Let's assume
you have been in a relationship for quite a
number of years. You love each other very
much despite the usual, day-to-day
difficulties. You feel settled and would
never consider breaking up. You both are
reaching middle age or have already done so.
Overall, you feel very content with each
other. Sex is still very important to you,
but maybe not as much as it used to be.
As the months
go by you notice that your sex life seems to
be fading a bit, although you don't quite
know why. Somehow your partner seems less
interested in sex than he used to be and you
are left wondering why. Or maybe it is very
obvious to you that your male partner is
having problems getting or maintaining an
erection. Or maybe he has been to see a
medical doctor for one of the normal middle
age-related health concerns such as high
blood pressure and since he has started
taking medication for it his erections are
notably softer. Of course you want to
support your partner as best as you can. But
what exactly can you do?
Firstly, it
is really important that you don't take his
problem with his erections personally. Some
degree of ED is a normal sign of aging in
men. Just like a male partner wouldn't think
of taking a woman's onset of the menopause
as a personal failure or insult, so women
need to stand back from their partner's ED
and not take it personally. ED is not a sign
that he loves his partner any less. Also, ED
does not mean you will never have sex again
or that he has lost interest in you. But it
will mean that the two of you need to
re-negotiate what kind of sex you will have
with each other. This could be a very good
thing as most people get stuck in routines
even with sex and a shake-up of settled ways
could bring renewed romance and passion into
your relationship.
Secondly, it
is important that you inform yourself about
ED. ED often has multiple causes. It can be
due to physiological or psychological
reasons or both. The more you know about the
condition the better you will be able to
understand what is happening for your man.
For more information on ED click here.
Next, you
will need to talk with your partner about
what is happening. Such a conversation may
be extremely emotional and delicate for both
of you, but it essential for managing the
issue. Only if you ask him will you be able
to find out what is going for him and how he
feels about it. Also, it makes sense to deal
with ED as a team as it impacts both of you.
To manage ED together you will need to find
out what sex means to both of you, how you
feel about his ED, what your usual roles are
during sex and how they might have to change
to adapt to his new limitations. Click here
for more information on
how to
talk about difficult issues. Once you
have started talking with each other,
continue to do so. ED is an issue which will
need many conversations not just one.
If your
partner is not initiating a conversation
about ED it is really important that you do.
ED can be a sign of high cholesterol and
serious damage to blood vessels.
Therefore, it is essential that a man with
ED consults a medical doctor for a thorough
medical check up. It may be possible to
prevent a heart attack at this point so
please make your partner see a doctor! As
men have a tendency to neglect their health
and may put off seeing a medical doctor
until it is too late, it is important that
you talk about the issue with him.
Try
initiating a conversation when you are
feeling grounded and not too worried, in a
matter-of-fact tone of voice. You could
mention that you have noticed that he seems
to be having problems having or maintaining
his erections lately (statement of fact,
spoken without value judgment). It may help
to reassure him by saying that you love him
very much (reassurance) and that you are
concerned for him (information about your
motivation/feelings) as you have read that
ED could be a sign of high cholesterol and
damage to blood vessels (giving him
information). Follow this up by requesting
him to see a doctor for a general health
check up and to discuss his ED (clear
request for behavioral change), because you
are worried about him (information about
your motivation/feelings). You do not have
to follow the above recipe in any strict
order, but try and cover all of the
different areas suggested above to give your
communication maximum clarity.
Fourthly, I
would suggest that you take some time to
reflect on your relationship without
attaching any blame to him or yourself. ED
is often caused by psychological factors
such as lack of trust in a relationship,
anxiety, stress or performance anxiety in
connection with sex. ED in rare cases can
also be a sign that a man does not find his
partner attractive any more (or in very,
very rare cases, was never attracted to
women or aroused by shared sexual practices
in the first place). It is really important
not to panic about these possibilities, but
to step back and reflect on them
dispassionately, with a degree of detached
curiosity.
Be curious about your
relationship, but don't blame yourself for
what you might find.
You will have
both tried your best to love each other, but
maybe life got in the way a bit over the
years despite both of your best intentions.
Also, just because he may feel a lack of
trust doesn't mean you gave him any reason
to feel this way. He may have already felt
like this before he even met you or it could
be due to factors, which had nothing to do
with you.
To
summarize, give yourself time to reflect in
your relationship, maybe a few days or
weeks, don't attach any value judgments or
blame to what you are considering, but be
curious and open minded in your musings.
Here are some
pointers as to what could result in a man
feeling the following to help you with your
reflections:
Lack of trust
Reasons
for a man feeling like this could be
frequent arguments, which he feels he
can't win and he still ends up
apologizing for, whether he feels he was
in the wrong or not;
A
perceived lack of respect from your
side, e.g. ongoing critical remarks,
ironic comments or attempts at
belittling or humiliating him;
Angry
outbursts from you, where you seem to
lose control and that are unpredictable;
Sulkiness, silence and withdrawing on
your part as a way of controlling what
is happening in the relationship;
Affairs
or flirting with other men (or women);
Emotional
attacks, moodiness or general
unpredictability
Anxiety
General
anxiety about work, home life, money or
other issues beyond your relationship;
Anxiety
about how the two of you are getting on
together and the state of your
relationship;
Anxiety
about being sexual with you if he feels
you dislike sex or he feels he is
hurting you through sexual contact, e.g.
if the female partner struggles with
vaginismus or dyspareunia
Stress
General
stress about work, money and other
responsibilities. Maybe he feels
overworked and burdened by too much
responsibility;
Stress
created through arguments or emotional
disharmony in the relationship
Performance anxiety related
to sex
Placing
too much emphasis on penetrative sex,
e.g. believing that this is the only way
to have ‘real' or ‘good' sex (and all
the other pleasant things one could do
in bed, which don't require an erection
just don't count).
Being
very serious or tense about sex and for
both of you not to be able to laugh
together when things don't go as planned
in bed;
For the
male partner to feel responsible for his
partner's orgasm and sexual satisfaction
(It's a common sexual myth that men feel
as if it is their responsibility to
‘give' their female partner an orgasm
and if possible through penetration
alone – this belief places an enormous
amount of pressure on the man and his
ability to have an erection).
If the
female partner is not willing to
masturbate herself to orgasm should she
want one so that the responsibility for
her sexual satisfaction doesn't have to
rest with the male partner.
And a few words on
attractiveness
Let's face it
– we are all getting older and are probably
not as attractive as we used to be. That is
really ok and something that we all need to
accept in good humor and as gracefully as
possible. However, another thing altogether
is to let oneself go and not to make any
effort for one's health and physical
attractiveness. If you feel this might apply
to you it could help if you start taking
much more pride in your own body and
appearance. Also, you will be attractive to
your partner if you find yourself
attractive, no matter your weight or state
of wrinkles. It will impact your partner if
you feel unattractive to yourself or really
dislike your own body. Please consider
working on yourself in this area so that you
feel more comfortable in your own skin as a
way of promoting playfulness and enjoyment
between the two of you.
Finally, we
are coming to the more hands on part of
helping your partner with ED. When I say
hands on I mean hands on: It will greatly
help your partner in gaining or maintaining
an erection if you are willing to gently or
quite firmly use your hand to stroke, rub,
squeeze and in any other way you can think
of massage his penis. The older a man gets
the less sensitive his penis becomes and
most men past 40 will need some manual
stimulation to help their erections along.
If his erection softens during intercourse
give both of you a bit of time, relax,
continue with
foreplay and manual stimulation of his
penis. It is quite likely that his erection
will become firm again and you can continue
either with what you are doing right there
and then, or go back to where you were
before. It's OK not to use his erection for
penetrative sex the minute he is able to do
so. Erections come and go and they become
more reliable the less pressure there is for
him to use them. Also, most women enjoy this
part of sex, which could be classified as
foreplay, a lot - so why rush?
If you are
finding that his ED continues to be a
problem the two of you may want to consider
the
available treatment options. There are a
range of behavioral as well as
pharmaceutical options available, most
notably
Viagra. All of these options do require
for both of you to want to implement them
and to work together in using them. You will
need to reflect on what it might mean to you
if your partner takes Viagra for example and
how you might best go about it. Although
Viagra is very reliable in giving men
erections it does not automatically lead to
both of you having a satisfying sexual
experience with each other. Again, it is
essential that you talk about the issues
involved and that both of you want to use
Viagra, or any other treatment option
available. Often men stop using Viagra or
one of the behavioral treatments not because
they don't work, but because it seems to
create more problems in their relationship
in some way or they don't feel they can be
open about it with their partner.
The next
important step will be for you to explore
sex again with each other in new ways. What
does each of you enjoy now about being
sexual with each other even if it does not
involve penetrative sex? This part may be
very awkward at first if you got used to a
set routine, but experimentation and shared
exploration could open the door to new
vitality, romance and enjoyment in your
relationship. I believe that women
especially can benefit from this situation
as we often want more closeness, emotional
connectedness and touching. Men are more
conditioned to express all of these needs via
their penises and ED may result in a man
having to rethink some of his basic
assumptions about sex and love. This can be
an opportunity, even though it might be
challenging.
Finally, it
can only help your man if you allow yourself
to explore and experience your own
sexuality more fully. There is probably nothing as
sexually exciting as seeing your partner
feel very turned on. It's OK that you allow
yourself to be with your own sensations and
desires however small, noisy, lazy or
lustful they may be. If you allow yourself
to be sexual and to enjoy your own sexuality
in whichever way suits you best it will help
your partner in his own enjoyment. However,
enjoying sexuality is only something you can
do for yourself, because you are connected
to the pleasure your body is giving you not
for somebody else. So please see this
suggestion as a permission to go with your
own sexuality first and foremost. And your
partner may benefit enormously.
Further
reading:
Bernie
Zilbergeld, 1999, The New Male Sexuality,
Bantam Press
Sandra
Pertot, 2005, Perfectly Normal. A Woman's
Guide to Living with Low Libido. Rodale
