What is the difference between the
expressions "having sex" and "making love"?
I think a man is more likely to talk of
having sex, even when he's referring to
intercourse with his regular partner, and
even when he's in love with her. (Though he
certainly won't mind asking her "Would you
like to make love?" if it means he can have
sex!) Does this reflect something about the
relative importance of sex as a symbol of
love for men compared to women? I'd say it
does: at some level, men are always looking
out for sexual opportunities, even if that
is just the opportunity for a fantasy.
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As a generalization I'd suggest that even
though most men would probably prefer sex
with a loving partner, they still take the
view that all sex is worth having: it may be
great, it may be good, it may even be bad,
but it's still sex, and sex is a subject of
perennial interest to men which can be quite
separate from their feelings of love for a
partner. Having said that, I also need to
acknowledge that men can and often do commit
sexually to one partner; nevertheless, men
can generally enjoy sex even if they're not
in love or in a relationship with the woman
in bed with them. The question is whether
the same is true for women. And I think
another generalization applies here: women
are less willing to engage in sex outside of
a relationship than men, since they tend to
see sex more as an expression of love and
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impossible to discuss in a generalized way
how men and women differ in their views
about sex without just talking in clichés.
It's certainly astounding for most women
that men are often so taken with sex (to
avoid using the word "obsessed"; and, by the
way, not all
men are actually that keen on sex).
Somehow I think that's really endearing.
It's wonderful how (most) men seem eternally
drawn to women (or to another human being)
to fulfill their potential. However, both
genders seem to be stuck in their own ways:
men seem to be going for quantity not
quality in sex, probably based on the
rationale of choosing bad sex rather than no
sex, and women seem perpetually stressed
about being too sexual or not sexual enough,
while generally losing touch with their own
big unmentionable - the so-called elephant
in the room - for a lot of couples is
premature ejaculation. And yet the
surprising thing is that it is comparatively
easy to control.
Now, the obvious fact is that it takes two people to have intercourse, so if two people are in bed together and they're not "in love" or in an emotionally committed relationship, several things might be happening. The man might have lied, convincing the woman he "loves" her, so as to get her to have sex with him; the woman might be already be in love and having sex so as to try and get him to fall in love with her; men and women might be just as interested in casual sex; or a small number of women who enjoy sex with a lot of men might be providing a much larger number of men with the opportunity for casual sex.
I think we need to make more
space for sex outside of "love" and for that
to be OK, especially with women.
Sometimes sex is about lust, or comfort, or
closeness, or experimenting, or really
feeling oneself to be alive. I think sex can
be great without love, but less so without
respect or sexual attraction. By the way
I hate seeing women portrayed in an
idealized, romanticized and kind of fluffy,
ethereal and sickly-sweetish kind of way.
Women are real people too.
The statistics on this are interesting. In surveys men generally claim to have had many more sexual partners than women in their lives.
The 2004 Durex survey of human sexuality is very typical in this respect.
People in the UK and US claim an average of 10.3 lifetime sexual partners
Men claim to have had more sexual partners than women:
12.4 compared to 7.2
How can this be? Are the men exaggerating, or are the women claiming fewer partners than they have actually had? Or are a small number of women having sex with a huge number of men?
The answer to the question "How many sexual partners have you had?" appears to depend on how you ask the question!
When women are given the opportunity to complete surveys on their sexual behavior in privacy and with complete anonymity and confidentiality, the average number of partners they claim goes up significantly!Allowing for some male exaggeration, a characteristic with which most women might claim some familiarity, the differences in
sexual behavior, at least in terms of numbers of partners, then become non-existent! (And, by the way, at least in this study, the number of partners women reported went up to match the number reported by men.)
But this does not, of course, provide any answers to the question of whether men tend to see sex more as a source of physical pleasure while women see it more as an expression of love. I'd still maintain, on the basis of the language I hear in common usage (i.e. women speaking more of "making love", that this might be so). But, you may ask, does it matter?
Well, I think there are some ways in which it matters very much. In my eyes, the internet is a bit short on pictures of lovemaking. There's no shortage of porn sites, but there aren't many sites with pictures of loving couples enjoying sexual intercourse. Many of the women in porn are reluctant participants, doing it out of economic necessity or because they are coerced into it. And a high percentage of porn sites depict coercive sex or the oppression and abuse of women. At the very least, many of them represent the exploitation of women for sexual pleasure by men. For any teenage boy (and many men) who has ready access to such images, there is, I think, the danger that he may incorporate some harmful ideas about sex into his sexual psyche: like, for example, women are there to provide him with a sexual outlet; as he picks up this message, he fails to counterbalance it with any role models of men and women enjoying the physical expression of their love.
that, the internet has also provide women
with a fantastic new source for sexual
information and expression. Additionally,
some women have used the publishing power of
the internet to develop their own version of
porn on the net, done by women and
controlled by the women themselves.
Our images of sex positions
We have taken some trouble to provide images of lovemaking rather than just sex. All our
photographs depict real-life, committed couples who have agreed to appear in these images to celebrate their sexual relationship, and to
provide some information and education for others who need a bit of help in the bedroom. Sometimes it isn't easy to talk about these things
with your partner, and looking at a website can be a helpful step in gaining the knowledge you need to make your love life better.
The latest sex positions site which we support is
this one, which adds some extra fun to the
whole process of looking at photos of couple
having sex by offering to try and interpret
your sexual preferences in the light of your
personality! Whether or not this has any
validity is open to question, but you can
certainly try the quiz and see if the
results - which purport to be your best sex
position - mean anything to you!
important part for me in our choice of
pictures is that the women involved in them
felt they had a choice about taking
part and that they are portrayed as equal
partners to men. It's OK for these images to
be explicitly sexual, as women are sexual
beings too. I hope they will help you to set
your sexual potential free.
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