Psychosexual problems for men

Sexual aversion in men (including virginal aversion)

Related pages:

• Overview of sexual problems

• Overcoming vaginal aversion

Sexual aversion is most often seen in men who are virgins at the ripe old age of thirty or forty, though it can occur in men who are sexually active. It takes the form of an aversion to sex, or the sights, scents, or sounds of sex, or more specifically to the vagina. Needless to say it's a big problem for men who want a heterosexual sex life, and in my experience a number of men who are having sex with men are doing so because they actually have a sexual or vaginal aversion. (A number also do this because of their profound anger and hatred towards women, but this is a different matter.) By the way, Eva Margolies, in her book "Undressing The American Male", states that between one and two percent of adult men will live their adult life as heterosexual virgins (in other words, they are not celibate gay men).

To most heterosexual men, this may seem impossible to understand. Sex in general, and a woman's vagina in particular, are two of the most exciting things for most men, and the level of arousal that can be generated by the sight, scent or taste of a woman's most intimate and secret place is, well, shall we say, very powerful! So how can a man actually be averse to it, disgusted by it, even repelled by it? Just what is going on?

Sexual aversion - the older male virgin

First of all, this is a very challenging thing for most men to overcome, because our society has an expectation that men will lead, take the initiative, and generally instigate the courtship and sexual pathway a couple follow. The inexperienced man, perhaps one who has missed out on adolescent sexual experience, or who has acute social or sexual issues, is in no position to lead anyone anywhere. In fact, because of his acute shame, shyness, anxiety or embarrassment, he may avoid women altogether, thus failing to accumulate the social experience that might help him get friendly enough with a woman to leap over his sexual barriers.

Perhaps the most common cause of avoidance of sexual relationships with women is a low self-esteem; the irony is that it is a loving relationship with a supportive partner that would be most likely to help a man regain his self-esteem. With support and encouragement, it is possible for most men to find a partner, though it's fair to say that this becomes progressively more difficult as time goes by.

Some men who find themselves virgins later than they would like (whether this is in their twenties, thirties or forties) have personal problems which makes them socially awkward; others have grown up with parents who were very unhappy, and they then avoid women to prevent themselves repeating the errors which they saw their fathers making in relationships with women. It may take good therapy to make a man in this situation grasp that his life is different to his father's, and need not be a repetition of it. Another cause of late male virginity is hypersensitivity to rejection: a man who is profoundly impacted when he is criticized by women will avoid their company to keep his self-esteem intact. Again, this problem requires therapy which helps the man to develop emotional and psychological maturity so that he has both the sexual outlook of an adult male and the confidence to hold his own with a woman.

There is a group of men who simply don't get  in their adolescence the social or sexual experience they need to be confident with women, and they may opt to invest their time and energy in work, hobbies or other distractions later in life. In most cases, though, if these men are truly heterosexual, there will be a time when they decide that they want to catch up on the sexual experience they have missed, and they will generally be able to do this much more easily than the men who have deep sexual, social or psychological conflicts. Sure, they may have some wavering erections caused by nervousness, or a tendency to ejaculate too quickly, or even experience inhibited orgasm, but generally they will rapidly gain the experience necessary to make them successful sexual partners, able to please a woman.

But most male virgins over thirty do not find it so easy. According to Miriam Margolies, around one third are "paralyzed by shyness, lack of good social skills, and underlying feelings of inadequacy." Men like this are often free of sexual conflicts but this does not eliminate the weight of their social and emotional problems, sometimes so significant that they are recognizably "different" to most men, and perhaps even a little uncomfortable to be around. Indeed, without therapy, the years of experience necessary to gather the skills and confidence necessary to have a successful sexual relationship may be so great that men like this give up before they get there.

A larger number of late male virgins fall into one of two groups: either they are heterosexual, but have a large number of emotions, feelings and fears about women which are strong enough to prevent them pursuing a heterosexual relationship, or they are heterosexual with homosexual imprinting.

The heterosexual "late male virgin"

Let me explain. Many of the men in the first group are professionally or financially successful, but a little probing into their background soon reveals that these men have a lot of fear and anger towards women, emotions which originate in a problematic relationship with the man's mother early in life. Usually the mother falls into some well-defined categories: she may be an angry woman who subjected her son to criticism, or frequently discharged her anger towards him. And very often such a man has had other factors in his background which has exacerbated his lack of trust of women: he has been an only child, his father has been unsupportive or even hostile, he has no sisters, and his mother may even have died at a critical point in the boy's life.

Miriam Margolies observes that men like this tend to have very similar personality traits. They tend to be obsessed with the physical appearance of women; they are often cool and compliant on the outside, but a raging inferno of suppressed emotion on the inside; they show a marked tendency to control; and they have difficulty with not getting their way. You might see some of these characteristics as adolescent in nature, and this type of man does indeed tend to be stuck in an adolescent phase of development. But in addition to this, he has unconsciously avoided any chance to be sexual with a woman: ashamed though he may be about this, he is generally more terrified deep down about actually getting involved with a woman. He tends to rely very heavily on masturbation not just as a sexual outlet but also as a way of gaining emotional pleasure. And he may develop a particular form of masturbation which becomes especially important to him and effectively substitutes for arousal with a partner (such as rubbing his penis on a pillow or mattress). If you want to know more about one form of this condition, you can search for Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome on the internet.

Establishing a sexual life is not going to be easy for a man who has had years of imprinting with aversion to women in general or sex in particular, and all kinds of problems tend to emerge if he does become sexual. Obviously a lack of sexual skill is high on this list, but that can be changed with experience, education, and a sympathetic partner. There are some very good educational videos on the market now, including the Lovers' Guide series. Another common problem is anxiety around being hurt sexually: for example, these men are very protective of their genitals and often fear that their partner will hurt them. This does tend to take their attention away from the good feelings that sex can provide! There can also be problems with a lack of sensation during intercourse, an over-dependence on fantasy, and an inhibited orgasm, about which Anna has written elsewhere on this site. But the biggest potential problem is vaginal aversion: aversion to the smell, the look, the taste, the scent and the feel of the vagina. This, as you may well imagine, is something of a barrier to successful sex. This problem is explained in more detail here (follow the link), where some possible solutions are also offered.

The heterosexual "late male virgin" with homosexual  tendencies

There are several clues to identifying a man who falls into this group. At one end of the spectrum are men who are noticeably effeminate, so much so you might think they are gay (even though they are not). Somewhere else on the scale is the man who seems completely devoid of sexuality, often the result of the fact that he just does not feel attracted to women (which, as you may recall, is not always the case with men in the group described above). But in all cases, these men have recurrent homosexual fantasies, often alongside or alternating with heterosexual fantasies, but the homosexual imagery nearly always leads a man in this situation to believe he is gay.

So. What can produce such a man, who may not in reality be gay at all? The characteristic features of this man's background seem to include some or all of the following:

• a very close, symbiotic relationship with his mother

• a sexualized relationship with his mother

• an emotionally absent father or a physically absent father

• a passive or rejecting father

• a shy and awkward adolescence

It's not hard to see how these factors can work in the way we have described. When there is not father, or the bond with the father is inadequate, a mother may naturally turn to her son for closeness and comfort. But of course, as the boy gets older, he may well begin to resent this relationship. It is probably unhealthy anyway, for the mother's emotional well-being should never be dependent on her son, and he is certainly not going to be able to take his rightful place in the world if he grows up believing that his function is to make women emotionally whole. Furthermore, he may feel sexually attracted to her in indolence as a result of this close relationship: so how then is he to distance himself from the fact that he knows he should not want to go to bed with or feel sexually attracted to his mother? If the emotional boundaries between him and his mother are not strong, he may turn off his heterosexual feelings, and they may remain turned off for a very long time - sometimes for ever.

If in addition a boy does not get the right kind of attention from his father, then he may develop a desire for male approval and recognition which becomes eroticized, so that he feels sexually attracted to (often older) men. This can clearly lead to the development of homo-erotic fantasies.

The end result of all this, of course, is a man who is confused about where his sexual attractions lie, and who is damaged in his ability to engage in intimacy and choose an appropriate sexual partner. The blend of absent or rejecting father and sexualizing mother can make a boy's sexual journey through adolescence into manhood a traumatic and confusing one. If a man like this does get into a sexual relationship with a woman, he may become aware of very negative feelings towards women, often quite strong enough to prevent the relationship going any further. And even if he does become sexually active, he will almost certainly experience vaginal aversion, and in addition, he will almost certainly have a number of other problems to contend with:

• his lack of attraction to women may mean he does not get aroused by touching a woman's body

• he may not feel much during intercourse, because he does not allow himself to feel the "forbidden" pleasure of sex with a woman

• he does not allow himself to fantasize because of guilt about the homosexual nature of his fantasies

The best way for a man to deal with this situation is to accept his homosexual fantasies and, if possible, to enjoy them. By shutting them out, he will shut out a large part of his sexual self, and the simple fact is this: having homosexual fantasies does not mean a man is homosexual, nor does it mean he has to act on them! By combining sexual fantasy about men with actual sexual activity with a woman, such a man generally finds that his attitude to women and sex becomes more positive, and he gradually starts to enjoy sex more and more. But besides an understanding partner, some good therapy will always be helpful.

Written by Rod 20.12.07

All material copyright, ©2008 Sex And Relationships
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