Develop Your Sexual
Sensitivity and Sensuality
Does sex feel uninteresting,
dull or boring to you? One of the things
that could contribute to the lack of passion
in your sex life is your own relationship
with your body.
Of course we normally
equate sex with "sex-with-a-partner" and
therefore it's less about your relationship
with yourself than it might be, but even
when you are sexual with someone else, your
own experience is created through your own
Having a sexual experience is quite a
complicated process. Your skin, hands, eyes
and genitals need to transmit sensations to
your brain, which then needs to relate this
input to sexual arousal.
will need to tune into those sensations,
feelings and images that are created and
transmitted by your body.
Sex works best if
you can tune in fully to your own body and
let go into the stream of sensations so that
you're completely in the moment, relaxed yet
excited, surrendering to your sensations.
Sounds tricky? Well it is!
In Western society we have generated a
strong split between the body and mind,
which impacts on how we see our bodies, how
we grow up with our bodies and how we live
in them, and of course also how we
experience sexuality through our bodies.
relationship with our bodies is a learned
pattern, which can also be re-learned and
changed. This may take some time and can be
an ongoing process in your life, one which
has the potential to be immensely rewarding
in terms of pleasure of sensory experience
and your sexuality.
So how can you start to
improve your relationship with your body?
First, accept that your body is an equal
partner to your mind. Your body is you; you
are your body. Many people treat their
physical part like a robot, which carries
them, i.e. their minds, around in the world;
they only give it attention when it
In reality we can only
experience ourselves through and with our
bodies. Living well and feeling sensuous
involves harmony and cooperation between
body and mind, not having a body that is
either dominated or neglected.
Second, you need to learn
to listen to your body's signals. Take some
time out every day, even if it is just a few
minutes to sit down, do nothing, and focus
your attention on your physical sensations.
If your mind wanders off, bring yourself
back to focusing on the physical sensations
in your body, right here, right now.
your body talk to you about how your
physical self is doing at this time and what
you can pick up about your environment
through your senses. Always come back to the
present moment and keep focusing on your
sensations whenever you find yourself
drifting off or getting lost in thinking.
Third, when you stop and
listen to your body you may pick up signs of
discomfort. Maybe you are tense, tired,
stressed, agitated or in some other way
Deal with the causes of your
physical discomfort by relaxing more,
sleeping more, eating less, taking better
food, doing more exercise, and in general by
looking after yourself better.
expect your body to provide you with good
sensations when you aren't listening and
acting on the biologically more important
sensations of discomfort it is sending you.
Fourth, learn to live
inside your body rather than by looking at
it from the outside.
We are so used to
objectifying our bodies that we forget how
neurotic it is to be constantly evaluating
the appearance of our bodies from the
outside, in mirrors, internal and external
images and through other people's eyes.
need to learn how to live inside our bodies,
experiencing ourselves from the inside out,
rather than from the outside in as onlookers
Focus more on what you see,
feel and smell through the surface of your
body and your senses rather than how you
look. Removing any large mirrors from your
surroundings will help.
Whenever you find
yourself evaluating a part of your body as a
critical observer, see whether you can focus
your attention on what sensations you are
experiencing right now in that part of your
body. Does this part of your body feel
pleasant or uncomfortable right now? At that
point you are connecting with it again,
being in it, rather than looking onto it.
Your own senses, such as
your eyes, ears, smell, taste and touch, are
exquisitely attuned to the physical world
that surrounds us. We tend to lose the joy
of simply being with our sensations when we
get lost in thinking or rushing around doing
To develop your sensuality further,
first and foremost slow down. Take time to
enjoy your senses. You can practice this by
focusing deliberately on each one in turn
for a day, experimenting with images and
views, sounds, smell, tastes and touch.
Being in the moment generates pleasure when
we experience ourselves and the world around
Once you can tune in more
fully to your own sensations, take time to
experiment with how to increase your
sensuous enjoyment of your own body by
yourself. This can of course also include
sexual touch. Give yourself space to explore
to whole range of enjoyable sensations that
your own body has to offer. As always, take
Why not spend an hour on
sex-for-one even though you could of course
simply discharge your sexual frustration
within 5 minutes? Being sexual by yourself
is a completely valid sexual experience in
itself. Also, being able to pleasure
yourself and to stay connected with your own
physical sensations is essential for relaxed
and passionate sex with a partner.
are a woman who has difficulty reaching
orgasm, try this
To Be Orgasmic. It includes many
exercises designed to help you become more
in tune with your own body. If you are a man
who has trouble with reaching orgasm, you
may well have lost touch with your body.
If you do have a partner, your new focus on
your own physical sensations can also
transform your experience of partner sex. As
before, slow down and take your time to
really experience your partner's looks,
sounds, smell and touch.
Keep focusing on
yourself and how your body receives
stimulation as well as what it feels like to
give stimulation with your body, hands, lips
and voice to your partner.
lingering on each new level of sexual
arousal, really getting to know it before
increasing stimulation. With sex, the
journey is as beautiful and exciting as it
is to finally arrive, so don't rush ahead
If you do find that your
partner isn't stimulating you quite enough
or in the way you would like him or her to
do so, why not show or tell him or her
how to do it better?
Having clear direction
from you will make it easier for your
partner to be the most exciting lover in
your life, so why wouldn't he or she welcome
the suggestions? Additionally, you can also
add in your own touch to the stimulation you
are getting from your partner. After all
this is all about enjoyment rather than
Keep practicing sensuousness in all areas of
your life, not just during sex. True
sensuousness creates immense pleasure just
by being in the moment and experiencing the
world. This is pleasure, which doesn't cost
anything, doesn't make you fat and isn't
illegal. It will strengthen and nourish your
spirit as well as your satisfy your
sexuality. Start practicing today!