Psychosexual
problems for men and women
Low sexual
desire: Tips for improving your sex
drive
Related
pages:
If you
haven't read our
page on low
sex drive in general yet, please do so now.
On this page I will summarize some of the
ideas already contained in the previous page
and add some new ones. There is no single
way to increase ones libido for certain, however,
there are some strategies that can help.
1.
Consider whether there are any medical
issues affecting your libido
Low sex drive
can be caused by medical conditions, most
notably depression. It can also be a side
effect of treatments for diseases such
as cancer, or other a sign of another
medical issue, such as chronic pain. Some
prescribed drugs adversely affect
sexual interest such as anti-psychotic
medication and antidepressants. If you think
that a medical
condition could be causing your low libido, then the
medical condition needs to be addressed
first. Please consult with your physician if
you are concerned about your health. If you
suspect that your medication is
having an impact on your libido, talk to your
physician about it. There may be alternative
drugs available, which do not have this
impact on you.
2.
Consider what you would need in principle to
feel more sexual
We all need
certain background conditions to feel safe
and relaxed around our sexuality. These
conditions may be essential for you to be
able to experience and express your desire.
Think about what you may need to be in place
for you to feel Ok and able to be more
sexual. This could be around personal
issues, such as to feel better about yourself
or your body, or it could be about your
relationship, such as to feel closer to your
partner or to feel more understood by him or her, or
it could be about general things in your
life such as less stress or less
responsibility. It may help you to sit down
and list all the things you can think of that
may have an impact on your sexual desire.
You can then take stock of what needs
changing in your life and set yourself goals
to do so. If you need more help with this
exercise, please read Bernie Zilbergeld's
book 'The New Male Sexuality', 1999,
published by Bantam Press.
3.
Are you experiencing a
psychosexual problem that needs resolving?
Sex is
certainly no fun if it's not working for
you. There are a range of
psychosexual
issues, which can affect men, e.g.
erectile
dysfunction and
premature ejaculation, and
women, e.g. vaginismus and anorgasmia.
Experiencing these difficulties in ones sex
life can be very stressful for the
individual. It is therefore easy for
somebody affected by these issues to lose
their interest in sex all together. However,
psychosexual complaints can be resolved and
it is possible that your libido will return
to new heights once you are confident that
you will enjoy sex. To find out more
about
psychosexual issues please click here.
Psychosexual problems need to be resolved,
or at least accepted and worked on, before
any issues about low libido can be tackled.
5. Improve
the quality of your relationship
Relationship
issues can be a big factor in causing low
sex drive. If you do not feel
appreciated by your partner, or you feel
that he or she is always nagging you or
angry with you, you may not be very
interested in having sex with him or her.
You may also need to be honest with yourself
as to whether or not you still desire sex
with your partner. These issues need to be
addressed for you to be in an honest, open and passionate
relationship with your partner. If you are constantly avoiding
having those important but difficult
discussions it will not help your
relationship in the long run. You could
consider going into couples therapy, if you
feel talking open and honestly with each
other would be too difficult to do for the
two of you on your own. Click here for more
info about relationships.
5. Improve
the quality of your sex life
Problems with
low desire can reflect how uninteresting or
difficult your sex life with your partner
has become. Often people need to become more
assertive to be able to ask their partner
for what would rock their boat. Allow yourself to fantasize in the privacy
of your own mind. What really turns you
on? Is there a way you make this
happen with your partner? Can you envisage improving your
sex life so that it would
be worth your while to get interested? It
might not be easy for your partner to hear
that he or she is after all not the lover
they thought they were, however, there may
also be real willingness to improve. Rather
than starting off this conversation with all
the things that are not working, suggest
ways to improve your sex life together in a
way that would be fun for both of you. If
you feel you are getting stuck on this one
you can always explore books and videos
together on how to become better lovers for
each other. Click here to read more
about
talking to your partner about sex.
6. Allow
yourself to say no
There is
probably no surer way to kill your own
desire than feeling obliged to have sex with
your partner when you don't want to. Some
people tend to go along with their partner's
wishes just to keep the peace even if they
are really not interested. Sometimes
this may be quite ok (see below on having
sex in the absence of great desire), but if
it is a regular thing and you end up getting
more and more turned off during sex, than
this strategy can mean your own desire gets
lost. It is important to realize that your
sexuality belongs to you alone and can not
be provided on demand for somebody else. It
may be important that you say no to your
partner for a while so that you stop feeling
responsible for his or her satisfaction.
This way you can allow yourself to
experience your own sexual desire
independent of performance pressures. This
principle is used in the
sensate focus
exercise by psychosexual therapists to work
with a range of sexual difficulties.
However,
saying no needs to be explained and talked
about with your partner.
Differences in
sexual desire are amongst the most divisive
issues for couples to deal with as both of
you may end up feeling very angry,
frustrated, unloved and misunderstood. Good
communication is essential as you
need to explain to your partner why you want some
time out from sex. You could negotiate what
else you are willing to do whilst you are taking time
out from your sex life. A compromise could
include plenty of physical contact and a
helping hand for your partner when he or she
gets turned on without any pressure for you
to get sexually aroused.
7. Make
sure you have some time together and for
yourself
For some
people sexual desire only surfaces when
there is plenty of time to relax and there
are no other worries on their minds. Also,
many people want to feel emotionally
connected and intimate with their partner
before they get into the mood for sex. It is
essential that you two have quality time
together, which is not taken up by chores
and worries. Also, you may need plenty of
time as an individual to relax and be in
tune with your body for it to suggest sex to
you as an interesting option. You could
check whether time is an issue for you if
you think back to your last holiday. Did you
feel more sexual, and if so why? How could
you make more space for yourself and your
relationship in your life?
8.
Practice the
Kegel exercises
The Kegel
exercises are a set of physical exercises
developed by a gynecologist called Dr. Kegel.
These exercises aim at strengthening the
muscles in your pelvic floor region and
in and around your
genitals. Originally, Dr. Kegel developed
the exercises to cure urinary stress
incontinence, however, the exercises also
work to increase overall health in the
pelvic area. Women have the advantage here
as they can use a resistance trainer, such
as the Kegel Master, to train their pelvic
floor muscles, however, the Kegel exercises
are also a great idea for men. Through the
Kegel exercises one can strengthen the
muscles involved in sexual activity as well
as increase overall blood flow to this
region. This can result in an
increase of sexual pleasure, confidence in
your sexual functioning and greater
awareness of your pelvic region in your
mind. Click here to read more about the
Kegel exercises.
9. Allowing
yourself to fantasize
Sexual fantasy is a
great way of exploring your sexuality
without performance pressure in the privacy
of your own mind. You may find that you tend
to not fantasize about sex if your libido is
low. However, you could really play with
fantasies on purpose and see what happens
for you. Are you letting yourself go with
the fantasy or do you have a tendency
to avoid your own sexual thoughts and
feelings? Sexual fantasy is a normal thing
for all of us. Letting yourself enjoy a
sexual thought or image allows you to
connect better with your own desire and with what
might turn you on in real life. To read more
about
sexual fantasy click here.
10. Explore
erotic literature and films
Erotic images
and fiction are a very old human pastime.
Today, we get swamped with sexual imagery
online as well as on film. Unfortunately, a
lot of erotic fiction and film is of very
poor quality . However, good and exciting
erotic fiction and pornography does exist.
Even if you feel that most porn out there
turns you off at a glance, with some care it
is possible to find erotic materials that
are respectful and fun to watch. As a
starting point try female directors of porn
movies such as
Candida Royalle or artistic films for
example by
Libido
Films. Erotic fiction can be as
simple as Nancy Friday's books on
sexual
fantasies or more elaborate like the
erotic stories for women in the Black Lace
Series. Allowing yourself to enjoy an erotic
film or book can do wonders for your sex
drive.
11. Use the
'Simmering exercise' by Bernie Zilbergeld
This exercise
is from Bernie Zilbergeld's book 'The New
Male Sexuality', 1999 Bantam Press. If you
haven't read the book yet, please do. It's
the best book out there on men and
relationships as well as for men and their
relationships. The following 'simmering'
exercise was developed by Carol Ellison and
Bernie Zilbergeld, and includes some slight
alterations of mine:
1) 'Next time
you are experiencing a sexual feeling, don't
just let it drift by, hold on to it. See
whether you can elaborate it into a fantasy.
Imagine what you would like to do with the
person that has evoked the sexual feelings
in you. Feel free to get really into it!
What would it feel and taste like? Keep
playing with the thoughts and feelings to
create your own x-rated movie. Hold on to
the images for a while and then let them
fade.'
2) 'An hour
or two later, bring the images back to mind.
Close your eyes and let the x-rated movie
run again. Maybe you want to make some
alterations, or run it exactly as before.
Keep doing this at various points throughout
your day. If you want to intensify the
physical sensations, make sure you relax and
let yourself become aware of your pelvis and
genitals. You could throw in a few
Kegel exercises too.'
3) 'Next time
you remember to run your movie, make sure to
include your partner in it, if he or she
isn't in it already. You can bring the old
images to mind as they were, and then let
the other person's image fade and substitute
it with that of your partner. Would you like
to do the same with your partner as with the
person before? Develop your ideas as you
like.'
4) 'Once you
get to meet your partner you are probably
ready for action. It may be a good idea to
let your partner know you are keen even
before you get home, unless he or she is
nearly always ready for action. A short
phone call or text message with a
flirtatious or suggestive message should do
the trick. On the other hand feel free to
take your time and experiment with hanging
on to your sexual thoughts whilst he or she
is around. What is that like for you?'
12. Connect more with your physical
sensations and your body in general
Our sexuality
is firmly connected with our bodies. To feel
sexual we need to allow our physical
sensations to take up space in our
awareness. For some people this is very hard
in adulthood as they have learned to
disconnect from their bodies as children and
to mainly 'live in their head' instead.
However, for sexuality to work, we need to
let go and allow our bodies to take charge.
If you feel you are not very well connected
with your body and this may be affecting
your libido, it may help you to practice a
physical hobby such as yoga, tai chi,
running or going to the gym. Also, physical
relaxation exercises like
autogenic training or meditation may
support you in connecting more with your
body. For example, autogenic training
teaches you how to relax your body and
breath deeply. Once you are in a relaxed
state you can focus on breathing whilst
letting your awareness rest in your pelvis.
How does your pelvic area and genitals feel
to you at that point? See whether you
can allow yourself to stay relaxed and aware
of the rich sensations coming from your
pelvis.
13. Allow
yourself to amplify feelings
Just like
some of us learn to switch off from
our bodies in childhood so do others from
their feelings. This dampening down can
apply to feelings in general or only to some
feelings, such as sexual feelings. To
understand yourself better, reflect on what
it is like for you to experience all of your
feelings such as happiness, sadness, anger,
anxiety, excitement, delight and sexual
feelings.
To strengthen
your connection to your feelings, take a
little bit of time during the day to listen
into yourself. Feel free to close your eyes
and just let your awareness rest internally.
Most people need to take a few moments, or
maybe a few minutes to let themselves become
aware if they are feeling any emotions at
that time. If you are not aware of any
feelings, check with yourself whether you
are feeling at ease or not. If you are
feeling uncomfortable, reflect on why this
may be the case. If you are aware of a
feeling, let yourself sit with it for a
while. You don't need to explain it or act
on it at that point in any way. Simply let
yourself be with it. To amplify the feeling
it can help to breath slowly and deeply as
if you are breathing air into the part of
your body where you can locate the feeling.
Or you can strengthen your connection to the
feeling by saying silently to yourself 'I am
feeling x', whatever x may be. Don't go off
further into your thoughts though, simply
keep repeating a simple statement to
yourself and let your awareness rest with
your body and the feeling you are
experiencing.
The exercise
above can be very powerful and potentially
take you to feelings that are not
comfortable. If you are experiencing
distress of any kind beyond your normal
abilities to manage feelings through this
exercise, consider getting help from a
counselor or psychotherapist to work things
through.
If you are
comfortable and feeling at ease when you are
doing this exercise, see what it is like to
do a few
Kegel exercises. These exercises let you
become aware of your pelvic floor and
genital area. What are the feelings you are
experiencing now? Let yourself sit with
whatever you are feeling for a little while,
and remember to smile when you are doing so
to make sure you are relaxing and
associating the sensations with joy.
14. Consider
having sex in the absence of great desire
Sometimes when we are not
driven by strong desire we can forget sex
exists and that it could be a nice way to
pass the time. If you are one of those
people, who forgets about sex, it can help
to be reminded by somebody else about it.
Next time your partner suggests it, why not
go along and see what it is like to have sex
without great desire. It's perfectly
possible that you get into the mood once you
get started. This can be true for many
women, who can forget about sex, but then
have a great time once somebody else reminds
them of it. You could also take the
opportunity to include whatever would get
you more aroused in your foreplay.
On the other hand, you may
also want to go along with your partner in
the absence of great desire so that he or
she has a good time. If you are not getting
physically aroused you can always opt for
oral sex or offer a helping hand. It is
possible that by the time your partner is
ready to explode you are also getting quite
turned on. You may not be able to
synchronize your orgasms this way, but a
good time can still be had by all, even if
you do not opt for an orgasm yourself.
15. Consider taking
zinc supplements
Zinc is important for the
balance of testosterone in the body.
Testosterone is the main male sex hormone,
which regulates sexual drive in men and
women (yes, women have testosterone in their
bodies too!). Generally speaking, higher
testosterone levels mean higher sex drive.
For testosterone to work in the body it
needs to attach itself to receptors in the
cell walls in our body. However,
testosterone competes with another compound
for space on these receptors, namely
estradiol. Once estradiol has locked onto a
receptor testosterone is excluded and cannot
work at this receptor site anymore. This is
where the zinc comes in: Zinc promotes the
enzyme, which breaks down estradiol, which
then results in more receptors being
available for testosterone. Therefore, more
zinc means more influence of testosterone on
the body and can mean higher sex drive.
And this is only one out
of a whole range of complex feedback
mechanisms between zinc and testosterone
action. Additional mechanisms mean that a
deficit in zinc can result in less sex
hormone circulating in the body, an
unfavorable metabolism of testosterone in
the liver and modified levels of
testosterone receptors, which can all result
in a decrease of the impact of testosterone.
If you do decide to try zinc food
supplements from a health shop, please
always stick to the instructions for it's
correct use by the manufacturer.
16. Acknowledge and
manage life changes
Our libido does not stay
the same throughout our life. Generally
speaking, people tend to experience their
strongest sexual desires as teenagers and
young adults. With age sexual desire tends
to decrease as a normal symptom of aging.
Additionally, life events can also greatly
impact our libido such as becoming a parent,
childbirth and breast feeding, or a
bereavement. The resulting fluctuations in
libido are normal. However, they may
generate disharmony in a relationship if
they do not affect both partners
simultaneously. Changes in libido due to big
life events need to be talked about and
managed within the relationship, so that
both partners feel understood and respected.
References:
Pertot, S. (2005) Perfectly
Normal. A Woman's Guide to Living with Low
Libido. Rodale
Leiblum,
S. and Rosen, R. (Eds.) (2000) Principles
and Practice of Sex Therapy. Third Edition,
The Guilford Press
Zilbergeld, B. (1999) The
New Male Sexuality. Revised edition, Bantam
Books
written by
Anna 9.12.07, updated 20.12.07
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