Psychosexual problems for men

Vaginal aversion in men - and how to overcome it

Related pages:

• Overview of sexual problems

• Overcoming sexual aversion - the "late male virgin"

On another page, we discussed sexual aversion, and I explained how a man in his twenties, thirties or forties can find himself still a virgin, sometimes wondering if he is gay. Men in this position often have to contend with a profound aversion to the vagina: they simply don't like the smell, taste, sight or touch of their partner's vagina. Indeed, they may actually be repelled by it. So what on earth can be done about this? Not liking the vagina is a pretty serious obstacle to a good sex life!

Most sexually inhibited men have an aversion to the vagina which they need to overcome. Even if they never get rid of this aversion so completely that they can actually give a woman cunnilingus, they certainly need to be able to give their partner pleasure with their fingers. So that, perhaps, should be the first or even the main objective of any treatment for vaginal aversion.

Fortunately, if you are a man in this position, you can overcome vaginal aversion. The first thing to understand is that aversion signifies fear. Yes, you probably have, at some level, a fear of the vagina (or the woman to whom it is attached). So a major part of learning to be comfortable with the genitals of your partner is learning to control your anxiety, which may well blossom when you get near to your partner's vulva. First of all, read the section on this website on woman's sexual anatomy. That way, you know what you're dealing with! Next, as you work through the exercises below, only go as far as you can without feeling revulsion. If you don't get any lessening of the sense of being repelled after a few tries, you may want to consider seeing a professional sex therapist, for you may have a history of sexual abuse to uncover, and that's always best dealt with professionally.

As you will see, these exercises require a co-operative partner who is willing to go along with you in the process of developing greater comfort around her genitals. If she is reluctant to help, or she won't willingly take part in these exercises, you may want to try couples'; counseling to establish exactly what her - and your - feelings are towards sex, and more particularly, your relationship.

Exercise 1 - To be comfortable with the feel of the vagina on your fingers

Desensitization is simply a process where you approach the thing you fear gradually, and each time you feel your anxiety rising, you consciously relax until you are calm again. So, depending on how repelled by the touch and feel of the vagina you may be, you may wish to start with your hand resting on your partner's thigh, a greater or lesser distance from her naked vulva. Relax, and focus on a positive experience which is clear in your memory. This way, you associate the presence of the vagina near your hand with positive feelings. If you relax each time your anxiety begins to rise, you should fairly quickly find that your feelings of aversion become less strong.

Next, put your finger inside your partner's vagina and keep it there as long as you can without becoming uncomfortable. If you do feel uncomfortable, remove your finger and breathe deeply until you are relaxed again. You will find it easier to leave your finger inside your partner if you think of a relaxing scene and keep breathing deeply to prevent your anxiety rising. And, of course, you can repeat this process as often as necessary, and for as long as necessary, until you are quite relaxed about keeping your finger inside your partner. It may not even be necessary to feel positive about this - it may enough that you do not feel revulsion. Practicing about three times a week for up to an hour a time may be enough to bring about major changes in how you feel towards the vagina.

Exercise 2 - To be comfortable with the smell and taste of the vagina

Since smelling or tasting the vagina is likely to make you even less comfortable than touching the vagina, it will take longer to become relaxed about doing so. The best way to start is by taking a bath or shower together, so that you are certain that you are both clean around your genitals. Next, when you are relaxed and comfortable, you can put your finger inside your partner's vagina for a few moments before removing it and bringing it towards your nose. Bring your finger only as near your nose as you can tolerate, before you relax and allow any anxiety which may have developed to dissipate. There is no point trying to rush this - you need to do this at a speed you are comfortable with, and you need to make sure you don't reinforce your sense of disgust by trying to move too quickly. So only go as far as you can cope with. Relax, then repeat. Each time you may find that you can bring your finger closer to your nose.

The next step is to lick your finger and see what your partner's vagina tastes like. If you find that your anxiety rises dramatically, pause, relax, breathe deeply and get it back under control. Then repeat. Do this until you can smell and taste your finger without reacting with aversion.

Now, this may sound easy, but it requires commitment and dedication, and you have to really want to change the way you react to the scent and taste of your partner's vagina. It is this commitment which will motivate you to change your responses and to stick to the exercises when they become challenging.

The final step is to get used to the scent and taste of the vulva and vagina directly - by licking it. No matter how unacceptable this idea may currently sound to you, the reality is that the desensitization techniques described above will also work for you here. By relaxing each time your anxiety or feelings of revulsion rise, by taking the process one step at a time, and by doing this no faster than you are comfortable with, you will probably be able to reach a point where you can taste your partner's vulva directly, if you want to. You can start the process by lying with your head between your partner's legs, your face as close to her vulva as you wish, before you relax and lick her. Do this at your own pace. Each time you begin to feel aversion, back off, relax and calm down before you start again. If you use the process of desensitization gradually, you will be able to deal with your negative feelings and come to accept the taste and smell of the vagina as normal and natural, if not enjoyable.

You may find that with commitment, you can actually enjoy this kind of intimate connection with your partner. But if, after trying these anti-aversion techniques, you still have a feeling of revulsion, then it's probably worth getting professional sexual therapy. Perhaps for you, the objective isn't going to be about enjoying oral sex, but being able to make love pleasurably for you and your partner with hand or penis.

Written by Rod 20.12.07

All material copyright, ©2007 Sex And Relationships
Home Page Site Map