Psychosexual problems for men
Erectile
dysfunction and women
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pages:
It can be difficult for women
to make sense of erectile dysfunction (ED),
and even harder to understand
the effects it has on men. And because men
so often refuse to talk about sexual issues,
women may fall back on all the sexual myths about
erectile dysfunction
that abound in our society. For example,
women might
equate erectile dysfunction with complete
impotence; they may believe that it is the worst
thing that can happen to a man, worse than
any other health condition; they may assume
that men will feel emasculated, less
masculine than
other men; they may think erectile
dysfunction is beyond a man's control;
and they may believe he will never be able to have sex again
and therefore never want to try sex
again. As a result, some women conclude it
will be best
to avoid sex altogether
from that point onwards.
What men need to
understand about women and erectile
dysfunction is that:
-
Most women come from a
place of complete ignorance.
-
They
expect their partners to be devastated
and never want sex again.
-
They love their partners and
are willing to be supportive, so often try
and be helpful by avoiding sex all together.
In addition, if a woman
feels insecure about her own worth, she may
come to believe that her partner’s
problem with erections is really her fault.
Erectile dysfunction might be interpreted by her to mean that
her man doesn’t find her attractive anymore.
This may be confirmed for her when she finds
out that he still masturbates by himself
even though he says he isn't able to have
firm enough erections to penetrate her
during sex. Women may end up feeling bad
about themselves, withdrawing more and more
from the relationship, or becoming overly
demanding and seeking emotional reassurance in
other ways.
However, the reality is often
very different. A man often finds his female
partner just as attractive as before and
wants a lot of sex because his libido is
still the same, but he also feels inhibited
during sexual play with his partner. This
can happen if he believes she feels
penetrative sex is the only way of having
sex, and thinks oral sex or mutual
masturbation don’t constitute "proper" sex.
It’s not surprising that he may actually
feel sexually frustrated and spend more time
masturbating on his own than usual!
Firstly, women need to
find out about erectile problems
in men so that they get their facts
right.
ED is seldom complete and most men have
some erectile capacity. It may not be enough
for their penis to become stiff enough to allow
penetrative sex, but that still leaves many
other enjoyable sexual practices open to a
couple. Moreover, erectile dysfunction
doesn't necessarily mean there are other problems in the
relationship. More often it is due to a
man’s normal aging process, other health
concerns (or the medications needed to
manage them), a man’s loss of confidence or a
lot of performance anxiety. It is really
counterproductive if women take their
partner's erectile dysfunction as a
statement about them and their desirability.
However, it may be useful for a woman to
reflect on whether her partner’s erectile
dysfunction could
be a sign of relationship issues which are
resulting in their man feeling pressurized,
attacked or treated unfairly so that on
some level he isn’t feeling safe in the
relationship. Erectile dysfunction often has a
psychological component - mainly around
anxiety - which could be about being accepted,
pressure to perform, or a sense of emotional
safety in the relationship.
Sidebar: For information on male sexual
dysfunction - check out
www.male-sexual-dysfunction.com/delayed-ejaculation-1.html
For information on female
sexual dysfunction, check out
www.female-sexual-dysfunction.com
Once women have some
practical understanding of erectile
dysfunction they
still have to face many myths and
misrepresentations about what these erection
problems mean for their man.
Out of love and concern for their partners,
many women will start to avoid sex altogether so as not to tempt their partner.
He then ends up feeling bad about himself
and his limitations. Women may also find it
hard to initiate conversations about what's
happening as
they imagine their partners don't want to talk about such a
devastating issue. What men need to
realize is that women's silence and
avoidance of sex might be the best way she
can think of to support her partner.
Given that women often rely on personal
experience and helpful tips from
female friends to help
them manage problematic situations, it is easy to
see how women get stuck and simply fall
silent when it comes to issues around their
partner's potency.
It is really important that men with
erectile dysfunction
take the initiative in raising the subject.
And that means talking in depth about it, as incomplete answers from men can
be embellished by women with all sorts of negative elements
based on
fear and lack of knowledge. Men really need to
spell out:
-
what
happens in their bodies that's
different from before
-
why they
think this has happened
-
how much it's happening
-
what kind
of stimulation produces better
erections
-
what kind
of treatments there are
-
the level
of
libido they now have - and specifically
how much they desire their lover
-
how they
feel about not being able to have the
kind of sex they used to have
-
whether they
still wish to be sexual and what kind of
sex they would like
-
how they
feel about themselves and their
masculinity
-
how their
partner can best support them
If you're a man who finds it challenging
to initiate this kind of
conversation with your partner, please read
our
page on talking in relationships. It
might be easier to write things down in
letters or emails thereby communicating in a
slower and more distanced way - this gives
time for emotional processing and reflection,
and hopefully produces less defensiveness
and emotional upset. Men need to listen to
the impact their communications have on
women. You might, for example, ask yourself,
"How did she understand or interpret
what I just said?" "Did she misconstrue
things in some way or hear things I
didn’t mean because of her own fear?" "Is
there any information she still needs?"
Proper communication needs ongoing dialogue
and not just a one-off conversation.
Invite her to ask questions now and in the
future, making it clear that you are willing
to keep talking about the topic and that it
is OK for her to bring it up again.
Once there is proper
communication a couple can work together to
see the opportunities in the
challenge of erectile dysfunction; they can also manage the losses
(e.g., of a particular form of sexual
expression)
involved in it. Erectile dysfunction changes people's
assumptions about themselves, their
sexuality, and their usual way of having sex
with each other. This does not have to be a
negative thing! It only means that change is
inevitable, but it could be change for the
better.
By communicating effectively
with each other it is possible to use
erection problems as
a starting point for renegotiating your sex
life and possibly other elements of your
relationship as well.
Women may jump at the
opportunity to review both sexual and
emotional issues.
Maybe
having to deal with your erectile
dysfunction will
help you start talking again, so you get to know each other better. You could
negotiate a different kind of sex life, bringing new openness and
passion into your relationship. Men may also
benefit greatly from this improvement, as
they open up their sexual universe beyond
their assumptions that sex centers on the
penis! They may find
that the sex they are enjoying with their
partner becomes freer, more emotionally intense
and very passionate.
Rod adds: I'd make the
observation that good communication is a
recipe for success in all sexual
relationships - because it opens up the two
members of a couple to a level of
vulnerability which they may not otherwise
experience. When emotionally open, or
vulnerable, a couple can communicate on many
more levels without judgment or blame, and
then real intimacy develops. It is this
intimacy which produces good sex and close
relationships. However a level of trust is
necessary before this is possible, so I'd
have to say that trust is the most
fundamental factor in all successful
relationships. Certainly the men I've met in
my years working with sexual difficulties
and dysfunctions like
avoiding premature ejaculation have
cited trust as the biggest issue they have
with women. After all, you wouldn't really
want to be intimate with someone you didn't
trust, would you?
Recommended reading for
men and women:
Zilbergeld, B. (1999) The New
Male Sexuality. Bantam Press
If you wish to get some
information on controlling premature
ejaculation, click here.
Written by Anna 16.08.09 |
