Treating Premature
Ejaculation
Related
pages:
Understanding and stopping premature
ejaculation
Whether you come quickly or not depends
on what you mean by quick!
I counseled two men and
their partners about premature ejaculation recently. One man came within
two minutes of penetration. The other came after ten minutes - but he said
he wanted to be able to carry on for longer. When I asked them both (in
separate sessions) about this, they both expressed the belief that if they
could enjoy vaginal intercourse for longer, then they might be able to
bring their partners to orgasm.
This raises some
interesting points. First of all, the assumption that a woman will come
during intercourse through vaginal thrusting alone is very questionable. We
know that only a very small minority of women experience orgasm
from intercourse - the figures offered by researchers have varied between
less than five percent and thirty percent, but my view is that it is
nearer the lower number than the higher. (I'm talking about intercourse
without any clitoral stimulation by either the man or his partner here.)
Second, when I asked
their partners what they thought about this, both of them said that they
wanted the pleasure of intercourse to last for longer. But when I asked
them why, they said it was not about reaching orgasm but about being
physically and emotionally connected to their male partners. That's what
was providing pleasure - neither of the women really expected to come
during vaginal intercourse - they just enjoyed it, and wanted it to go on
longer. Of course, this does not prove whether they would have reached
orgasm or not if they had made love for longer.
Third, when I asked the
men what would be acceptable to them they said ten minutes and thirty
minutes respectively. Their partners broadly agreed. So what to one couple
was a premature ejaculation - after ten minutes of intercourse - was
actually the other couple's goal for the entire length of intercourse. This is
important because it shows that what we consider to be premature
ejaculation is entirely influenced by what we expect and desire from sex.
It's an important point.
And what did the women want?
Next, when I asked the
women what their preferred method of reaching orgasm was, they both said
that oral sex gave them the greatest pleasure. Both men were happy to give
oral sex to their partners, and both women reached orgasm easily during it. So
basically the relationships were fine, and the question was all about how
the two men could extend their sexual stamina.
I always start from the
position that if a man and woman can enjoy vaginal intercourse for any length of
time, it is an asset on which one can build. But it has to be said that
extending a man's arousal phase - that's the time during which he has an
erection but before he reaches the "point of no return" (when his
ejaculation becomes inevitable) - can be a challenge. Some evidence has
emerged recently that some men actually seem to be quick comers by nature.
At least, that's one conclusion you can draw from the research. It goes
like this: traditionally, PE has been seen as the outcome of a man being
over-aroused. That might mean sexually aroused, or it might mean emotionally
aroused - so,
for example, anxiety is recognized as a factor in causing premature
ejaculation. Yet men who come quickly when they have intercourse also tend
to come quickly when they masturbate - when presumably they do not feel
anxious.
So it might be a
neurological difference that makes some men quicker to reach orgasm than
others. If so, this would naturally make it harder for a man to control
his ejaculation. The good news, though, you'll be glad to hear, is that I
have found it is always possible to extend the time for which a man can
have intercourse, even if he can't extend it indefinitely.
And this is how you can stop
your premature ejaculation
The two men with whom I
worked were also perceptive enough to realize that they got very aroused
by giving their partners oral sex before intercourse, and this made them
reach orgasm more quickly when they moved on to intercourse. They insisted
that they wished to carry on doing things in this order, because, as one
of them said, he rapidly lost interest in sex after he had ejaculated
(which tends to happen to men, as you may know from your own experience!)
So,
treatment
for premature ejaculation. Well,
the easiest way to extend sexual intercourse is to follow a plan which I'd
describe as desensitization. In other words, the thought of intercourse
and the feeling of entering and being in his partner's vagina has to be made less
arousing for a man who comes too quickly. The man also needs to learn to follow the signals of his body,
so that he actually knows when he is approaching orgasm; that way, he can
slow down his thrusting or even stop moving altogether while his arousal
drops.
It takes time and
patience, and certainly the co-operation of a man's partner, to succeed in
this. I have actually had several men fail to improve their staying power
because their partners didn't want to co-operate with them - they expected
the man to be able to control his sexual arousal all by himself. Take it
from me: that won't work. Indeed, in cases like this there are often
hidden issues of tension, anger and resentment that need to be dealt with
before you start tackling the sexual issues.
In most cases, though,
a program of gradual desensitization is extremely effective.
The essence of such a treatment
program is to let your sexual arousal develop up to just before the point of emission
(where your semen is released into your urethra ready for ejaculation), and then
to pause to allow your arousal to reduce. So in the case of the two men I
counseled, the following steps were prescribed for both of them to follow:
A treatment plan for premature
ejaculation
This is a very abbreviated scheme - you can get full
details, complete with photographs, at a website
designed
to set out a treatment plan to help treat and cure your premature ejaculation.
Click on the link to go there:
End Premature Ejaculation Now!
Start by masturbating until
you have a firm erection, in the presence of your partner. Indeed, your
partner can masturbate you provided that she is willing to participate in
the therapy. If she is masturbating you, you will need to indicate to her
when you are approaching the point of no return. In either case, close
your eyes and focus on your experience so that you don't go beyond the
point where you can stop before you ejaculate.
When you feel that your progress towards
ejaculation has leveled off and your level of arousal has diminished, you can
start to masturbate once again.
Repeat the sequence of masturbation and
then stopping three times, each time pausing for a minute before you start to
masturbate again. On the next cycle of masturbation, proceed to orgasm. It's
important that you observe the sensations in your body as you masturbate so that
you learn to identify the feelings associated with an impending ejaculation.
Over the next two weeks, repeat this
exercise at least thrice, either with your partner or alone.
The next step is to experience your new
developing ability to control the rate at which you move towards orgasm. By
varying the pace of masturbation you will find that you can easily control your
progress towards orgasm, and you can continue masturbating for longer before you
feel the need to ejaculate. It is this new found control which will form the
basis of your control over your ejaculation during sex. You will probably quite
quickly develop the ability to keep yourself on the verge of orgasm for
prolonged periods before you need to ejaculate.
Practicing this regularly over the next
three weeks will reinforce this skill.
The next step is to mirror the vaginal
environment and still maintain this level of control. You can do this by using a
lubricant and getting your partner to masturbate you using her cupped hand
around the shaft and head of your penis. Although it maybe much more sensuous,
by following the same routine as described above, you will again quickly develop
a level of control far greater than your previous rapid tendency to ejaculate.
The next step is to move towards
penetration and maintain control. This is done while you lie on your back and
your partner takes the woman on top position. You may work up gradually to full
penetration, perhaps starting by rubbing your penis along her vulva, or pausing
after entering her to a depth of one or two inches. At all times, the objective
is to remain in control of your arousal, so if it begins to increase too
rapidly, focus on your bodily sensation; you can also withdraw from her vagina
until you are less aroused and feel you have your sexual response back under
control.
Once you have entered her, move only
slightly or ask her to move on you in a gentle way so that you do not become too
aroused too quickly. If your arousal begins to escalate rapidly, stop moving or
withdraw from her vagina until it is back under control. This process should
enable you to gradually thrust for longer and longer periods before you
ejaculate.
When I checked back these two men six months later,
the one who had been able to hold off his ejaculation for two minutes was now
able to last for sixteen minutes before he ejaculated. The other man, who had
been able to have sex for ten minutes before he came, now lasted, so he said, on
average twenty minutes. So, I'd conclude that if you are motivated and
determined to control premature ejaculation, you can do so.
Written by Rod, 01.05.07
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