We know this condition
is a challenge, and
can cause misery to
both you and your
partner. It's actually
very common - about
one man in twelve
experiences it - yet
it seems to be
discussed very little,
and most doctors don't
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If you suffer from
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feel you inside her
for as long as
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Psychosexual
problems for men
Taking too
long to ejaculate - retarded ejaculation
First of all, this
problem is really not as much fun as you
might think. Men who struggle to ejaculate
during sex can feel extremely frustrated and
concerned about their condition, even though
most men think it would be wonderful if they
could last longer. Quite often men with
this issue will be OK with ejaculating when
they are masturbating on their own, but
struggle to come during partner sex.
Sex therapists have given
this type of psychosexual problem the very
unfortunate name retarded ejaculation. This is a completely
old fashioned and inappropriate name, so
don't take it personally! It simply means that some men achieve good,
long-lasting erections
but are unable
to ejaculate with their partners. Another
unfortunate name which this condition has
attracted is "inhibited ejaculation". It's
a surprisingly common complaint, especially
when
compared to rapid
orgasm in men or
erectile dysfunction;
it occurs in about one man in twelve.
Retarded ejaculation has puzzled
psychosexual therapists for a long time and
no clear medical or psychological causes have
really
been identified.
There are a few
theories as to why some men don't
ejaculate with their partners, but we aren't
sure if any of them are correct. The old fashioned
theory from early (female and feminist) sex
therapists was that men were angry with
women and were therefore withholding their
orgasms. I hope everybody agrees with me
that this is a very outdated and
inappropriate explanation. Think of it this
way: nowadays we
wouldn't even consider that a woman who
struggles to reach orgasm is angry with men and
withholds something from them. So why should
it be true in reverse? However, I've
mentioned it here, just in case you still find
some stuff written in that vein.
Bernhard Apfelbaum,
a contemporary psychosexual therapist, has
come up with a new explanation for the
problem of retarded ejaculation. He
suggests that some men have a greater level
of autosexuality, which means that
they are turned on most by their own
stimulation. According to Apfelbaum, we
are all on a sliding scale from
hetero/bi/homosexual to autosexual. Most
people will find that stimulating themselves
hits the spot much better than when
a partner does it. Only we ourselves will
know exactly what feels best! Apfelbaum also
states that this type of sexual preference
is completely acceptable and that there
isn't anything wrong with it, and I think
he's right.
If we accept his theory
about autosexuality, it would make sense
that
some men simply don't get turned on
enough during sex with a partner to ejaculate. They
may have an erection which is long lasting,
but they may not actually feel very sexual. Given
that autosexuality is an acceptable sexual
preference like any other, men
and their partners may need to accept that
this is how it is and be OK with it. If so, it would make sense to include
masturbation or manual stimulation in your
sexual repertoire and explore other ways of
making "partner sex" fun for both partners
even if one of you doesn't ejaculate
during it.
Another theory is that
men who are unable to ejaculate have
trained themselves to have an erection to
please their partners and to "perform" for
them, but that they are not really
turned on and therefore don't ejaculate.
I
think another take on this
theory is that a man may feel consciously
or unconsciously that he needs to perform
for his partner and that he gets so
concerned about this that he forgets to
connect with his own body and physical
sensations, and therefore doesn't experience
his sexual feelings completely.
If this is
happening to you, ask yourself if
you have
ever experienced an orgasm through partner
sex. If yes, and the problem has only set in
later (maybe it's specific to just one
partner?), it could point towards your lack
of ejaculation having something to do with
performance pressure. Female partners of men
who struggle to ejaculate speak very highly
of their sexual skills and are often very
satisfied sexually. In which case, retarded
ejaculation may only become an issue if a
woman starts to feel insecure about her own
desirability because her partner doesn't
ejaculate (which is really her
issue, one that she needs to deal with), or
she wants to conceive a child.
I would encourage any man
with this issue to consider the
possibility that he wants to orgasm
more for his partner's sake than his own.
This would mean that you're not really
"letting go" into your own experience, but
you're
staying focused on your partner. (This can
be true for both heterosexual and gay
couples.) To have an
orgasm you really need to stay connected
with what you're experiencing and to let go
into that experience. Basically, you need
to be relaxed to allow an orgasm to take you
over. Sex can easily become very pressured
if you feel your body needs to perform in
some specific way for your partner, rather
than feeling you can let go, give
yourself over to your own physical reactions,
and see where that takes you! It may help if
you can be clear with yourself that your
partner can be responsible for her (or his)
own sexual satisfaction and masturbate her
or himself to orgasm if necessary. This
means you can have your orgasm whenever your
body goes for it, rather than delaying it
till the other person is happy.
Another angle on this: get curious about how you deal with
control in your life generally. Do you have
a tendency to need to be in control? How are
you with letting go? If you have problems
with letting go in general, you could work
on that through
practicing
relaxation exercises, meditation or
getting massages. If you want to work on
this with your partner, have a look at the
sensate focus
program on this web site. It's a way of
learning how to let go with your partner
without feeling pressured to perform
sexually.
Maybe you could talk with
your partner about the sensations that turn
you on and maybe you can teach him or her
how to stimulate you the way you want it. If
you want more general ideas on developing
your sexuality, I would recommend Bernie
Zilbergeld's book The New Male Sexuality,
published by Bantam Press. It's an excellent book on sex
and relationships. And finally, if you find
that nothing works for you, then why not consult a
registered psychosexual therapist? They've
been trained to deal with this issue and
will be able to help you make sense
of it.
Finally, delayed
ejaculation can also be a symptom of an
underlying medical condition such as
depression, anxiety or diabetes. Some
neurological conditions such as Parkinson's
disease and multiple sclerosis first show up
through the symptoms of retarded
ejaculation, which can also develop during
the later stages of these
diseases. Various legal and illegal drugs
can cause retarded ejaculation, too: these
include alcohol, sedatives and some
antihypertensive drugs. Another cause is
spinal injury. As
always, please consult a medical doctor even
if you think you're in good
health. Getting checked out will give you peace
of mind that you don't have a medical
problem that needs attention.
References:
Apfelbaum, B. (2001) Retarded
Ejaculation: A Much Misunderstood Syndrome. In Leiblum and Rosen (eds.)
Principles and
Practice of Sex Therapy. 3rd edition,
Guilford Press.
