Safer Sex: Negotiating Condom Use
Related
Pages:
Information on condoms
and STDs
Unfortunately, sex isn't completely risk
free. As you will be aware of, having
unprotected oral or penetrative sex with a
partner carries the risk of acquiring a
sexually transmitted
disease or STD with it, as well as the
risk of acquiring other illnesses and
possibly pregnancy. Even one brief contact
with an infected partner means that you
could be endangering your health through
developing HIV/AIDS or another, much less
damaging but nonetheless incurable
infections such as herpes or genital warts.
Many sexually transmitted diseases can be
cured today, some with a simple dose of
antibiotics, if you do have access to health
care that is. However, even these manageable
diseases are uncomfortable, may or may not
be curable quickly and will necessitate a
visit to a specialist clinic as well as
difficult conversations with your partner.
Prevention is
much better than cure, especially as cure
isn't always an option. As a human being we
believe that you have the right to a freely
chosen and enjoyable sex life with whoever
your adult, consenting sex partner may be.
However, sex also comes with a set of
responsibilities and one of them is to
protect your own and your partner's health
from sexually transmitted diseases.
Unfortunately, it is also not as simple as
saying that you are in a long-term committed
relationship and therefore STDs are not an
issue for you. Did you get yourself tested
for STDs before you started this
relationship? Did your partner get tested?
Some STDs do not produce symptoms in some
people. People, carrying the HIV virus may
look and feel perfectly healthy for a long
time. Also, some people do engage in sexual
contacts outside of their main long-term
relationship. If you are one of these
people, then at least be so considerate as
to engage in safer sex so that you do not
endanger your own health and that of your
long-term partner.
Any sexual contact, which
involves an exchange of body fluids via
mucous membranes such as oral, vaginal or
anal sex carries the risk of infection. To
keep yourself and your partner safe you can
either a) avoid oral and penetrative sex and
opt for masturbation or mutual masturbation
instead or b) use a condom. If you feel a
condom would spoil sex for you, please
consider how much an STD would spoil things
for you!
Please read our page on
safe sex and
condoms to get more information on how
to use a condom properly and which ones to
buy. Whether you are a man or a woman, it
makes sense to always have a condom with
you, even though you may think you will
never be in a position to use it, unless you
are fully committed to complete abstinence
or a very long-term relationship. Be
prepared and know how to use a condom,
rather then end up feeling out of your depth
in the moment and then worrying about
illnesses the day after!
Negotiating skills for using condoms
This brings us to the main
topic of this page. How do you suggest to
your partner that you want to use a condom?
The more you can talk with your partner
about this the better. Having the skills
and confidence to talk with your partner
about condom use is an important factor in
practicing safer sex, especially for women.
Talking about condom use is a difficult
topic especially if it brings up issues
about trust and faithfulness in heterosexual
relationships. Women in heterosexual
relationships are in the more difficult
position here as they can't apply the condom
themselves, unless they are using the female
condom. Otherwise they will need to rely on
their male lover to be willing to use a
condom and be able to do so properly.
Talking about condom use will be similar to
talking about other difficult issues with
your lover. It may be awkward at first, but
the more you practice the better. Please
read out page on
tips for talking for general strategies
for talking about difficult things.
It may be easier to initiate
condom use at the very start of a
relationship rather than after you have
spent a few nights together. At the start of
a relationship, you will be in a better
position to assert yourself around condom
use or be able to state that you will
withhold sex without a condom. Your new
partner will most likely simply accept that
this is how things will be between the two
of you. As you get to know somebody more,
ways in which two people relate to each
other settle into a predictable pattern,
which takes more effort and probably more
explanations to change. Therefore, start
using a condom with any new partner as a
matter of fact right from the start.
Once you get over the initial hurdle this
may present for you, your new lover will be
much less inclined to question how things
are done between you then if you introduce
using a condom later on.
Additionally, it is
important that you know some of the
facts about STDs
before having a conversation with your
partner about using condoms. If you can
explain to him or her why you think using a
condom will be beneficial to both of you it
may help him or her to see that your request
is about both of your health. It may help to
think about reasons why using a condom will
be beneficial for your partner, such as his
or her health and protection for them and
their future children. Focusing on the
benefits of condom use to your partner can
be summed up as the "You Strategy":
"I care
about you very much and I don't want
anything to happen to you".
In
heterosexual relationships negotiating for
condom use can become difficult as your
partner may think you are not trusting him
or her when you are suggest using a condom.
One way around the issue about faithfulness
and trust is to put the origin of the risk
outside of your current relationships, for
example: "It's not that I don't trust
you, I don't trust the last person you were
with."
Another strategy is to
emphasize condoms as a way of preventing
pregnancy rather than disease. Your
partner may find it much easier to agree to
using a condom so that you don't get
pregnant. A request for condom use as a
contraceptive does not bring up issues about
faithfulness or disease. Although a woman is
only
fertile about 4 days per month, these
days are hard to predict with any degree of
certainty and shift every month. Therefore,
it is advisable to keep using condoms for
birth control throughout the monthly cycle
and not just over a few days. If you use
pregnancy prevention as an argument for
negotiating condom use, keep emphasizing how
important it is for you to know you or your
partner will not get pregnant when you are
having sex. If you don't have to worry about
pregnancy this will mean you can relax much
more and you will have more and better sex
as a consequence.
When you are negotiating
condom use you have a range of different
options available such as persuading or
suggesting condoms to your partner,
commanding or asserting yourself and
threatening to withhold sex. All of these
may be useful strategies, so don't rule any
of them out. It will of course depend on
your relationship with your partner, on your
own confidence and how important using a
condom is to you as to which strategy you go
for. Unfortunately, not all of us are in
relationships with partners who are rational
and calm when talking about difficult
issues. Consider your own safety before
going for a very assertive approach if you
have doubts about your partners response. If
you are worried about how your partner will
react, try the pregnancy prevention
approach.
Examples of possible
statements for persuasion or suggestion:
"Could we please start using
a condom when we are having sex from now on?
I've recently read something in the
newspaper about STDs and I am worried about
it (or I have stopped taking other birth
control methods, I am worried about getting
pregnant). Using a condom would help me feel
more relaxed about sex."
"I've recently heard that one
of my friends picked up an STD and it
created a lot of problems in her
relationship. I don't want that to happen to
us. How would you feel about us starting to
use a condom? (or I would like us to start
using a condom from now on)"
"I know you are not so keen
on condoms, but I believe once we find the
right size for you (or use more lubricant),
we will not notice them too much and it will
mean I can relax so much more during sex."
"We are both grown up people
and know about STDs. I want to take
responsibility here for your and my health
and do the right thing. How about starting
to use condoms from now on?"
"I have started to think we
really should be using condoms, it's the
sensible, responsible thing to do. What can
I offer you in return for accommodating me
on this one?"
Examples of commands or
assertive statement:
"Using a condom is really
important to me. I want us to use one from
now on".
"If you want to have sex with
me than you will need to use a condom. I am
not prepared to take chances with your
health (or chances about getting pregnant)."
"I want us to be happy
together for a long time and for us to look
after each other. This also includes always
using a condom for me during sex. I am not
prepared to let anything happen to you."
"I have caught an STD in the
past (or got pregnant by mistake). It was
really quite a traumatic experience and I
don't want it to happen again. It is really
important to me that we always use a condom
during sex."
Examples of a possible
statement for withholding sex:
"Sorry to be blunt about it,
but no condom, no sex! I am not willing to
risk your health."
"Always use a condom when we
are having sex. I want to be able to relax
and enjoy myself with you, therefore don't
even think about not using a condom."
Non-verbal strategies:
Finally, there is also the
option of simply using a condom or
presenting your partner with a condom
without having talked about it beforehand.
This is obviously much easier to do for men
as they are ultimately in control of putting
the condom on.
Always
have condoms with you and know how to use
them properly. Only if you have a condom
close at hand at the important moment can
you actually use it without much talking.
This may mean having a few condoms in
different locations or pockets so that you
are not tempted to have unprotected sex,
because you've left your condoms in your
coat pocket in the hallway. If you are
worried about how your partner will react
when you simply pull a condom out of your
pocket, you may want to add something like "Hope you are ok with me using this. I want
to make sure you feel safe and can relax
with me." I am sure most women would feel
very taken care of and loved if a man would
simply go ahead and use a condom in this
way.
With all of these strategies,
it is important that you have made up your
mind about how you want things to be and you
approach your partner as confidently and
relaxed as possible. If using a condom is
simply a matter of fact and no big deal for
you anymore, your partner will probably
respond likewise. In the times of HIV/AIDS
most people will know that condoms are
important and that we should all be using
them as a matter of course. It may still
need to be you, who is initiating the use of
a condom if your partner feels less
confident about it. However, you are acting
in your partner's best interest here as well
as your own!
References:
Thornburn Bird, S., Harvey,
M.S., Beckman, L.T., Johnson, C.H. (2001)
Getting Your Partner to Use Condoms:
Interviews with Men and Women at Risk of
HIV/STDs: The Partners Project. The
Journal of Sex Research 38, 3, 233-240
Written by Anna, 28.11.08
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