Imagine how wonderful it
would feel if you could
control your ejaculation to
the point that you could
choose when to come during
sex!
Well, it's easy to develop
this level of control, and
once you have it, you'll be
able to make love for as
long a you wish without any
danger of coming before you
or your partner wants it to
happen! Fantastic!
Anna has written about
premature ejaculation from a woman's viewpoint.
Here's my take on PE, and my response to
what she's written (you
can see what she's written here).
It's certainly a fact that
there's no link between how men (and often
their partners) see themselves as lovers and
any definition of premature ejaculation. In
other words, some men come very quickly, don't
seem to care, don't feel ashamed, and their partners
are happy with their lovemaking. In general
when you start talking to these couples, you
find they have lots of good sex -
masturbation, massage, oral sex and watching
sexy films together, that kind of thing;
often the woman is very keen on oral sex,
and comes once, or more than once, through
oral sex, before her partner puts his penis into
her vagina. Needless to say, these men are
very keen on oral sex as well! I'll come
back to this situation in a moment or two.
But there are other couples
where the classic view of premature ejaculation
certainly seems to hold fast - he enters
her, comes quickly, she is left feeling
dissatisfied, and then he feels inadequate
and ashamed. Anna's described what's going
on with some of these couples very well -
for example, there are some women who use PE
to browbeat their man, and in doing so I
think they reveal their unconscious anger or
hatred of men (or sex) in general. And yes,
it's also true that some of these men can
easily reinforce their feelings of
inadequacy or failure by maintaining this
cycle of quick ejaculation: they come
quickly, they feel bad, then they feel
anxious, so next time they have sex they
come quickly once again, and so it goes on.
But what's going on here? Why don't these
couples try oral sex - after all, most women
can come fairly easily through cunnilingus?
Well, as Anna has said, you
have to suspect that the two people in this
kind of situation are playing out some kind of
psychological game, reinforcing their
situation, reinforcing their beliefs
("All men are useless"; "I'll
never be able to give her what she
wants"; "Women just take and take
and are never satisfied"; "Men don't
care about me and my needs"; and so on)
and then playing them out in the
relationship.
So far, so bad, so to speak.
People in this kind of relationship have a
lot of work to do to sort things out - even if they want to. For it's my
observation that couples will work at
solving their problems if they are sufficiently
in love with each other, and sufficiently
attracted by the idea of enjoying better
sex. For these couples, therapy, either
individual or together, and a behavioral
program like the one we advertise to the
left of this text, can work wonders.
But think for a moment of
the man who's caught up in this cycle of
rapid ejaculation and his consequent anxiety
about making love, yet who isn't really aware
of what's going on in his mind. Anna has
written elsewhere on this site about the
cultural pressure which makes men feel they
are responsible for women's sexual satisfaction.
I think that's true, and I'd see the meaning
of what she wrote as this: our culture often
depicts sex as a man doing things to a
woman, without asking her what she want, and
the outcome always being that she moans and
groans in ecstasy as he takes her to a
massive orgasm. When I read this I thought,
"No, it's not like that", then
this morning I caught myself lying bed fantasizing
about giving a woman a wonderful orgasm
during sex as I told her what to do! So,
maybe in fact I do have to accept that we
men are indeed culturally conditioned to
think of ourselves as responsible for women's
sexual pleasure to some degree. Now if I (a
reasonably aware and enlightened man) can still
think like this, how's the poor guy with
premature ejaculation going to get out of
his trap - not only does he come quickly,
but he thinks that by doing so, he's failing
his partner and depriving her of sexual
pleasure!
Answer: she takes
responsibility for getting an orgasm - by
asking him for oral sex or masturbation, or
by doing it herself; he stops feeling he has
to please her with vaginal intercourse.
Simple? Well....not so simple, but it is a
start.
Now, just for a moment let's
go back to the couple I described earlier. She
loves getting an orgasm through oral sex
(cunnilingus) before he
enters her and he gets his pleasure from
coming inside her, even if that happens
quite quickly. All well and good? Yes and
no. Great for some couples, I have no doubt.
But....some women I've known really could
reach an orgasm through G-spot stimulation
if their man could thrust for long enough.
And since vaginal orgasms are pretty elusive
things, often requiring fifteen or twenty
minutes of vaginal intercourse, and a fairly
vigorous level of thrusting by the man, they
don't happen that often - most men come long
before the woman gets to orgasm this way. So does a woman who falls into this category
have any reason to complain? She's being
deprived of a vaginal orgasm, a most
delightful and wonderful experience (and
very different to the clitoral orgasm, though no
better or worse, it must be said), and she
knows she could get there if only he could
go on longer......so does this mean he is a
premature ejaculator?
If you define premature ejaculation
as being about a couple's subjective satisfaction,
then I suppose he is, even though by any
other standard he's a pretty good lover. The
answer for a couple like this is probably to
get some training in Tantra, so they can
work towards the pleasures of long, long
lasting sex.
For most couples this will
be irrelevant. Premature ejaculation is a
problem mostly for men who lack sexual
confidence, and whose self-esteem is not
supported by their sexual relationship. For
them, the solution might involve therapy to
feel good about themselves, greater
self-confidence, and a behavioral program
supported by their partner. It's often
interesting to see how one or other partner
sabotages the program ("It's
boring"; "It just doesn't
work"; "It takes too much
time"; and so on) - when that happens,
I always wonder if they really want to
change or if it's more important to be stuck
where they are, feeling the same old feelings,
and reinforcing how each of them feels about
themselves and each other.
Lastly, though, there's the
young man, horny as heck and sexually inexperienced,
who comes quickly just because he's so
over-excited at getting into his girl! This is the curse
of youth, though it's compensated for by his
ability to get it up again and carry on only
a few minutes later as though nothing's
happened! For this man the answer is greater
sexual experience and a steady partner who
loves sex as much as he does - and of
course, as always, a behavioral program
which can teach him the secrets (if that's
the right word) of longer lasting
lovemaking.
Finally, I just want to
repeat what Anna said:
A man worrying about his premature
ejaculation may be missing the fact that
it's not really that much of a problem for
his partner: which means he's not listening
to her reassurance, nor is he present and
enjoying sex with her.....
Last but not least, have some hope, whether
you are a man with premature ejaculation or
a woman in love with such a guy. Premature
ejaculation can be addressed efficiently and
consistently, but it may involve taking a
long, hard look at yourself and your
relationship. Start by going here:
End Premature Ejaculation NOW!
