A sexual fantasy is a
sexual experience you have in your imagination. This
might be a pleasant memory of a
sexual experience you once had, or it
might be a daydream about a sexual
experience you'd like to have. Some
fantasies turn you on while you think about
them, but you know you wouldn't actually
enjoy the same thing in real life. Sexual
fantasies can be simple or elaborate, with
sounds and sensations, and sometimes even
involve an elaborate storyline or plot.
Are sexual fantasies
normal?
Yes! Most people have sexual
fantasies. They are a normal part of human
sexuality. It is important to remember
that a fantasy is just that:
fantasy, not reality. Therefore, it
is a safe and - hopefully - enjoyable thing to do. You
don't break the law and
you are not being unfaithful when you enjoy a
sexual fantasy. Your fantasy world
inside your head is your own and it can be
as extravagant as you wish.
Most people are very clear
about fantasy being different from reality,
because it's a basic distinction learned in
childhood which we don't suddenly
forget about. This is why it's OK to
fantasize about whatever turns you on: you
know it's a fantasy! Most people would never
want to live their fantasies in the real
world, simply because what they imagine
wouldn't actually turn them on in reality.
Sometimes it's the forbidden nature of our
fantasies that make them sexy. Whatever
you fantasize about does not necessarily
reflect your overall sexual urges. For
example, many people have homoerotic
fantasies, but this fact does not make them
homosexual. It simply means playing about
with homoerotic material in their heads
excites them as a fantasy.
Why are sexual fantasies
important?
Sexual fantasies are an
important part of a rich sex life. They
provide extra stimulation and pleasure
during masturbation or sexual play with your
partner. Fantasy is
also an important aspect of sexual arousal
and desire for sex. Sexual fantasy can improve your
sex drive and help with
lack of sexual arousal. For some people, sexual fantasies
are important in helping them to achieve an orgasm.
And, last but not least, developing your
ability to engage in sexual fantasy often
forms part of sexual growth
programs or psychosexual therapy (see
the books by Heimann and LoPiccolo and Zilbergeld
listed below for more information on this
point).
If you want to
get better at having sexual fantasies, or
feel more relaxed about them, it might help
if you start by reading up on
other people's fantasies. Why not have a look at the fantasy
collections by Nancy Friday? Her first two
books, "My Secret Garden" and "Forbidden
Flowers" are collections of material from
the 1970s and
80s, whereas "Women on Top" is a newer
collection of women's fantasies. "Men in
Love" is a collection of men's sexual
fantasies, highly recommended to all women,
because it gives a real sense of men's
devotion to women:
Nancy Friday, 2001, My
Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies
Nancy Friday, 2003,
Forbidden Flower's: More Women's Sexual
Fantasies
Nancy Friday, 2003, Men
in Love
Nancy Friday, 2003,
Women on Top
Nancy Friday's material all
originates from the USA, so may not be
first choice of reading for everyone. A
collection of material from the UK is:
Kerri Sharp, The Black
Lace Book of Women's Sexual Fantasies
(published by Black Lace)
What if you or your
partner want to act out your fantasies in
real life?
For some people acting out
fantasies is a great turn on, especially if
they can share this with their lover. However,
keep in mind that what's fun in fantasy may not be
much fun in real life! By the way, it's fine
if you want to keep this stuff in your head
and never act it out.
If you are considering
acting out your fantasy take some time to
think about the following questions:
Does it involve one
or more consenting adults? If
"yes",
living out your fantasy becomes an option;
if "no", please leave your fantasy in your
head.
Does it involve harm
to yourself or others? Most
fantasies don't involve direct harm, but
may involve indirectly hurting someone,
for example by being unfaithful. You'll
want to consider the long term consequences of
living out your fantasy in such cases.
Do you feel like you
are able to make a choice about your
behavior, or do you feel compelled to
act on your fantasy? If you feel
there's an element of compulsion to your
behavior, you might want to think rather
more about what's going on for you.
Sexuality is about freedom, not
compulsion. You can always contact a
psychosexual psychotherapist if you feel uneasy about your sexual urges
or experience a lack of control over
them.
So what if your lover is
interested in living out a fantasy with you,
but you're not so sure?
First of all,
it's OK to say "no". Just because he or she
gets turned on by a fantasy doesn't mean you'll enjoy it
in real life. You can have a really good
sex life without living out your partner's
fantasies. In other words, whatever the other person
proposes needs to feel right to you.
Please don't just go along
with it all for their sake.
However, on the other hand,
you may like the idea, but only in fantasy.
You could then have your "normal" sex, while both of you pretend you're
doing
something different. Doing it this way may be a lot more sexy
than doing it for real. This may
apply to fantasies like imagining your lover
is having sex with someone else. Many
couples have a very good time pretending
they are strangers to each other, or
calling each other different names during
sex, as Zilbergeld explains in his book.
Some couples
live out their fantasies together,
which may make for a passionate and rich sex
life. If you do this, remember you have the
option to quit at any point if you are
getting uncomfortable, for example by using a
"safe word" which means "Stop, RIGHT NOW!".
And if you do act out your fantasies, it's
also a good idea to keep right on having sex
in other ways too. Variety is important!
Can fantasizing be
dangerous?
No, not really. Just
remember it's all fantasy, not reality.
Whatever you're fantasizing about is not
real. You don't have to act on your fantasy.
As long as you don't act on it, nothing will
happen in the real world.
So next time
you start getting stressed about the minor
irritations of life, have a sexual fantasy
instead!
However, you may find that
your fantasies become more interesting than
your real sex life. It may be possible to
get over-involved with sexual fantasies in
extreme circumstances, just like it is
possible to get addicted on pornography. In
that case, put effort into dealing with your
real life issues rather than allowing
yourself to escape into a fantasy world all
the time.
References:
Francoeur, R.
(ed.) (1995) The Complete Dictionary of
Sexology. Continuum Press
Heimann, J.R.,
LoPiccolo, J. (1988) Becoming Orgasmic. A
Sexual and personal Growth Programme for
Women. Piatkus
Zilbergeld, B.
(1999) The New Male Sexuality. Bantam Press
