Let's assume you normally
have a good sex life with your partner, but
when he or she gets stressed or other
important things happen sex goes out of the
window. That is obviously sexually
frustrating. Additionally, you may also
start to feel quite insecure or angry about
the absence of sex and things can escalate
from then on. The following page contains
some tips as to how to manage the temporary
sex-less state.
First off, it is normal
that people go off sex some of the time. If
one is unwell, or stressed or stuff is not
right in your relationship it is easy to go
off sex. However, this may be difficult to
understand for somebody, who enjoys sex and
who uses sex to relax and unwind. Quite
often this is the partner, who has the
higher sex drive in a couple. Sex drive is
very variable between individuals and there
is no level of sex drive, which is 'the
norm'. To describe both partners in a couple
in a positive way when one wants more sex
than the other without implying a judgment,
sex therapists now use the terms 'high
desire' partner and 'low desire' partner.
These terms are meant to be neutral
and not imply that either the low desire
partner or the high desire partner is in the
wrong. You simply differ in terms of how
much sex you would like to have.
If you are concerned about
a temporary lack of sex, take some time to
reflect on what has happened. Are the two of
you particularly stressed just now? Have you
argued, or could something else be wrong in
the relationship? There might be stuff going
on for your partner at work, which he or she
hasn't told you about. If you don't know
what is going on, or you are only guessing,
you need to ask your partner directly. It is
much better to have some clear answers to
your question, then to ruminate about the
worst possibilities by yourself.
Find some time when you
are both relaxed and ask your partner what's
happened with your sex life just now. It is
important that you stay grounded and
rational and are able to listen to what your
partner is saying in a non-defensive way. Or
in ego state terms, stay in
adult ego state. Ask open ended
questions and suspend your judgment for now.
This is your time to get curious about what
is going on for your partner. The more
information you have the easier it will be
for you to address the issue. If you can,
box off or bracket your own frustration for
now. Your partner will probably not be
withholding sex, because he or she wants you
to be all frustrated, but because there is
something else going on. Once you have more
information, you can go away and reflect on
the issues he or she has mentioned.
Once you have more
information you can then evaluate what might
be the issue. Is it likely to be only
temporary? Will it most likely sort itself
out, e.g. your partner has a commitment at
work next month, which is very stressful and
takes up a lot of his energy just now. If
the answer is yes, this is most likely to be
just a temporary state, it might be best to
manage your frustration for now by
masturbating and finding other ways of being
close to your partner. Or is there anything
you need to do to help things be ok again?
The issue, which he or she
has talked about may have something to do
with where you are at in the relationship.
If that is the case reflect on whether what
your partner says sounds true or not. If it
is something he or she would like you to
address in yourself than make very effort to
do so unless it compromises your own
integrity. We all need to work on ourselves
in relationships and if it means more sex at
the end of it, then that's a real bonus.
Another important point is
that it is very easy for the high desire
partner to start feeling undesirable when
the other one doesn't want sex. Some people
tend to take the other person's withdrawal
very personal and end up feeling like there
is something wrong with them. There is no
need to take a 'no' to sex personal.
Whatever is happening between you might just
be about stress, or it may be about the
normal arguments that go on between couples.
None of that means he or she doesn't desire
you. It is important not to let your
anxiety take over.
It's very hard to stay
emotionally separate and grounded if there
is some disharmony between you. But it is
important that you can feel good about
yourself even if your partner feels the need
to withdraw for a while, which he or she
will do for his or her own internal reason.
Make sure that you feel all right within
yourself. This will allow for some emotional
space between the two of you, resulting
maybe in your partner feeling less pressure
to be sexual. This will make it easier for
him or her to reconnect with his or her own
sexuality and probably mean he or she comes
back to having sex with you again sooner.
Remember to stay grounded
and separate, so that if things get
stressful between you, you don't get lost in
your own anxieties, when actually things are
probably really good, just a bit tense for
now.
Useful
resources:
Zilbergeld,
Bernie (1999) The New Male Sexuality. Bantam
Press
