Solving
Sexual Problems
Sensate Focus
Other relevant pages:
Sensate Focus is one of the
main techniques used to cure sexual problems
without using medication. It is a gentle way
to improve a couple's sensuality and
spontaneity whether they experience sexual
difficulties or not. Sensate Focus was
developed by William Masters and Virginia
Johnson, who were key figures of psychosexual
therapy in the 1970s. As such this technique is
tried and tested and has benefited thousands
of couples. It is a behavioral program
which involves a couple completing homework
assignments in the form of structured
touching.
A Brief Introduction to
Sensate Focus
The basic idea is that a
couple sets a limit to their sexual contact
for a while, or whilst doing the exercises,
and take turns touching each other in
specific ways. For example, in the first
stage a couple will be asked to have one partner
experience touch and the other give
it for twenty minutes, before swapping over and doing another
twenty minutes.
The agreement at this stage
is
that touch is allowed all over the body, but
must not include the
genital regions and breasts. It is agreed
that sex does not go any further and that if
one or both partners get aroused, he
or she does not take things further. After several weeks of practice a
new limit can be set, such as
touching the sexual regions of the body, but
again no attempt at intercourse is allowed.
Aims of the technique
Sensate Focus works because it eliminates performance pressure for
both partners by setting a clear limit to
sexual behavior. It means that the man
involved (if it's not a lesbian couple) will not need
to become erect or turned on, or perform in
any other way, and the woman (if it's not a
gay couple) will not need to feel
aroused. The exercises give both partners
time to fully experience their bodies, to
listen to their physical sensations and to be playful and relaxed
with their partner, rather than feel
inadequate or worry about whether they are
going to perform or not or feel overwhelmed
in some way.
For the partner who is giving the touch,
Sensate Focus can mean freedom to
really explore the partner's body and to
develop a familiarity and sense of ease with
it. There is no pressure on him or her to
stimulate the partner to become more
aroused. A big part of the
exercises is for the receiving partner to
verbalize and tell the other how things feel
and how he or she wants to be touched. For
many people it is extremely difficult to
verbalize during sex what they would like
from each other. Sensate Focus allows people
to start communicating about their needs
whilst things are only getting sexual
gradually.
Sensate Focus is an ideal technique to
overcome performance pressure, anxiety, a
sense of disconnectedness with your body or
the impact of sexual trauma. It's used to deal with psychosexual problems such
as
sexual aversion, erectile problems in men
and problems with orgasm in men and women.
Sensate Focus can also be a great thing
to do when you want to develop your sex
life, even if there are no pressing issues
you need to attend to. It is a way of
enriching a couple's life and developing
greater intimacy and ability to communicate
desires.
Sensate Focus: The Exercises
Caution!
First off, Sensate Focus is a powerful
technique, which strictly speaking has been designed to be used while a couple is in
sex therapy. Although there isn't anything
dangerous about the exercises, a lot
of emotional stuff may come up between you
and your partner once you start on them.
Any
other issues which may be there in your
relationships - such as power dynamics or
the legacy of each
person's emotional history - may surface
when you start. Please assess whether your
relationship is strong enough to tolerate
the extra issues which may surface before
you attempt Sensate Focus with your partner!
If you have doubts, consider entering
couples therapy first, or seek out a
qualified psychosexual therapist. A
therapist
can guide you through Sensate Focus and act
as a resource and buffer for any
issues which may surface. You can find a
qualified practitioner via
The British
Association for Sexual and Relationship
Therapy or
AASECT in
the USA.
Ground
rules
-
A couple
needs to set specific ground rules for
Sensate Focus to work. These need to be
mutually agreed on and understood. If
the ground rules are not followed
Sensate Focus won't work!
-
During
the exercises there is a ban on sexual
intercourse and at the start also on
genital touching. If a partner gets
aroused, he or she can masturbate if
necessary after the Sensate Focus
session is completed, on his or her own.
No attempt should be made to involve the
partner in intercourse (i.e. please do not even ask!).
-
Set up time to do the exercises at least
twice weekly. Setting aside time without
stress or pressure to do other things is
essential. Start off by spending 20
minutes on the exercises, increasing to
60 minutes in total per session over the
next 4 weeks.
-
At the start do not talk during the
exercises, unless your partner's touch is
uncomfortable or painful and you need to
let him or her know. Do not have
conversations during the exercise about
other, unrelated matters, i.e. anything
that isn't happening just right now
between the two of you. Later you may
want to have the receiving
partner to verbalize how it feels being
touched, but again, stick with talking
about what is happening right here,
right now for you. Otherwise
conversations will distract you from your own
sensations.
-
It is
all about tuning into your own
experience rather than pleasing your
partner. The partner giving touch may want to
take time to explore and touch without
any intention to make the other person feel any
particular way. The emphasis is even
greater for the receiving partner: your
task is to take in the touch without
even trying to give anything back!
-
The
exercises are all about learning to stay
with your body and with yourself. If
that turns out to be quite difficult for
you, don't worry. This is all about
learning. Instead of getting worried,
approach difficulties with curiosity.
Isn't it interesting that you start
planning your shopping for the next day
when your partner strokes your back? Give yourself time to ponder what that
may mean, how you feel at that point,
and so on.
Sensate Focus Exercise Plan
Sensate Focus is laid out in a series of
stages, which slowly increases the intensity
of sexual touch. Stage 1 involves no sex and
no genital touching. Stage 2 includes
genital touching and starts to explore this
area more, however intercourse is still not
allowed. Stage 3 includes penetration, i.e.,
if a penis is involved it can now be placed
in a vagina if one happens to be around and
its
owner is happy with that. During this
stage, movement is slowly incorporated to
result in thrusting to orgasm.
With each stage really take your time!
Please do not rush through the program,
even if you feel you are OK with the
preceding stage. If you rush you may
encourage performance pressure, which
invalidates the whole project. If you move
on to the next stage and you feel it is too
difficult, simply come back to the previous
stage and practice some more. You can also
discuss with your partner after the exercise
is over how things are going and what may
have happened to make the next stage
difficult. Only move on to the next stage if
both of you agree!
If you are struggling
with the whole thing, consider
getting advice from a qualified therapist. Keep communicating with your partner after
the session is over about how the two of you
are doing with it.
Getting
started
Agree which partner will
be giving and which will be receiving to start with.
Set aside time to do the exercise. Make sure
you switch off the phones or prevent other
interruptions. When you are doing the
exercise, do the exercise and nothing else.
Make yourself comfortable in your bedroom or
elsewhere, ensuring the temperature is
warm enough and you have plenty of space,
and
maybe cushions, etc. You could turn down the
lights to set the tone but I would suggest not
having
music, so you don't drift off listening
to it but can stay focused on the
"here and now" experience. You will need a
clock somewhere within reach to watch the
time. Both partners start without clothes
on, however if that feels too challenging, start with as few clothes on as feels
OK to you. Include an extra stage at the start
to get familiar with being naked.
Stage 1
This involves being naked
and touching, but
without touching the genitals or breasts and
without proceeding to intercourse.
Take turns in
each session.
The first person to receive
lies down, facing up or down is OK. Your job is to
attend to
your emotions and
physical sensations as your partner touches
you. Concentrate as much as you can on what
you're experiencing. If your mind wonders,
simply bring yourself and your awareness
back into the room and onto your body.
Concentrate on how it feels to be the
passive one
The giving partner's job is to slowly
explore the other's body, avoiding breasts
and genitals and avoiding trying to give
pleasure deliberately. Stick with how you
want to touch the other person for now. Concentrate on how it
feels to touch and be the active one.
Continue with these sessions for at least
2 weeks, until you spend 60 minutes per
session, or 30 minutes each giving and
receiving. You should feel relaxed with a
growing sense of trust and familiarity at
the end of that period. If
you need more time at this level, stay with
it as long as you need to. If you feel there
are barriers for you to move on, consult
with a psychotherapist or psychosexual
counselor.
Once you both feel
comfortable with this and have agreed to move on, you can include touching breasts
and experiment with a
variety of touches, for example using oils
or powder, or different fabrics. Spend as
much time as you need on this level until
both of you feel relaxed and present.
Once you are both comfortable and you've
agreed once more to move on, include the option for the
receiving partner to make requests for a
preferred type of touch. If you are not good
at making requests, this is the time to
practice!
You can also include turning over, so both
sides of each person's body is involved in
the exercise. You can include guiding
the other partner's hand to show the touch
you want. Again, no genital touching and no
progression to intercourse!
If you
verbalize
what you are experiencing as the
receiving partner, stick with what is going
on right now, right here. Take plenty of
time on this level. I would recommend at
least 3 weeks, or a minimum of 6 sessions. This level includes all the main features of
good sex later on: no pressure, enjoying
your sensations, telling your partner what
you want and guiding him or her physically.
This level is essential so don't move on
until both of you are ready to do so.
Stage 2
Maintain the
"no intercourse" rule!
Continue your exercises as before, but
include genital touching. There are now no
"forbidden" areas on the body. For touching
the genitals of a woman please make sure you
are using some kind of lubricant or oil if
she wants it.
Otherwise touch may be experienced as
uncomfortable. The same may be true for men.
Take as much time as you need to get
comfortable and relax at this stage. For the
giving partner it is important that the aim
here is about exploration, not pleasing your
partner. And remember to still mainly focus
on the other's whole body, not just their
genitals.
Once you are both comfortable and ready
to move on again, start to concentrate more on the
genitals. You can play with different types
of touch, pressure and friction, and explore
different areas. The receiving partner will concentrate on the different sensations
created through being touched. Spend as much
time as you need on this level until both of
you feel relaxed and present.
At the end of this stage there is the
option to go for mutual masturbation to
orgasm. If you are both ready to do so,
agree this option before the start of your
exercise. However, keep
in mind that each one of you is responsible
for his or her own orgasm (i.e. it's not
about one person having to give the other an
orgasm!).
To reinforce this
point, I would suggest that you start off
with each person masturbating themselves to
orgasm in the other's company. It is
essential for the performance pressure not
to come back and for you to know that your
partner can and will satisfy him or herself
if they want and need to. Spend as much time
as you need on this level until both of you
feel relaxed and present.
Stage 3
Continue with all of the above, plus
stick with the "ban" on intercourse. The next
step is about entering into the vagina
without further movement. Or in other words
about "containment" without further pressure.
This is a really important step for men with
erectile problems or premature ejaculation.
Do take your time with this step and stick
with the no-movement, no-thrusting idea.
For homosexual
couples this stage needs to be altered to
include intromission of other objects, or
entering into the mouth or anus as desired,
or holding the genitals against the body of
the partner - for example a man may place
his penis between the buttocks of his
partner . This can
also be a useful idea for heterosexual
couples, as a lot of the time heterosexual
couples can get stuck on the "penis-in-vagina" routine.
Feel free to
negotiate inclusion of oral contact with
genitals or the use of sex toys at this stage.
However, again stick with the "no movement"
rule. The aim here is not to get aroused and
have an orgasm, but to experience and
experiment. Do not proceed to full
intercourse. Spend as much time as you need
on this level until both of you feel relaxed
and present.
Finally, include some movement when the penis is in the vagina. You can
include gentle thrusting and rotating
movements. Keep your focus on your own
sensations. Do not take responsibility for
your partner's level of arousal. Again, he
or she can ask for what they need or may masturbate to orgasm if
that is what they want. As you get more
comfortable at this stage you can include
stronger movement.
Once you are
both comfortable at the lower levels, the
ban on full intercourse is lifted. However,
please do not now forget all you have
learned and go back to the sexual routine
you had previously! Stay with your
sensations and your own arousal.
Communicate
with your partner as to what you want and
satisfy yourself if you need to. Each
partner has responsibility for their own
arousal and orgasm. Although this ends
Sensate Focus, you could agree as a couple
to occasionally go back to earlier stages in
the process to do refresher sessions.
Final points
about Sensate Focus
As already mentioned above, Sensate Focus is
an extremely powerful technique. It will
bring out any relational difficulties there
may be within your relationship. It needs to
be treated with respect and dedication. Any
problems which arise through it or as a
result of trying to implement it are part of
what is going on in your relationship. Take
time to negotiate and talk about the various
issues and get professional help if you need
to. Most of all, enjoy yourselves!
Dealing with men and
women's
sexual problems
Sensate Focus finds a
place in many treatments for sexual
problems, including the following.
Difficulty in Reaching
Orgasm
If you're a woman who has trouble
reaching orgasm during sex or masturbation
and you'd like to be more orgasmic, more
easily, there is an informative
website which can explain how to
become fully orgasmic. With the program
set out on that site, you can easily learn
to achieve orgasms. A similar condition which affects men
is known as male orgasmic disorder or
sometimes delayed ejaculation; it refers to
problems in reaching orgasm,
and not being able to ejaculate, which can
leave both a man and his partner
frustrated and sexually unsatisfied.
You can find a cure for
delayed ejaculation, which should enable
a man to ejaculate normally during
sex within a few weeks.
Premature Ejaculation
Complete control of ejaculation is
unfortunately rather uncommon, and men with a rapid
ejaculation problem could get much greater pleasure and
satisfaction from sex by using the self-help
exercises described on the website
how to
last longer in bed. You can develop
complete ejaculatory control quite easily
with a series of exercises over a few weeks
with the help of your partner.
Erectile Dysfunction
Erectile dysfunction can be
a major problem for a romantic relationship,
as it strikes at the heart of almost any couple's
sex life. Happily in most cases there is a
cure, and this
website will show you how to
solve your erectile dysfunction and become a
potent lover
once again.
References:
Francoeur, R. (1995) The Complete
Dictionary of Sexology. New expanded
edition. Continuum: New York
Masters, W., Johnson, V. (1970) Human
Sexual Inadequacy. Boston: Little Brown
Tomlinson, J. (1999) ABC of Sexual
Health. BMJ Books
Zilbergeld, B. (1999) The New Male
Sexuality. Revised edition. Bantam
written by Anna, 17.02.07
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