Psychosexual
problems for men and women
Low sexual
desire
Related
pages:
Low sexual desire is now
the most common sexual problem in men and
women. However, it is difficult to treat
as it can have many different causes,
including medical issues, relationship
problems, and personal issues stemming from one's psychological
defenses.
Additionally, it is important to consider
who is making low sexual desire an issue: the person with the low sex drive themselves,
or their partner? Who is to define
what is normal in respect to sex drive given
the fact that sexual drive can hugely vary
in people?
The following paragraphs and
pages will hopefully give an introduction to
the subject. However, low sexual drive is
not a simple problem, if indeed it is a
problem at all. If you or your partner seem
to be affected by it, take some time to
investigate different perspectives and
possibilities. Low sex drive cannot be fixed
with a pill, but could be a good starting
point to find out more about your sexuality
or that of your partner.
First of
all there is no way
of defining what constitutes low sex drive as we have no
standard against which to judge what level
of desire any particular person should have.
Sex drive varies considerably in all of us.
Yes, some people are horny most of the time,
unless tired, ill or preoccupied otherwise,
and some of us seem to be able to do without
sex and not even notice much that it isn't
there. Who says what is right or wrong? We
do not even have a measure about how often
everyone else is really having sex. Quite
often people tend to assume that other
people are having much more sex then they
are having themselves, when this is not
true.
To take the blaming out of
the low sex drive issue, one of the writers
on this topic, David Schnarch, talks about
the "low desire partner" and the "high
desire partner". He makes the point that
low sexual desire only becomes an issue if
there is a lot of difference in desire
between two people in an intimate
relationship. If both partners have
similar sex drives, whether they are "low"
or "high", there's usually no problem.
Therefore someone who wants sex three times a
week may be the high desire partner when in
relationship with someone who wants sex once
a week, but becomes the low desire partner
when in a relationship with someone who
wants sex twice a day. Low sexual desire is
relative to what you want yourself and what
your partner wants.
Neither of the partners
has the right to define how much sex is
"normal" or how much the couple should be
having. Both points of view are equally
valid.
What is low sexual
desire?
As discussed above it is
impossible to define low sexual desire in
practice as what classifies as "low" is
relative. However, clinicians do make a
distinction between low sexual desire and
sexual aversion. The latter would mean that
someone experiences strong negative emotions
like fear, disgust, shame or anger when
engaging in sex or even when just thinking
about it. An aversion to sex can be the
result of sexual trauma, such as childhood
abuse or adult rape and may need in depth
psychotherapy.
Low sexual desire on the
other hand describes someone who does not often think about sex spontaneously
and may
not initiate it, but who does not think of
sex as unpleasant.
Additionally, people with low sexual desire
function physically well in a sexual
situation and normally have no other
problems with sex. However, if there is an
underlying sexual problem, for example
premature ejaculation in men or lack of
orgasm in women, this problem needs to be
looked at. Generally speaking, people
with low sexual desire function well
sexually, become aroused and experience
orgasms. However they may not be especially
attracted to sex, or go looking for it, or
perhaps their bodies never remind them that
sex is a possibility.
Although low sexual desire
in itself may not be a problem in itself for
someone,
having ongoing fights with one's partner
over sex will clearly be stressful. Low
sexual desire can be very difficult to
handle in a relationship and can cause both
partners considerable distress. A perceived
lack of sex needs to be talked about and
addressed by the couple as a team. Looking into what is going on for the low
desire partner is only one part of what
needs to happen. It is equally valid for the
high desire partner to experiment with new
ways of managing the difference between both
partners. Both partners will need to take
some responsibility for the issue and good
communication and ability to compromise will
be key to finding a workable solution.
Low sexual desire:
Things to think about
There is no "normal" level of sex drive and
whatever your level of libido is, it's OK.
However, if you feel you want to develop
your understanding of your own level of
sexual desire or that of your partner,
please read on.
Medical issues
Firstly, it is important
to consider whether there may be a medical
issue, which affects your sex drive.
There could be a completely unrelated
problem such as chronic pain or invasive or
stressful treatments for other medical
conditions such as chemotherapy or surgery.
Some types of medication may also adversely
affect your sex drive. Think back to when
your sex drive was higher (if it was at some
point). Can you think of
any medical reason or did you start to take
any type of medication at the time things
changed, which may be
affecting your sex drive? For women this may
also include the contraceptive pill,
although it is not always clear if the pill does
affect a woman's sex drive.
Testosterone directly
affects the sex drive in both men and women. Men can
get their testosterone levels checked and
this may be a good idea if your sex drive
has always been fairly low. Some writers
also talk about 'andropause' as a male
equivalent to the menopause in women, when
hormone levels fall due to age. There is no
consensus yet whether the andropause really
exists or not, but some men say they can
feel a lack of interest in sex due to age at
some point. However, there is of course also
a natural decline of libido with age. Getting your testosterone
levels checked may provide some answers.
Although a hormone replacement therapy
exists not all doctors support it as a
treatment and not all men who are on it
respond to it. Hormone replacement therapy
may also have other side effects and needs
to be carefully considered. [Note by
co-author Rod: I disagree with much of
this. I think the andropause is a real
condition and should be treated.
See the page on the andropause for more
information on age related hormonal decline
for men.]
Lifestyle
factors
Secondly, consider
things like lifestyle
factors and your relationship. In both
cases consider whether there ever was a time
in your life when you felt more interested
in sex. If there was, when did things
change?
In terms of lifestyle it is easy
to see that more stress, more work, less
exercise and less sleep will not be good for
your sex life. Good sex takes time and
energy. You need to be able to have a clear
head, feel fairly carefree for a while and
have time to play with your partner. If you
are always feeling anxious about work or
some other aspect of your life it will be
hard for your sexual drive to come through.
This may be less of an issue with younger
adults, but as sexual desire naturally
decreases with age you may need to give
yourself better opportunities to feel
sexual. Having children may also be an
important aspect: You may need to have some
times when you are alone in the house or
when you are away together with your partner
to feel like you can really let go. If these
types of lifestyle factors are contributing
to your low sex drive talk to your partner
about them. The two of you can find some
practical solutions so that you still have
some energy and interest left at the end of
your day for sex.
Relationship
issues
One very tricky issue to
tackle is situational low desire that is
specific to your partner. In other
words your sex drive is fine, just that you
are not interested in having sex with your
partner. In an otherwise good and
possibly loving relationship this may be a
very difficult issue to bring up! The
question to ask yourself is whether or not you
are interested in sex with other people or in
other situations? Was your sexual desire
higher before you settled into this long
term relationship? Are you OK with
masturbating on your own, but not with
partner sex?
Most long term relationships
start off with plenty of sex, but then
familiarity and routine starts to set in as
well as the fact that maybe you got the
first surge of hornyness out of your system. Think
about your sexual partner. Do
you still fancy him or her? It is possible
that the straight answer to that
is "no". Think about what has
changed since you did feel
sexually attracted. We all get older, but
your partner may have put on lots of weight
or started dressing really badly or is
simply always stressed. Although it may feel
impossible to bring this up it may also be
vital to do so. If you do not talk about it
in a respectful and constructive way your
relationship may seriously suffer in the
future. At least if you talk about it with
your partner he or she may be able to
address the problem in some way or you could
work around it.
An aspect of not fancying your partner could
be more specifically about not fancying the
sex you tend to have with your partner.
Sex needs to be kept alive: boredom or
routine kills off desire. Think about what
kind of sex you would like to have with your
partner. All couples will need to work
on their sexual repertoire at some point and
try out new things. As the low desire
partner, you may want to find out what
turns you on in your head to get a clearer
idea of what you
want. This will allow you to develop your
desire first without feeling pressurized by
your partner to do something new.
At some point see whether you can talk to
your partner about what kind of sex you
would like to have. Both of you need to feel
OK about changes, but both of you may also
end up having a really good time if you are
brave enough to tell your partner
what you want.
Another issue, which is
important when it comes to long term
relationships and sex is the dynamic that
has developed between the two of you about
sex. It's no fun to feel you must
have sex just because your partner wants you to.
There is no surer way to kill off desire
than this! If this is the case
you may lose your own sense of desire more
and more as the
pressure to be sexual increases. Quite often this
happens to people who also feel responsible
about other things in the relationship.
First off, give yourself permission to be
your own sexual being independent of your
partner.
Your sexual desire is yours to satisfy and enjoy yourself.
If you feel you must have sex, it may be useful to
disconnect your own sexuality from your
partner's for a while: you could agree that
it is OK for each of you to be sexual, but
that neither one of you is responsible for
the other's orgasm. In practice this might
mean that you spend sexual time masturbating
each other or each of you masturbates yourself in
your partner's presence without feeling responsible for the
other person's orgasm. That way, you can
learn to be sexual or not, as you choose, without it
affecting your partner's sexual
satisfaction.
Finally, low sex drive can
also be a result of deeper patterns in your
relationship. For sexuality to work one
needs some space and difference between
partners. In relationships which are built
on a
parent-child dynamic or in other words a
symbiotic or co-dependent pattern,
sexuality often disappears as it does not
fit into the equation. Both partners
need to be self sufficient and be able to
function independently for there to be sexual
attraction and a wish to come together
sexually at some point.
David Schnarch
has developed a couple therapy system called
The Sexual Crucible Approach
on this premise. He argues that often
therapists suggest more intimacy and
physical closeness in couples with a desire
problem, but that actually the partners are
too enmeshed already. "For example, few
people have sexual desire for someone with
whom they constantly have to listen,
validate and empathize. And many people do
not want sex after they have negotiated and
compromised about what they want." (Schnarch
2000, page 23). Schnarch gives 4 ways in which
differentiation, i.e. the opposite of being
enmeshed, manifests itself in a
person:
-
Maintaining a clear sense of self while
being physically and emotionally close
to a "significant other"
-
Be able to regulate your own anxiety
-
Not reacting to the other person's
anxiety
-
Being willing to tolerate discomfort for
growth.
Another way of seeing
low sexual desire is as a type of
communication in the relationship. In other
words, low sexual desire can stand for
something else which is not talked about,
e.g.
lack of quality time together. And low
sex drive can also be
part of the distribution of power in a relationship, or
even a
psychological game.
Low sexual
desire as a personal issue
Finally, low sexual desire
can be a profoundly personal issue. This may
be how you have always experienced yourself.
Some people are able to link their lack of
desire with negative childhood experiences
or negative attitudes towards sexuality
which they have picked up from their
parents. It is also possible that thinking
back you cannot recall sexuality ever being
present in your family at all, which also
might explain why it is not present in your
life now. To think more about how your
parents attitude to sex may still influence
you, read up on the
Ego State Model.
Bear in mind also that sexuality can be very
frightening to individuals. After all, we
have to make ourselves vulnerable; we have
to be
psychologically - as well as physically - naked
for sex to work. Letting yourself be
vulnerable may clash with the psychological
defenses you have developed as a child to
cope with what was going on around you. For
some people sexual desire is inextricably
linked with experiences of shame in
childhood and is therefore avoided in
adulthood. Although your sexual
desire can be low due to past experiences
which have affected
your psychological make-up today, it is also
a very rewarding journey to become more
sexual and unearth
your desire.
Simply let yourself reflect on what is
happening in your body, how do you feel
about sex. You can also have a look at the
page tips
for improving your sexual desire. See
how you respond physically and
psychologically to implementing some of the
ideas mentioned there. How do you feel
about yourself as a sexual being,
when you experience sexual desire?
It's often helpful to find a good therapist
to help you work on these issues!
Additionally, you may get a lot out of using
a body based approach to personal
development such as Yoga or meditation. You can also read books and
use them to trigger your thinking. I would
recommend Bernie Zilbergeld's book "The New
Male Sexuality" for everyone who wants
practical solutions to sexual issues. It's a
great book, which women will also get a lot
from! It might also help you to read
"Perfectly Normal" by Sandra Pertot if you
want to accept your low desire better and
not feel like you have to change to make
anybody else happy.
Good luck with your sexual
journey!
References:
Pertot, S. (2005) Perfectly
Normal. A Woman's Guide to Living with Low
Libido. Rodale
Schnarch, D. (2000) Desire
Problems. A Systemic Perspective. In Leiblum,
S. and Rosen, R. (Eds.) (2000) Principles
and Practice of Sex Therapy. Third Edition,
The Guilford Press
Zilbergeld, B. (1999) The
New Male Sexuality. Revised edition, Bantam
Books
Written by
Anna 14.11.06
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