Living Your Sexual Fantasies
in Real Life - Yes or No?
This
page discusses issues around living out
sexual fantasies in the real world. If you
are wondering if and how to make your sexual
fantasies a reality please read on.
Related Pages:
It
is a very interesting question as to whether
to attempt to live ones sexual fantasies in
the real world and if so, to what extent. Or
are fantasies
best
kept as just that, fantasies?
Many people nowadays have access to the
internet in the privacy of their own homes
and will use it to access sexually explicit
materials. However, for most people watching
porn whilst masturbating alone isn’t quite
as satisfying as having sex with a partner.
Therefore, people will often continue to
look for new or more stimulating porn to
make up for the gap.
Sexual fantasy is a normal part of the human
sexual experience. It doesn’t cost anything,
doesn’t make you fat and isn’t illegal, so
why not indulge? On the other hand, sexual
fantasy can become a problem if it keeps you
away from living life or getting close to a
partner in the real world.
The internet offers a wide variety of sexual
fantasies in text, pictures and video clips
and it is easy to continuously browse and
experiment with different genres. Often,
people may hone in on a specific type of
pornography which arouses them most and they
may then continue to look for more intensely
arousing scenarios within this category
thereby developing
their favorite sexual fantasies.
A rich fantasy
life can contributed to ones sex life in a
positive way.
Some fantasies clearly are fantasies and
their owners know that they would never like
to put them into action in the real world,
for example, fantasies that are physically
impossible, potentially dangerous or
exploitative or just simply impractical.
Also, you may like the private nature of
your fantasies and know that the real thing
would never be as good as what you are
imagining. You may not have not wish to
share your personal fantasies with anyone else
and rather want to keep them all for
yourself. On
the other hand you may be really keen on a
specific scenario and you would love to live
it in reality with your partner.
Step 1
: Should you tell your partner?
A
fantasy is probably very important to you
if you want to take steps to bring it into
your real life with your partner. Telling
your partner about your fantasy and asking
them to live it with you may be quite a big
risk to take and your partner may not
reacted positively to it. Ideally your
partner would find living your fantasies as
exciting as you do.
Before
deciding to talk to your partner about your
ideas it is important that you consider
whether you would truly like to bring your
fantasy into the real world. What if your
fantasy isn't as arousing as you thought it
would be? What if sharing your fantasy means
it doesn't work for you any more as a
fantasy? If you are going to ask your
partner to get involved in your fantasy, do
you think you are prepared to get involved
in theirs? How important is this fantasy to
you? Would you feel you had missed out in
life if you would never try it in real life?
Give yourself time to ponder these
questions.
Once you are
sure that you want to try and live your
fantasy in some way and you are considering
approaching your partner about it, imagine
what it would be like to tell him or her
about it. Really let yourself imagine what
it might be like. What would you expect your
partner to say or do? How could you best
tell them about it? One strategy might be to
develop your way of
talking with each other in general and
then to introduce the idea of sexual
fantasies slowly. Or you could mention
something during sex whilst you are both
aroused, but not expecting your partner to
act on it there and then (unless of course
they spontaneously want to do so).
You may need
to consider what the worst case scenario is
in terms of possible reactions from your
partner. Would you feel completely rejected
if s/he said no or were really negative
about it? How would you manage their
reaction emotionally? What if it really
tested your relationship? On the other hand,
you may also feel very concerned about your
partner's reaction, when actually he or she
is much more open minded and relaxed about
the issue then you thought.
If your partner is interested in living your
fantasy with you, it might be important to
consider why they are? Does s/he
enjoy your or his/her own arousal, or does s/he simply
comply with your fantasies for your sake, to
indulge you? What are his/her own sexual
fantasies? Do you feel your partner is free
to say no, or is there a
potential that s/he is consenting to your
fantasies because s/he feels s/he can't
refuse you rather than for
his/her own enjoyment. If your partner
doesn't really want to participate, but
still goes ahead and does so for your sake
it probably will create serious problems in
your relationship later on.
If you are
not sure about how your partner will react
you may still need to get
to know him/her better as a person. It is
important to build up
companionship, love and trust which then
allows people to explore their sexual
potential with each other.
Thirdly, sexual patterns only remain fun
when you feel you have options and choices,
otherwise sexual behaviors can become
compulsive and driven. It is important that
you develop all of your sexuality, especially your
sensuality. It might be easy
to get too focused on just one type
of sexual experience, the one that is
connected with your fantasy. How about
spreading out and experimenting with other
sexual experiences with your partner?
Additionally, it may be worth developing
your sensuality, your physical experience of
sexuality and your closeness with your
partner during sex. Sexual fantasy is all
very well, but it happens in ones head.
Sexuality does not just involve your brain,
but all of the rest of your body. It
involves being able to be truly present with
your partner and experiencing your body
fully. How are you doing with an embodied
experience of sexuality?
Having considered all the above points you
may have decided to go ahead with telling
your partner about your fantasy. Hopefully,
he or she will react positively. Taking such
a risk will be much easier if your
relationship is overall healthy and your
partner feels that he or she is getting a
lot of positives from you in general. You
could introduce the idea of sexual fantasies
in small steps if you are not sure how your
partner will react, for example by talking
about sexual fantasies in general first,
asking them about their fantasies or giving
him or her a book on sexual fantasies.
Also, I would suggest that you are prepared
to hear that your partner doesn't want to
actively participate in your fantasies. That
is also ok. However, you may be able to
enjoy living your fantasies more knowing
that you can indulge in them by yourself but
with your partner's knowledge and
acceptance.
Having said all that, there is also
the real possibility that your partner will
be very enthusiastic about your fantasies
and introduce you to some of their own!
Step 2: What if
your fantasy involves other people as well
as your
partner?
What if you
have disclosed your fantasies to your
partner and he or she has been positive
about them. You have been enjoying good
times together and you are now feeling you
want to go expand on your fantasy. Often
fantasies involve another person beyond your
immediate partner or maybe even more
than one. Should you go that one step
further?
If you
want to go ahead with
your fantasies and involve other people in
them apart from you and your partner, here are
some things that you need to consider before
going ahead. These considerations could act
like a ‘risk assessment’ for what you are
planning to do, so that you do not just rush
into something, but you fully consider the
positive and negative consequences of your
actions.
Firstly, really consider how it might affect
you if the fantasy scenario does get acted
out in reality. What are the positive and
negative consequences that could result from
it for you? May it impact your self esteem
as a lover in some way? What would it be
like for you if your partner finds
other people much more attractive? What if you
don’t end up liking it? However, you may
also need to consider the impact of not
living out your fantasies fully. Would you
feel forever disappointed?
Secondly, your partner. Check with her or
him what their intent is behind getting or
continuing to be involved in the fantasy at
this stage. Is s/he doing it just
for you or does s/he find the prospect of sex
in this way exciting too? Talk with him or her
about what s/he will feel like being sexual
in this way. How might s/he feel about him
or herself and his or her body afterwards? What about
the practicalities involved for your partner
in making the fantasy a reality?
Thirdly, consider any consequences that you
could see arising out of it for your
relationship. What if you end up feeling jealous
and angry with your partner? What if you do not
actually like the reality of acting out the
fantasy and it destroys your
relationship? Will it get in the way of you
getting to know each other and loving each
other outside of your sexual life or will it
bring you closer? What if your partner falls in
love with some one else he or she meets
through the fantasy scenario?
Finally, I believe it is also important to
consider general risks. How will you and
your partner
protect yourselves from sexually
transmitted diseases? Using a condom would
be paramount in keeping your
physical health protected. Moreover,
consider risks from exposure. What would
happen if your family found out because
someone else has talked about being involved
in your fantasy (or is trying to blackmail
you)? We are all part of communities so this kind of exposure
could be a serious risk for you. However,
you may be able to minimize this risk
through the use of well run websites and by
connecting with likeminded couples and
individuals, who also need you to be
discreet.
None of these issues are insurmountable,
however, they need considering. Spend time
with your partner talking about all these issues so that
you develop enough trust between the two of
you to manage the risks together. Living
your fantasies together might be immensely arousing to
both of you and could therefore be what
keeps your relationship alive and full of
passion or it could be a great risk to your
marriage. Some forethought and careful
consideration can help you to make the
experience enjoyable and help to minimize
risks.
written by
Anna 1.4.09 |
