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General topics on sexuality

Giving oral sex to a woman

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She says:

A lot of women love oral sex. Even so, they may feel embarrassed about accepting it or asking for it. What makes oral sex so appealing for women is the combination of wetness, direct clitoral stimulation, tenderness and the overall sexiness of it all. And oral sex is great for stimulating a woman where she'd do it herself if she masturbated (mostly on her clitoris)......and wetness also has a real sexual attraction for women as it's like getting wet through natural lubrication. That's sexy because "getting wet" is a woman's equivalent of that obvious symbol of a man's arousal - his erection. If you're talking about using your mouth or tongue to stimulate a woman's genital area, you're enjoying "cunnilingus."

 

 

Health issues and safer sex

 

First off, an important caution. Never blow air into a woman's vagina as this can cause serious medical problems. Also, oral sex is still a high risk behavior for the transmission of STDs and HIV. If you're not sure about your partner's sexual history, practice safer sex during oral sex. That said, it seems as if giving cunnilingus to a woman is considered less of a risk than performing the same for a man, i.e. fellatio, although doctors still advise safer sex principles for cunnilingus.

 

How do you get started with oral sex?

 

If your female lover isn't so sure about oral sex, give her time to explore it. That means you should keep offering it and take your time when she does accept. She may not experience an instantaneous orgasm (few people do, so please scrap all those expectations and take what comes - pun intended!). In fact, a woman may never experience an orgasm this way at all, but oral sex may still be her favorite because she really enjoys the delicateness and sensuousness of it. Give her plenty of time to relax into it. I must stress how important being relaxed and having time are for a woman during oral sex. It can be time spent tuning into her body, feeling all kinds of wonderful sensations without pressure or stereotypical expectations of how things will progress.

 

But, if the reticence on her part remains, here are some more tips: keep telling her how much you enjoy giving her oral sex. Anybody who desires a woman will know how delightful getting close to a woman's  genitals can be: in fact getting your face right in there might be pure heaven for you. However, women themselves may not feel that way about their vulva and the area around it. They may think of the area as "down there", see it as potentially dirty and messy, and even be ashamed of its fluids (blood especially). A woman may not realize at all that you are actually enjoying giving her oral sex and get really turned on by it. Keep telling her that you do enjoy her body this way and that she really turns you on. This will help her feel more relaxed about her body and her sexuality.

 

If embarrassment is a factor you could also start off with oral sex in the dark. This allows her to relax, close her eyes and really feel her body. It means you can't see her facial expression, which can allow her to relax more fully and experience all her feelings without having to check whether they seem appropriate (i.e. she's not trying to please you!).

 

Some women struggle to connect with the sensations in their whole pelvic region. For them oral sex may be less enticing as the sensations may feel too remote and distant to be experienced as exciting. If your lover has a tendency to "go away in her head" and disconnect from her body then genital intercourse which includes full body contact may allow her to connect more with her body and may be experienced as more satisfying. However, you can create a more connected feeling during oral sex by making sure your bodies are still in contact in some way, for example by holding on to her hand, or cupping her face in your hand (bit of a contortionist's trick required  here from you, so that probably won't be comfortable for very long). She may also experience more connection with the rest of her body and with you if she is under a blanket, in her clothes or in a bath. Feeling the boundary of one's body more clearly through skin sensations can increase overall connectedness and sensuousness.

 

For oral sex to feel good both men and women may need to practice "letting go", which isn't always easy. Again, it's all about practicing. Keep offering oral sex as a way of supporting your partner with her sexual development. If she says no then that is also OK and shouldn't be a big deal. At least it is mentioned and you know oral sex is part of what the two of you could perhaps be doing together one day even if she doesn't want it right now. Keep working on the quality of your day to day relationship because that always has an impact on your sex life. See whether you can talk to her about how things are generally going between the two of you. More tenderness, appreciation and freedom between the two of you could really help to create the conditions under which both of you can explore your sex life more fully.

 

Pleasuring a woman with cunnilingus

 

We all want different things from sex, so it's impossible to make generalizations about what exactly will turn your lover on. To really know what she likes, you need to ask her, or find a non-verbal way for her to communicate when things feel really good to her. Overall the experience of oral sex is made up of different components: where you touch her, i.e. vulva, clitoris, urethra or any other part of her body, how wet it feels to her, how much pressure you apply, how fast your rhythm or pace is, whether you lick, suck or caress and how warm your touch feels.

 

Additionally, the longer the stimulation lasts the more the erectile tissue in the clitoris, vaginal entrance and vagina itself will get engorged with blood. With the swelling of the tissue any stimulation may be felt differently by a woman compared to before. Therefore, touch which may have been experienced by her as "too much" early on may later on be experienced as "exciting" as her body becomes ready for stronger stimulation. While giving your partner oral sex you have the benefit of being close up so you will be able to see and feel the change in her genital region. although it may still be quite subtle. Be aware that her preference for different kinds of touch may change during your sexual encounter. Remember what feels best to her in the right sequence, so next time it's even better for her. 

 

Oral sex can be given in various positions. You could have her lying on her back with you between her legs, or she could lie on her front or side, or even sit or stand up. But the giver - that's you, either the man in a heterosexual relationship, or the woman in a lesbian relationship - also needs to feel comfortable during oral sex. Try experimenting with different positions, but also get comfortable yourself. If you are comfortable with the position you're in you can get into it more and will be more inclined to take your time - which will make it better for your partner.

 

At some point you may also want to include using your hands to touch her as this adds to the sensations of oral sex. Again, her preferences for stimulation may change with time. Manual stimulation as well as oral may provide that extra kick for her as you can apply more pressure with your hands. When using your hands to touch a woman's vagina you need to consider lubrication. Some women may provide a lot of lubrication naturally so that when you touch her sensitive areas there will be no friction, just gliding. Other women don't produce so much lubrication and may enjoy a little bit of extra help. Although oral sex will feel wet due to your saliva, this may still not be enough lubrication for her when you are using your hands. Saliva is quite watery and has not got the same consistency as vaginal fluids. Therefore consider the use of some extra lubrication on your fingers when touching her during oral sex. Never use oil based lubricants do not go with latex barrier methods such condoms or dental dams.

 

One of the things that really turns some women on is cunnilingus given while you play with their anus with a finger. However, it's perfectly OK if you are not comfortable with this type of stimulation (either as the giver or the receiver). But if you are interested in giving it, check out with your lover first whether she enjoys a little bit of extra stimulation on her anus during oral sex. If you do go ahead, use plenty of lubrication. Additionally, make sure the finger which you use for anal stimulation does not come in contact with her vulva or vagina later on as this can result in an infection of her vaginal area.

 

Lastly, if you happen to be a man with a beard giving a woman cunnilingus it may include some pleasant extra sensations too!

 

He says:

Ah yes, cunnilingus. The most intimate act of love between a man and a woman - and very exciting for most men, whose obsession with the vagina never ends from the first time they enter one. There is nothing as sweet as being able not only to feel your lover's vulva, but also to taste and smell it. Women worry about the scent of their genitals, but mostly without reason - men find it incredibly exciting! I guess the only exception would be if you have a vaginal infection or you haven't washed recently. Otherwise, a man will be aroused as he tastes his partner's vaginal fluid beginning to flow, as her scent changes during their lovemaking, and as he feels her clitoris becoming more swollen and her vagina changing in texture as she becomes more aroused or reaches orgasm (or not!) Unfortunately, many men find this so arousing that they cannot last long if they enter their partner after giving her an orgasm through oral sex - but this may not matter much if the she's orgasmed from the cunnilingus. If she hasn't had an orgasm, then intercourse gives a couple the chance to extend their intimacy.

 

Finally, for many women, cunnilingus is a good way to experience an orgasm that might not be so easy to achieve during other kinds of sexual pleasure. It certainly is a good way for a man to ensure his partner achieves orgasm if she isn't able to come during intercourse (as most women are not). And if you think your penis is too small to give pleasure to a woman, then become an expert in oral sex, which she may well find more rewarding than intercourse!

 

The only other observation I'd add is that you, the man, aren't really responsible for a woman's orgasm: don't take it on as though somehow it's your job to get her to orgasm. You can't "give" a woman an orgasm - though you might be able to help her find her way to it!

 

Written by Anna, 20.09.07   Rod, 28.11.07

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