The
following email was sent to us by Henry, a
54 year old man:
My wife and I
have been married for over 25 years. We both
are in good health and we both are deeply in
love with each other. Up to about ten years
ago we enjoyed occasional sexual intercourse
and she "allowed" me to go down on her for
about 30 seconds before she was so turned on
that she wanted me to stop and have
intercourse with her.
When I married my wife, all
she knew about sex was doing the
"missionary" position - not much touching, no
sexual fondling or caressing, and definitely
no cunnilingus or fellatio. Well, we did
somewhat progress over the years and she
found out to her delight that she liked
many things I showed her, including
love-kissing and oral sex. Of her own
initiative she also got down on me and
sucked me once in a while - which she loved.
Those experiences were fulfilling and
satisfying for us both. It took many years
to get to that point. We both enjoy romance,
long kisses and soft, loving embraces. She
never wanted to openly talk about our sexual
desires and what would make us happy and
give each other joy and fulfillment. Many
times, however, I have felt unfulfilled.
So, I wrote her a number of letters over the
years explaining exactly what I liked and
how I wanted to go down on her and love her
because it was the ultimate turn-on for me
and hoped that it would do the same for her.
Well, I knew kissing and oral sex greatly
aroused her which she liked very much. But I
think she was afraid that it would bring on
an orgasm and she didn’t want to loose
control before having “regular” intercourse.
As for me, a man, during sexual foreplay and
arousal, I can let myself completely go and
let her do to me what her heart desires - I
completely give myself to it. But I have
never experienced her doing that. When I try
to go between her legs to kiss her and lick
her, for example, she remains flat on the
bed with her legs just barely spread a bit.
Makes it hard to get to her even when I
gently try to coax her to open herself to my
tongue!
In my letters I have
explained how much I enjoy cunnilingus and
that it turns me on like nothing else. I’ve
even told her that she could meet me
sometime at the door when I get home without
wearing panties and just a short skirt - or
sitting across from me with her legs
slightly apart wearing no underwear. Now
that would be a turn-on for me which I could
not refuse! I wanted her to take the
initiative once in a while like that. But
she has never done that. Maybe my
expectations are out of bounds. I know she
enjoys what we do together but she makes it
so hard for me unless it’s in bed and the
lights are turned off.
Since having had high blood
pressure for many years, it finally did its
job on me so that I no longer can have a
full erection (ED). I tried Viagra, but all
that did for me was to make my face hot and
flushed. Since then, we both gave up having
sex altogether. She doesn’t want to arouse
me sexually because she knows that I can’t
have intercourse and so any sex play is
completely out. As much as I enjoy
cunnilingus, if she could give herself to
that and go ahead and have an orgasm,
wouldn’t that be a joy and fulfillment for
her since she does like it? (I catch myself
looking at other women’s legs and thighs and
wondering what it would be like going down
on them and the enjoyment it would bring…).
We sleep together but we might as well be in
twin beds. There is no caressing any more or
sexual touching.
Maybe my thinking is all
wrong and I’m just a pervert or whatever.
But I enjoy sex, especially cunnilingus, and
it would satisfy us both I’m sure. Am I
wrong here or should I just go on as is and
forget the whole thing. I love my wife and
would not consider to cheat on her. If my
thinking on this is legitimate, what can I
do? Can our sex life be rekindled? And if
yes, how can I breach this with her? For
her, any explicit reading material or video
would be considered crude and repulsive.
Anna's response:
Thank you for writing to me
and being willing to describe your experiences
and feelings openly in an email. I am very
sorry to hear about the situation you are
in, both with respect to the loss of your
erections and the "stuckness" you are
experiencing with your wife around sex. I
think it is a great loss when people find
that the person they love and are committed
to isn't up for being sexual in the same way
as they are.
I can only fully and
wholeheartedly support you in NOT giving up
on your sexuality and a fulfilling sex life
just because your erections aren't hard
enough for penetrative intercourse (or
happening at all) any more. Your erectile
problems will not have changed you into an
asexual being or even dented your libido.
Sexuality is still a part of you. Also, men
can have a lot of fun sexually without an
erect penis. It's important to fight back
against this myth that partner-sex must
involve penetrative sex and therefore sex
can only happen with a complete hard-on.
This is not what sex is about! If one sees
sex as playing, sensuality, emotional
connection, physical pleasure, sexual
arousal, then all of these experiences are
still open to you. There isn't any reason
why you couldn't enjoy sex, especially
giving and receiving oral sex even though
your penis doesn't respond with a visible
erection. It seems that you still have a
desire for sex, for the excitement and the
intimacy of sex, which is great.
Please don't give up on
having sexual experiences just because your
wife isn't quite on the same wavelength
just now. Please allow yourself to continue
to be a sexual person and to explore sex,
sexual touch and sexual fantasy by yourself
if necessary to get a sense for what kind of
stimulation is pleasurable to you now. It
may also make sense to learn more about
erectile dysfunction and the various
strategies to deal with it (for example,
read
Bernie Zilbergeld, 1999, The New Male
Sexuality, Bantam Press). Erectile
dysfunction (ED) is often a
matter of degrees and you may
find that your difficulty isn't as complete
as you expect it to be.
Additionally, if
Viagra didn't work for you the first
time round, it may be useful to consider
whether the reason it didn't work was more
psychological, more about your
relationship, than physiological. The use of
Viagra needs to be supported by a partner
otherwise it often 'doesn't work', i.e.
doesn't lead to a fulfilling sexual
experience. Also, when taking any new drug
one's body and mind often have to learn how
to interpret what is happening properly. For
example, with alcohol a person slowly gets
socialized into having an experience of
being drunk. It looks as if it's simply the
inevitable effects of the drug, but there is
a lot of social construction and learning of
how to respond in there as well. It may be worth
persevering with Viagra for a while, maybe
by experimenting with it by yourself to get
used to all the sensations and possibilities
involved in taking it, i.e. to learn how to
use it and enjoy its possibilities. Of
course, you will need a proper medical
assessment to do so to make sure you are not
damaging your health further.
As to how to negotiate this
issue with your wife, I think your strategy
of writing letters is an excellent one. It
takes the pressure out of communicating,
pressure which might be there if you tried
to
talk
about a difficult issue in a face-to-face conversation. It gives both of you
space and time to consider what to write or
reflect on what has been said, rather than responding with
defensiveness. I would suggest you keep going
with this strategy and tell her honestly
what is going on for you. You didn't mention
in your email whether she ever responded in
kind, i.e. whether she wrote letters in
reply to yours and openly talked about her
feelings in response to what you said to
her. This would be an important part of the
process in that you need to find out more
about what exactly is going on for her and,
if she is willing to share it with you, to
find out what is inhibiting her sexual
expression. The letters are working if both
of you are able to learn new things about
yourselves and each other in the process of
writing, and you're both able to get closer
even though it might be upsetting or
create conflict at the start.
To get back to having a
physical and sexual relationship you could
consider the
Sensate Focus exercises. This is the
classic, psychosexual behavioral treatment
program for ED and some female sexual
problems, such as
anorgasmia. It involves taking turns at
touching one's partner in increasingly sexual
ways, but you remove any urgency about
progressing
to intercourse, thereby taking away any
pressure to perform. The Sensate Focus
exercises might be very
useful for your wife so that she could
explore her body's sensations and sexuality in
a safe, non-pressurized way. As with Viagra,
Sensate Focus is a powerful treatment
option, but it needs to be fully endorsed by
both partners. If one of you isn't fully on
board it is easy for the process to become
sabotaged by 'not having enough time' or
'forgetting to do the exercises'. Both
of you need to be willing to take risks with
each other and to communicate about what is
coming up for you psychologically when doing
the exercises. Letters could be an easier
(and contained) way to feed back to your
partner what was happening for you on the
inside during the exercises if it is too
difficult to talk about it.
Finally, if you find that
things stay stuck with your wife and you are
not sure how to move forward I would
strongly suggest that you find a suitably
qualified couples'
or psychosexual psychotherapist. A third
person may be able to support you as a
couple as you move beyond a stuck place, or
may
give you extra exercises, challenges or view
points which help to move things forward. I believe
that your sex life is too important to just
allow it to fizzle out and die, no matter
what the quality of your erections!
Moreover, although it must be sad and
frustrating to lose your erections, this
challenge means you do need to actively
negotiate sex with your wife again and through this process
you may get to know each
other in a much more intimate way. Maybe
some good will come out of the ED!
If you find that your
partner does not want to talk about sex or
doesn't want to hear what you have to say
about wanting sex
despite your erectile difficulties, I would
suggest the issue really lies with your
relationship and not with your ED. I believe
you have every right to push your partner to
talk about the issues involved and/or to
suggest and insist on couple therapy. Of
course this will rock the boat of your
normal and possibly quite comfortable
co-existence, but it also means that through
taking new risks with each other you will
get to know yourself and your partner better.
You are doing your best to keep love and
passion alive and not let it die in
familiarity and avoidance.
