sex-and-relationships - sex problems - Retarded ejaculation

 

Psychosexual problems for men

Taking too long to ejaculate - retarded ejaculation

 

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First of all, this problem is really not as much fun as you might think. Men who struggle to ejaculate during sex can feel extremely frustrated and concerned about their condition, even though most men think it would be wonderful if they could last longer. Quite often men with this issue will be OK with ejaculating when they are masturbating on their own, but struggle to come during partner sex.

 

Sex therapists have given this type of psychosexual problem the very unfortunate name retarded ejaculation. This is a completely old fashioned and inappropriate name, so laugh about it rather than taking it personally! It simply means that some men achieve good, long-lasting erections but are unable to ejaculate with their partners. Another unfortunate name which this condition has attracted is "inhibited ejaculation". It's not a common complaint, especially compared to premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, although of course it is difficult if it happens to you! Retarded ejaculation has puzzled psychosexual therapists for a long time and no medical or psychological causes have ever been identified.

 

There are a few theories as to why some men don't ejaculate with their partners, but we aren't sure if any of them are correct. The old fashioned theory from early (female and feminist) sex therapists was that men were angry with women and were therefore withholding their orgasms. I hope everybody agrees with me that this is a very outdated and inappropriate explanation. Think of it this way: nowadays we wouldn't even consider that a woman who struggles to reach orgasm is angry with men and withholds something from them. So why should it be true in reverse? However, I've mentioned it here, just in case you still find some stuff written in that vein.

 

Bernhard Apfelbaum, a contemporary psychosexual therapist, has come up with a new explanation for the problem of retarded ejaculation. He suggests that some men have a greater level of autosexuality, which means that they are turned on most by their own stimulation. According to Apfelbaum, we are all on a sliding scale from hetero/bi/homosexual to autosexual. Most people will find that stimulating themselves hits the spot much better than when a partner does it. Only we ourselves will know exactly what feels best! Apfelbaum also states that this type of sexual preference is completely acceptable and that there isn't anything wrong with it, and I think he's right!

 

If we accept his theory about autosexuality, it would make sense that some men simply don't get turned on enough during sex with a partner to ejaculate. They may have an erection which is long lasting, but they may not actually feel very sexual. Given that autosexuality is an acceptable sexual preference like any other, men and their partners may need to accept that this is how it is and be OK with it. If so, it would make sense to include masturbation or manual stimulation in your sexual repertoire and explore other ways of making "partner sex" fun for both partners even if one of you doesn't ejaculate during it.

 

Another theory is that men who are unable to ejaculate have trained themselves to have an erection to please their partners and to "perform" for them, but that they are not really turned on and therefore don't ejaculate. I think another take on this theory is that a man may feel consciously or unconsciously that he needs to perform for his partner and that he gets so concerned about this that he forgets to connect with his own body and physical sensations, and therefore doesn't experience his sexual feelings completely.

 

If this is happening to you, ask yourself if you have ever experienced an orgasm through partner sex. If yes, and the problem has only set in later (maybe it's specific to just one partner?), it could point towards your lack of ejaculation having something to do with performance pressure. Female partners of men who struggle to ejaculate speak very highly of their sexual skills and are often very satisfied sexually. In which case, retarded ejaculation may only become an issue if a woman starts to feel insecure about her own desirability because her partner doesn't ejaculate (which is really her psychological issue, one that she needs to deal with), or she wants to conceive a child.

 

I would encourage any man with this issue to consider the possibility that he wants to orgasm more for his partner's sake than his own. This would mean that you're not really "letting go" into your own experience, but you're staying focused on your partner. (This can be true for both heterosexual and gay couples.) To have an orgasm you really need to stay connected with what you're experiencing and to let go into that experience. Basically, you need to be relaxed to allow an orgasm to take you over. Sex can easily become very pressured if you feel your body needs to perform in some specific way for your partner, rather than feeling you can let go, give yourself over to your own physical reactions, and see where that takes you! It may help if you can be clear with yourself that your partner can be responsible for her (or his) own sexual satisfaction and masturbate her or himself to orgasm if necessary. This means you can have your orgasm whenever your body goes for it, rather than delaying it till the other person is happy.

 

Another angle on this: get curious about how you deal with control in your life generally. Do you have a tendency to need to be in control? How are you with letting go? If you have problems with letting go in general, you could work on that through practicing relaxation exercises, meditation or getting massages. If you want to work on this with your partner, have a look at the sensate focus program on this web site. It's a way of learning how to let go with your partner without feeling pressured to perform sexually.

 

Maybe you could talk with your partner about the sensations that turn you on and maybe you can teach him or her how to stimulate you the way you want it. If you want more general ideas on developing your sexuality, I would recommend Bernie Zilbergeld's book The New Male Sexuality, published by Bantam Press. It's an excellent book on sex and relationships. And finally, if you find that nothing works for you, then why not consult a registered psychosexual therapist? They've been trained to deal with this issue and will be able to help you make sense of it.

 

Finally, retarded ejaculation can also be a symptom of an underlying medical condition such as depression, anxiety or diabetes. Some neurological conditions such as Parkinson's disease and multiple sclerosis first show up through the symptoms of retarded ejaculation, which can also develop during the later stages of these diseases. Various legal and illegal drugs can cause retarded ejaculation, too: these include alcohol, sedatives and some antihypertensive drugs. Another cause is spinal injury. As always, please consult a medical doctor even if you think you're in good health. Getting checked out will give you peace of mind that you don't have a medical problem that needs attention.


 

References:

Apfelbaum, B. (2001)  Retarded Ejaculation: A Much Misunderstood Syndrome. In Leiblum and Rosen (eds.) Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy. 3rd edition, Guilford Press.

 

Written by Anna 12.10.07, last edited 02.11.07

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