Sex problems for men
Does being impotent make
you a Smurf?
Related
pages:
Well, does
being impotent make you a Smurf? For those
who don't know, a Smurf is a cute,
small, blue and white dwarf-like cartoon
character
for kids. You can have a look at them here
on
You Tube: Smurfs. They are completely
asexual, the kind of
asexual being some men think they become
when they lose their erection.
Impotence is
a slightly old fashioned term describing a
man's complete or partial inability to have
or maintain an erection. Today, the term most
commonly used is erectile dysfunction and
you can read more about it on the web pages
listed above. What follows is a discussion of
erectile dysfunction and masculinity.
Remember that
erectile dysfunction is often a matter of
degrees, i.e. very few men have no erectile
response at all, but most men -
especially as they get older - experience
some problems with their erections or their
ability to stay hard. The causes of erectile
difficulties can be physical or
psychological or both.
Many erectile
problems are caused by psychological factors
or have a psychological component. As most
men want to have erections that last so they
can have sex with a partner (male or
female), erectile dysfunction also
needs to be seen as an issue within a
relationship between two people. And
erectile dysfunction is also a major issue
for many men in relating to themselves,
their own sexuality, their male body,
and their identity and sense of masculinity.
The term
impotence can strike fear into male hearts as
the ultimate sign of personal failure,
"castration", loss of potency, worthlessness
and humiliation.
Impotence is equated
with a complete absence of sexuality and
masculinity. Most cultures throughout human history have looked for and used herbal
or magical cures for impotence, and such
remedies were often highly prized. Men fear
- and have always feared - the loss of
erection more than any thing else - except
possibly losing life
itself.
This
obsession with and adoration of erectile
function is central to the
Western ideal of "hyper-masculinity".
And this
means: a man
needs to be hard and tough at all times. Aggression,
success, surpassing other
men, not compromising, all these things seem
to endow a
man with power, status, and attractiveness.
Women need to be taken or - even better -
should easily fall for the truly masculine
male through the brute force of his superior
personality (which exudes almost feral, irresistible male sexuality).
Obviously, to be such a man, one must - at
the very least - have the ability to be fully erect
in any sexual situation which arises, and of
course, be able to maintain that erection
for as
long as possible.
So much for the
fantasy. In reality all men are normal humans with
feelings, doubts, strengths, a sense
of humor, desires
and fears, and so on. And that's really a good thing,
because most people would rather be in a
sexual relationship with another human being
than try and relate to a superficial
and highly stylized masculine
stereotype. Most men know, deep down, it is
OK for them to be a normal
person; they also know they can be loved and desired
for just being who they are.
However, there are still remnants of the
hyper-masculinity fantasy around in the
minds
of many men. They think that to be sexual, and
to be wanted sexually, a man must
have hard erections.
Most men are
able to accept that having feelings, doubts and needs
is OK - but NOT having erections is
the end of masculinity! Impotence is the point when a man stops
being a (true) man...and becomes a Smurf.
Men themselves seem to be passively
accepting that losing
one's erections means losing all right to be
sexual, losing all sexual desire, and losing
all
desirability - as well as becoming
less of a man.
No wonder men place
such huge importance on a rather limited
bodily function. So let me be very clear on
this now:
Losing your erection, to whatever
degree, does not turn you into anything
different. You are
still the same man, with the same hormones, muscles,
glorious parts and glorious failings, but
with a different degree of
erectile function.
You do not
mysteriously turn
into a Smurf, and asexual being, a cartoon
character. You are no less of a human being, and
no less of a man.
So,
why would anybody else - including your sexual partner
- see you
as any less? You're the same man. even if you've
lost some or all of your erectile function.
What is in question when
you have
erectile dysfunction is not your manhood or
masculinity, but your identification with a
stereotyped and impoverished idea of what
it means to be a man.
Which brings
me to an even more important aspect of
erectile dysfunction:
Being impotent or
having a degree of erectile difficulty does
not mean you have become asexual,
unattractive or lacking in libido. You are
still a sexual being, but you may need
to adjust the way you express your sexuality.
Surely it is
no surprise to anybody when I say
penetrative sex is not the only way of
having fun sexually? So why should any
problem with your erection mean the end of
your sex life? The same myth exists for
older adults, namely that as we get older
our bodies don't work so well anymore and we
stop having sex for physical reasons. This
is not actually the case very often! When
older adults give up their sexuality it is
much more about psychological factors. For
example, people believe you are not supposed
to have sex after 50 or 60 or 70 or
whatever, so you stop having sex. It's not
that you can't have sex, it's just that
you believe you can't. The same seems to
be happening for men with impotence: they
think they shouldn't/can't have sex anymore
so they give up having it - or even wanting
it. Some men may even feel guilty about
still having sexual thoughts or desires when
they are impotent.
Men with
erectile dysfunction can be very sexual.
They have sexual feelings and thoughts, they
are able to express
themselves sexually, and even if it does not
involve a rock hard erection, they can be
passionate and satisfying lovers.
I challenge all men with
erectile dysfunction to explore their sexuality in a
new way, to experience their bodies and what
they are capable of, fully and deeply.
It is quite
conceivable that an erectile problem means a
man
has to reinvent his sexuality and learn to
experience himself much
more fully as a sexual being then ever before.
He cannot cling to a narrow minded-view that
sex is about having rock-hard erections and
being able to penetrate his partner.
One more
thing:
some women (and men) equate loss of
erections to the end of a shared sex life.
Hopefully, this belief will be proved false
when you start to experiment with what is
possible and satisfying to both of you.
However, there is also a possibility that
the partner of a man with ED uses his
problem as an excuse not to engage in
partner sex anymore.
Maybe your sex life
wasn't all that satisfying before, or
your partner was never that interested for
his or her own reasons. This suggests a problem in
your
relationship with your partner. Suppose a
partner suggests that sex isn't working
anymore and you might as well forget about
it (perhaps because penetrative sex isn't possible
anymore). This is most likely not about your erections; it
might be about your partner's limited understanding
of sex, and their unwillingness to explore or
be satisfied through things like mutual masturbation or oral sex.
Most people can conjure up a sizzling sex
life even when penetration is not possible
- if both partners want to work on the
problem.
A man's impotence may look like a
physical and inevitable end to a couple's
sex life, when in fact the demise of sex
has more to do with psychological
factors in one or both of the partners.
It is
important that both
partners communicate
about sex and what they want, with or without erectile problems. Satisfying sex in a long-term
relationship isn't something that 'just
happens', it needs to be negotiated,
discussed and agreed. Both partners need to take risks and
be open about their likes and dislikes - and
this can be very challenging. ED does make
sex into something different, but in itself
it does not mean
the end of your sex life or the loss of your
masculine identity.
Written by
Anna 07.08.09
How Viagra works
Treatment for erectile dysfunction
Effect of impotence on men
Erection problems - one man's story
Erectile problems in gay men
Erectile dysfunction and women
ED - advice for women - how to support a man with ED
ED - What to do when Viagra doesn't work |
