'll be glad to hear, is that I've found it is always possible to considerably extend the time for which a man can
enjoy sexual intercourse before he reaches the point of ejaculatory
inevitability.
How to overcome premature
ejaculation
The two men described above
knew they got very aroused
by giving their partners oral sex before intercourse, and this made them
reach their own orgasm more quickly when they moved on to intercourse. They insisted
that they wished to carry on doing things in this order, because, as one
of them said, he rapidly lost interest in sex after he had ejaculated
(which tends to happen to men, as you may know from your own experience!)
So, what is a good treatment
for a lack of staying power? Well,
the easiest way to extend intercourse is to follow a plan which I'd
describe as desensitization. In other words, a man who reaches orgasm and
spurts too soon for him and his partner
to feel satisfied needs help so that he finds the thought of intercourse,
and the feeling of entering and being inside his partner, far less
sexually arousing. He also needs to understand the signals his body gives
him,
so that he can actually sense when he is approaching his orgasm; that way, he can
slow down his thrusting or even stop moving altogether while his arousal
drops.
It takes time and patience,
and certainly the co-operation of a man's partner, to succeed in this. I
have actually had several men fail to improve their staying power
because their partners didn't want to co-operate with them - they expected
the man to be able to control the problem all by himself. Take it
from me: that won't work. Indeed, in cases like this there are often
hidden issues of tension, anger and resentment that need to be dealt with
before you start tackling the sexual issues. In most cases, though, a
program of gradual desensitization is extremely effective in developing a
slower build-up to orgasm and greater ability to remain below the "point
of no return".
The way this treatment
program works is to let your sexual arousal develop to just before the
"point of no return", also known as the point of ejaculatory
inevitability. (This is
the point of emission where your semen is released into the base of your urethra
in preparation for ejection from the body.) You then pause and wait for your level of
sexual arousal to drop. So in the case of the two men I
counseled, I suggested they follow a series of steps like this:
Treatment program
The text below is a very abbreviated scheme
- you can get full details, complete with photographs,
here. This website offers a complete
treatment program for premature ejaculation.
Start by masturbating until
you have a firm erection, in the presence of your partner. Indeed, your
partner can masturbate you provided that she is willing to participate in
the therapy. If she is masturbating you, you will need to indicate to her
when you are approaching the point of no return. In either case, close
your eyes and focus on your experience so that you don't go beyond the
point where you can stop before it's too late.
When you feel that your progress towards
ejaculation has leveled off and your level of arousal has diminished, you can
start to masturbate once again.
Repeat the sequence of proceeding
through masturbation to the point of no return and then stopping three times,
each time pausing for a minute or longer before you start to masturbate again.
On the fourth cycle of masturbation, proceed to orgasm. It's important that you
observe the sensations in your body as you masturbate so that you learn to
identify the feelings associated with your impending ejaculation.
Over the next two weeks, repeat this
exercise at least three times, either with your partner or alone.
The next step is to control the rate
at which you move towards orgasm. By varying the pace of masturbation you will
find that you can easily control your progress towards orgasm, and you can
continue masturbating for longer before you feel the emission of semen is
inevitable. This new found control which will form the
basis of your self-control during intercourse. You will probably quite
quickly develop the ability to keep yourself on the verge of orgasm for
prolonged periods before you choose to bring yourself off.
Practicing this regularly over the next
three weeks will reinforce this skill.
The next step is to masturbate in a
way that feels like you are having sexual intercourse with your partner, and still maintain this level of control. You can do this by using a
lubricant and getting your partner to masturbate you using her cupped hand
around the shaft and head of your penis. Although it maybe much more sensuous,
by following the same routine as described above, you will again quickly develop
a level of control far greater than you had before.
The next step is to enjoy
penetration and still maintain control over your arousal. This is done while you lie on your back and
your partner takes the woman on top position
for sex. You may work up gradually to full
penetration, perhaps starting by rubbing your penis along her vulva, or pausing
after entering her to a depth of one or two inches. At all times, the objective
is to remain in control of your arousal, so if it begins to increase too
rapidly, focus on your bodily sensations; you can also withdraw from her vagina
until you are less aroused and feel you have your sexual response back under
control.
Once you have entered her, move only
slightly or ask her to move on you in a gentle way so that you do not become too
aroused too quickly. If your arousal begins to escalate rapidly, stop moving or
withdraw your penis from her vagina until your arousal is back under control. This process should
enable you to gradually thrust for longer and longer periods before you
reach the point of no return.
When I checked back these two men six months later,
the one who had been able to control his ejaculation for two minutes was now
able to last for sixteen minutes. The other man, who had been able to have sex
for ten minutes before he came, now lasted, so he said, on average twenty
minutes. So, I'd conclude that if you are motivated and determined to control
your sexual responses, you can do so without too much
difficulty.
Revised by Rod, 27.08.09
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