sex-and-relationships -  sex problems - low sexual desire



Cure Your Erection Problems NOW!

If you have erection problems, what you need now is a treatment that will help you get a reliable erection that won't let you down when you have sex. This website offers you the only self-help treatment available which can do this easily, quickly and above all effectively. Click here to put a stop to your erection problems NOW.

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Psychosexual problems for men

Erectile dysfunction in men

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Impotence, erectile dysfunction, or ED

Impotence tends to be used to describe a complete inability to get an erection; erectile dysfunction is a less challenging problem, in that a man may have erections but they may be unreliable, and they may come and go during sex, or from one session of sex to the next.

The work I have done with men has shown me very clearly that there are few things that are more important to most men than being able to respond to a sexual situation with an erection - it's the visible symbol of a man's potency, of his ability to engage in sexual intercourse, to penetrate his partner or gain sexual pleasure through masturbation. When a man's erection goes wrong, his self-esteem suffers hugely. He may want sex, he may desire his partner, but his penis just refuses to get hard. Or perhaps it gets hard, but as soon as he attempts penetration, his erection disappears.


The most common reaction by a man to the loss of his erection is fear that it has gone away for ever, or that his erection will never be reliable again: this anxiety is itself one of the most significant causes of erectile failure. In other words, the anxiety that you may not be able to get erect is an extremely effective inhibitor of the erectile response!

One of the problems with erectile failure is that a man begins to focus on the wrong things during sex - that is to say, on his erection, and not on his partner or on what he is feeling as he makes love. The more he focuses on his erection, the more fragile it becomes; he starts expecting it to deflate, and sure enough, it does. This weakens his confidence even further.


Things men do to get over this kind of ED

You can see men who have this kind of erectile dysfunction resorting to a few well-worn strategies to try and deal with the problem: they may start having  wild fantasies as they make love; they may seek out a younger, sexier partner; they may give up sex altogether; they may start looking for hyper-stimulation like internet porn or new sexual behaviors they have never tried before (paying for sex, talking dirty with their partner, trying BDSM, and so on). But the real answer lies not in seeking more arousal and more stimulation, it lies in being relaxed, focusing on what they are physically feeling rather than on what they are thinking, and being more sensitive to the physical touch of their partner. We shall return to this point later.


Other causes of erectile dysfunction and impotence

Although anxiety is the most common cause of impotence, there are others.

One of these is the excessive use of fantasy during sex to get aroused. Sure, all men fantasize during sex, but some do it much more than others. Indeed, some young men rely on fantasy to get erect: even when they are in a sexual situation, their arousal comes more from looking at their partner, thinking about what is going to happen, and mental imagery about sex than the actual physical presence or touch of their partner.

This works when you're a man in your twenties, because your penis will leap to attention at a moment's provocation, but it isn't so good when you're getting into your forties. Indeed, relying on fantasy to get physically aroused is a route to disappointment, for the response of the penis to mental imagery becomes progressively less marked as time goes by. When a man is in his forties and fifties, he nearly always needs physical stimulation - such as the touch of his partner's hand or mouth - to get a full erection.

A man who's learned to become sexually aroused by what goes on in his head may have a hard time getting aroused by the touch of his partner - he may simply have lost touch with his body and his ability to be physically aroused.

In a few cases, a man who has suffered sexual or emotional abuse may lose the ability to get erect as he gets older because his body simply cannot get aroused enough to overcome his lack of trust or his burgeoning anxiety. Such deep-rooted issues are less likely to be cured by self-help programs, though the less challenging forms of impotence or erectile dysfunction described above are ideally suited to self-help work.


Physical problems with the penis

While mental and emotional issues like the ones described above can be tackled easily using behavioral programs, other causes of impotence like physical illness are more intractable. Having said that, erection problems caused by serious physical problems are rare in men under the age of 45 or 50. The exceptions are men with diabetes or serious circulatory problems, where high levels of cholesterol can block the penile arteries.

Many drugs, both prescription and non-prescription, interfere with the erectile response. You can see a complete list of these here.


Erectile failure - a problem in the mind or the body?

There are various clues which can help you to determine the origin of your ED. It's important to know if the lack or loss of your erection originates in your mind or your body, because that determines how it can be treated. If you get an erection fairly easily when you masturbate, or during the night, or you wake up with a morning erection, then the problem with your penis is not likely to be physical.  

But if the problem is, or might be, physically based, it is essential that you get good medical advice immediately: for example, if your erectile failure is caused by high cholesterol, this may indicate that a heart attack is not far away.

There are several options available to treat physically based impotence. The first possibility is to use Viagra, which has proved to be a minor miracle for many men with erectile failure. You can read how Viagra works here. It's not always effective, though, in which case you might like to try the old-fashioned but effective method of using a vacuum pump which draws blood into the penis, producing an erect or semi-erect penis, the hardness of which is maintained by placing a lightly constricting ring around the base of the penile shaft. This process resembles the natural erection mechanism of the penis. You can read about this method on the website of a company which supplies this therapeutic device.


When the root of erectile dysfunction lies in deep seated emotional trauma caused by childhood abuse, the help of a therapist will nearly always be needed to bring about a cure. But most erection problems are not so serious, and they can be tackled with a self-help behavioral program.


How to set about curing your erectile dysfunction


If you were to see a therapist for treatment, they'd almost certainly check that your expectations about sex are in line with reality. For example, men who rely on fantasy to get aroused are often astonished to learn that as they pass forty, they will probably need to be aroused physically before they get an erection. They often simply do not know this, and think that the failure of their penis to leap to attention when they are naked with their partner in a sexual situation is a major problem. It is not - it is an aspect of aging. One of the reasons this happens is because men's testosterone levels fall as they get older.

The treatment program for all forms of erectile dysfunction is set out on a specialist website devoted to erectile dysfunction and erection problems.

Just in case you're working with some false assumptions that might be hindering your erection, I will list a few of the biggest myths around male sexuality.


1 A man should be a "sex machine", at all times ready, willing and able to have sex

This is a myth perpetrated by society and popular culture. A man is no more likely to be perpetually ready for sex than a woman. Certainly, men do seem on average to have a higher requirement for sexual release through masturbation or sex than women, but this is a very different thing to saying that a man should be able to have sex with anyone, anytime! The stress of life and work, not to mention his own internal emotional and hormonal state, will dictate whether or not a man desires sex. And that's before he even begins to consider whether or not he is actually attracted to a woman who is sexually available to him.

2 A man should be confident and always able to lead during sex

Of course, the myth of the man as the dominant partner has become embedded in popular culture, perhaps as a result of the belief that "good" girls have to be demure and innocent. For a woman to be sexual was once seen as a sign of her corruption; from that position comes a high burden of responsibility for the man - he has to know what to do, how to take the lead, how to "give" his partner an orgasm. In more enlightened times, none of these foolish beliefs need to be seen as true, and certainly none of them should be acted upon.

3 A man should know exactly what his partner wants and needs during sex

The problem is that many couples don't have an easy or effective way of communicating their sexual needs to each other. Instead, getting sexual satisfaction becomes something of a lottery, with one partner guessing what the other wants. When this burden is placed on the man, together, perhaps, with the burden of giving his partner an orgasm, it's often a load too heavy for his erect penis to bear. He feels like a failure if she doesn't enjoy sex or she doesn't come; he works hard to give her what he thinks she want and neither partner ends up satisfied or fulfilled. Fortunately, the answer is easy: talk about it!


4 A man should be erect at all times, come what may!

This is not how sex naturally proceeds, though many a young man might have trouble believing that! Erections come and go through sex as the sexual energy between two people waxes and wanes. A man who believes that he must be erect from start to finish during sex - whether or not that involves intercourse - is heading for self-doubt and anxiety. The fact is that an erection can come and go several times during sex, but as long as both partners are actually interested in what's happening, and want to be there, it will always come back again. Even when a man is giving oral sex to his partner his erection may subside - it's natural! But there are a lot of men who don't know this, and suffer great anxiety when they experience erection problems.


Other perhaps surprising facts  (well, they may be surprising to you!)

  • Some men need to be in a committed relationship before they actually want sex.

  • Many men are turned off by the idea of casual sex.

  • Some men over 30, and most over 40, often need to be physically stimulated before their penis becomes erect.

  • A hard and firm erection is not actually needed to enjoy intercourse. It is possible to have intercourse with a semi-erect penis.

  • Focusing on the physical touch of your partner can reinforce your capacity to get erect.

  • You can read about testosterone decline with age, and what can be done about it, here.

In fact, the basis of all treatment programs for erectile dysfunction is to take a man away from his fantasy and thinking, and get him back into the physical sensations of his body, The whole treatment method is set out on a specialist website devoted to erectile dysfunction and erection problems.


Written by Rod 25.07.07

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