If your lovemaking
stops when you simply can't
prevent yourself from
ejaculating any longer,
then you're not doing either
your partner or yourself any
favors, and you're certainly
not having the best sex you
could have. Visit this
website to find out how you
can become a longer lasting
lover.
Premature ejaculation is one
of those strange issues: Some men have it,
but it doesn't worry them or damage
their sex lives. But other men have it and
it becomes a massive issue for them creating
a devastating impact on their relationships.
Firstly, premature
ejaculation doesn't have to be an issue.
Women seldom define good lovers by how long
they can last during thrusting. After all
being a good lover has a lot to do with
being emotionally available, relaxed, self
confident and attentive. Additionally,
ejaculating quickly can also teach men to
get better at other sexual activities such
as kissing or oral sex, because they have to
get away from the sex-means-thrusting
equation. So really, premature ejaculation
doesn't have to be an issue from a woman's
point of view. There are plenty of other fun
things to do in bed and having sex with a
guy, who is generous with all sorts of other
activities will suit most women better than
prolonged thrusting. More info on this under
foreplay. So,
if you are a guy with premature ejaculation,
please consider that the women in your life
will be much much less bothered by it then
you are yourself! (...so feel free to relax
about it, it's not that big a deal!)
Additionally, premature
ejaculation doesn't have to be an issue as
there are good behavioral programs which
men can practice to alleviate the problem. This will take time and dedication, but so
will other things in a relationship. It is
important to women that men make some efforts
to improve themselves and what they offer to
their partners. Investing in a behavioral
program and sticking with it to improve
your sexual stamina is a way of taking
responsibility for your life and may show your partner that she matters
to you. It's also
a great way of showing yourself
that you matter and that you can be in
charge of your life! And notice that in this
way premature ejaculation isn't really the
issue for women, but that it is important
that the guy takes responsibility for
himself.
Up to now I have considered
premature ejaculation as a fairly simple
issue. However, it probably seldom is. I
believe that most men with premature
ejaculation do actually suffer from low self
esteem or anxiety FIRST, and then hang their sense of
"I am not good enough" onto their sexual
abilities and the fact that they come very
quickly during sex (see also
life positions in the psychology
section). The fact that men then start to
feel ashamed and inadequate after sex fuels
the cycle and may create a great amount of
misery and self-loathing for a man. I
believe that it is important that men
recognize that the speed with which they
ejaculate is only one part of the whole
"coming too quick" issue, and that they really need to
look at their self-esteem and the way they
relate to themselves as well - preferably
before looking at how to control premature
ejaculation. If you
don't think you'll ever be capable or a
worthwhile person, how will you stay
committed to the behavioral program that
can help you sort out premature ejaculation?
From a woman's point of view
the lack of self-esteem in a guy can be
disheartening, a real turn-off, infuriating,
or potentially very sad to watch. Self-confidence balanced by honesty and a degree
of modesty is very attractive in men, and
probably much more a turn-on for women than
how long he may last after entering her. However, seeing the man
you love devastated after sex with you can
be very damaging to a woman's self-confidence as well as saddening if she loves
him deeply. Who would want to see a loved
one feeling full of self-doubt and lack of
self-respect? If she also struggles with her
sexuality and sense of attractiveness, both
partners may impact on each other
negatively and reinforce each other's worst
assumptions about themselves.
Finally, a man worrying
about his premature ejaculation may be
missing the fact that it's not really that
much of a problem for his partner: which
means he's not listening to her reassurance,
nor is he present and enjoying sex with her.
His internal dialogue of thoughts and
feelings about premature ejaculation may
take a man away from feeling loving and
close to his partner and instead lock himself into a prison of
self-inflicted misery. This is a very self-obsessed as
well as deeply disappointing process to a
woman. I fully understand that some women
will get fed up with their lover's lack of
confidence at some point, and that this is not
necessarily linked to premature ejaculation,
but has more to do with all that goes with it. In this case
men need to wake up from their self-made
hell and take responsibility for the issue.
In short, get help (perhaps some therapy) to
improve your self-confidence so that you
feel like you can love and respect yourself,
and practice behavioral programs so that you
gain more control over your ejaculation,
and become open and emotionally available to
your partner.
However, there will also
always be women who use the fact that a man
comes quickly during intercourse to
put him down or reject him in some way.
These women may make the man responsible for
their sexual satisfaction (which they feel
can only be achieved through prolonged
genital intercourse). I believe that such
women are very damaging to men; they avoid looking at their own issues,
sexual and otherwise, by putting the blame
for unsatisfactory sex onto their partner. This is not
acceptable! Women are responsible for their
own lives, their sexual satisfaction and
their own sexual abilities and should not
make men responsible for them. So if there are
fixed roles in your relationship in which
you, the man, experience yourself
constantly as the "bad one" and as
"not good
enough", then perhaps you need to consider
if this is really
a couples issue rather than all your fault.
Last but not least, have
some hope, whether you are a man with
premature ejaculation or a woman in love
with such a guy. Premature ejaculation can
be addressed efficiently and consistently,
but it may involve taking a long, hard look
at yourself and your relationship.
