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Talking
with your partner about how your relationship is going is
essential. But this can feel very scary as emotions
can run very high, very quickly.
And talking about
your sex life may be even worse - it can
be hard to discuss sex
openly and truly hear what each other
has to say in a non-defensive way.
However,
sex does get better when you talk about it.
Since the two of you are completely different
people, probably of different sexes with
different bodies, certainly with different potential
problems and different preferences, it's
essential that you talk about what you want,
about what's going well for you, and most of
all about what isn’t working for you. How else
would you ever find out what's going on for
each other? You might be quite good at
empathizing, in which case you might feel like
you can read the other person’s mind, but in
the end you're just guessing and
filling in the gaps of your knowledge with
your own fantasies. Asking the other
person what's going on in their head and
heart is the only way of really finding out.
Here are
some tips that might make it easier for you
to talk about sex:
Find an
easy time to talk about difficult issues.
Picking a time when you are both relaxed and
happy with the relationship will make
talking much easier. Many couples find it
easiest to talk about their sex life after they've
just enjoyed good sex. Both of you will feel
relaxed and loving towards each other. Also,
you're already in an intimate place with no outside disturbances. Your
minds will still be on sex, so starting to
talk about it will feel less abrupt and out
of place than it might at other times. Other good
times might be in the evening before you
fall asleep (perhaps after you've
switched off the lights) or while you're
doing something else such as going
for a walk or driving your car. In
these situations you won't have to maintain eye contact,
which might make it easier
to talk about potentially embarrassing or
difficult issues.
Try and
start your conversation from an
Adult ego state position. In other
words, talk when you're as grounded and confident in yourself
as possible. If you feel safe within
yourself you'll be much less
defensive and you can really hear what your
partner is saying without getting caught up
in your own emotional stuff.
If you start to get emotional about whatever
your partner's saying, do your best to stay
grounded and sooth yourself internally.
Your partner probably loves you even if it
doesn't seem like it just now. In fact,
what's happening
at times like this will probably
just be a
misunderstanding rooted in your
different personal histories. Don’t take
what your partner says as a personal attack or a rejection of
you. And please try not to escalate
what is happening between the two of you
into something else! Keep
focused on what is happening right here,
right now
between the two of you.
If you
find it hard to initiate a conversation
about sex, it might be easier to plan
this conversation for a time in the future
rather than just jump right into it. You
could tell your partner that you want to talk about
sex, for example by saying, "I love
sex with you, and I want to talk about how
we can
develop our sex life at some point, maybe
next week or so. What do you think?" or
perhaps, "When would be a good time for you
to have a chat about our sex life?’’
That way you are giving yourself and your
partner a bit of time to emotionally prepare
for the talk without launching straight into
it. On the other hand you have mentioned it,
so it’s out in the open that you would like
to talk about it. That’s a start!
Get used
to talking about sex. What couples
often need is an ongoing discussion about sex.
A one-off conversation will help a bit, but
it's much better to be able to talk about
sex in your relationship whenever you want. This needs practice.
Therefore, you need to get into the
habit of talking about sex, so that it
gets easier and easier to discuss it.
This also helps you to get to know each other better and
better, which in turn makes it easier to talk about
more difficult issues. First of all,
you might tell your partner that you want to talk
about sex, and then let it rest for a few
days, so that you both get used to the
idea. Then you might have an easy
conversation with each other about
what's working well for you and how much you
desire each other. This will create good
feelings and stop you thinking that
talking about sex will inevitably be
painful. Next, you could start asking more
questions about what your partner would
enjoy during sex besides what you're already doing
- and you could also ask for some new stuff yourself.
Slowly but surely you could build up to
talking about the things you don’t like without
too much anxiety for either of you. (Click
here to read more on
managing anxiety.) Being able to talk
regularly about sex builds up trust and
makes it much easier to approach the subject.
Every time you have a successful conversation
about sex, it makes the next one easier.
Start a
conversation by thinking about where your partner is coming from. Imagine there's stuff you don’t like in your sexual
relationship with your partner. Instead of
asking openly about what's going on for the
other person and where he or she is coming
from, you might already have thought about this
issue for ages, only to arrive at some very negative
conclusions. You then start
a conversation by suggesting your worst case
scenario to your partner - no wonder he or she
starts getting defensive: you
didn’t give him or her even a chance to
explain where they really are at! Remember
this needs to be a dialogue between two
people, not just a dialogue inside your own
head. Give your partner a chance to tell
you about their internal thoughts and
feelings, their experiences and attitudes,
and why they are the way they are. You can
then think about what that means. Always
approach a problem between you and your partner with
curiosity, with an attitude of enquiry and
interest!
Talking
needs quality time. You can only talk
about difficult things if you have plenty of
time to do so. Most people need to feel
safe with their partner before they
can approach a difficult topic or respond to
it. So make sure you've spent some time
connecting with your partner before getting
started, and remember you'll need uninterrupted
time ahead so that your partner has time to
get into the conversation. Also, plan
for several conversations so you can cover
all the ground. That's especially important
if your partner
finds it hard to talk. In this case, simply be patient and
don’t fill the space by talking too much
yourself. You might also suggest that they get back to you about things next
time you talk so they have plenty of time to think about what you've
said. And
always remember that you can slow things
down if it all gets too difficult. This allows both of you to
deal with the emotions that come up while staying grounded.
If it’s
really hard for the two of you to talk,
consider a different way of doing it rather than
assuming you have to do this face to face.
Sometimes it makes sense to "talk" about the
really difficult things via letters or
emails. This lets you write down what
you want to communicate to your partner in your own
time, without pressure. You can revise it as
often as you want to before sending it to
them, and this can be
more honest and direct than
talking face to face. If you write things
down your partner can read it in his or her
own time, think about it and calm down or
process their feelings. This approach
stops a common pattern which goes like this: you
say something difficult, your partner hears it as a rejection, he or
she gets upset, then you start to reacting
to their emotion and it escalates from
there. A written dialogue will slow this
sequence down and allow for more reflection.
Remember that with emails your data may
not be secure in transit and you will need
to protect your privacy in some way. If
you do write things down state clearly at
the end of your letter what you want to
happen next, e.g. "Please write me a
letter in response within one week. I won't
bring this up within our normal day to day
life so we can stay calm with each other, but I am looking forward to
your answer". That way you are both clear about
the next steps and you're not left guessing
what happens next.
Finally,
trust the process: talk to each other and
you will develop your sexual relationship over
time. Sexuality is difficult for most
people as it involves truly lowering your
defenses and letting somebody into your
heart and body. Developing your sex life
together might be a slow process, but that
doesn’t mean it isn’t moving forward. Don’t
give up on talking to your partner about
what you want until you know each other well
and have found a solution or a good
compromise. Talking is important to make
sure your thoughts and feelings, wishes and
desires, are all respected and fulfilled if
possible.
Additional
reading with more tips on talking:
Zilbergeld, B. (1999) The New Male
Sexuality. Revised edition. Bantam
