First of all,
here are some measurements: an average penis
is about 6 inches long, though 5 is not
unusual, and 4 is common enough. Longer
penises are not that common, and you get
very few over 7 inches long. The average
circumference or girth (that's the distance
around the outside) is about 5 inches,
though a lot of penises are 4 inches around.
That means the width will be about 1.5 to 2
inches. You can read more about average sizes
on
this penis information website.
The vagina is a very powerful
muscle, which can adapt to any size penis
without much difficulty. Click here to read
more about the
anatomy of the vagina. Normally, penis
size is not an issue when it comes to
problems with genital intercourse. In short, your
penis is not too big for her vagina.
If you can't seem to get your penis in her vagina,
you may well wonder what's going on!
Quite often young women get
nervous about being penetrated for the first
time. After hearing all the stories that
float about, which say losing one's
virginity is painful for women, it is easy
for girls to expect that penetration will
hurt. This is not a surprising expectation
to have, if she has already
got plenty of experience with painful
periods or urinary tract infections.
If a woman is scared about
penetration it is possible that she
unconsciously contracts her vaginal muscles,
which then does not allow the penis to
enter. These contractions can cause pain in
themselves,
and make any attempt at penetration painful.
This condition is described as
vaginismus by psychosexual therapists.
Please click here to read more on
vaginismus and about
intromission, the medical word we use
for penetration. Sex shouldn't hurt at all
and no great force is needed for
intromission.
It will be useful for her to
get a gynecological check up, just to make
sure she has no infections, which could
cause her pain. Also, make sure you
are prepared regarding contraception, so that she doesn't
have to be anxious about getting pregnant
during sex.
However, if you are just
starting out to have sex some contraction of
the vaginal muscles due to fear of the
unknown is really normal and understandable.
It is OK that she should suffer from a case
of 'nerves' as things start to get more
serious. This does not mean that her
response is an automatic reaction yet as in
a case of vaginismus. I would suggest that
you slow down what you are doing and that
you take a bit more time with getting
started (see below). Click here to read a
female view on penetration and a
male view on penetration to understand
more about how men and women can experience
penetration.
You may have heard about the
hymen,
which is a thin membrane protecting the back
of the vaginal entrance in young women. This should
break without using force during penetration as it is
quite thin, and it shouldn't hurt or bleed
much. I would expect any bleeding from
the hymen to be very little, in reality
maybe a few drops, that's all. Any pain
a woman
may normally experience from her period will
be worse than the breaking of the hymen. I
suggest that the best way to make this
process easy for both of you is to get
comfortable with each other's bodies and
your sexual responses first and then use
plenty of lubrication when you attempt
genital intercourse.
Many men lose their erection once things
begin to go wrong. You may even wonder if
there is
something wrong with you.
Male partners often react to
any problem during sex which seems to
distress the female partner, by losing
their erection. This is especially true when
you are just getting started with sex or if there are
problems with penetration such as
vaginismus. As you care deeply about her,
you will not want to 'hurt' her with your
erection (even though you might think this
will happen, in reality it won't if you're
nicely prepared for sex), so no wonder your
penis flops!
Additionally, if
things go wrong generally, especially during
the first few attempts, it will be
stressful for the male partner, which is no
good for your erections. Once you get over
the barrier of inexperience, feeling anxious
and things going wrong, your erections will
probably be really hard again.
And first time sex may not even feel very
good....
It is normal for young
couples to get stressed about first time
sex, especially if you care about each other
and want to get it right. The more tension
and expectation builds up the less likely
both of you are going to let go and enjoy
the ride. If things then don't work well
because you are both too tense, it can
result in a lot of disappointment and even
more anxiety for the next time round. The
most important thing is to let go of your
expectations that sex should be fabulous
straight away so that you don't put yourself
under pressure to perform. As
with everything else, sex takes practice.
And with respect to orgasms
(which we call "coming", as in "I'm
coming!"),
one needs to be able to really let go into
one's physical sensations to come. Click here
to read up more about
what an
orgasm is. It will take time and
practice to let go and enjoy what is
happening. At the start of your sexual
journey you are probably trying to work out
what is going on inside of you and what you
need to do for your partner. It will take
time for you to find your rhythm and relax
into the situation, which is when an orgasm
is most likely to happen.
Another common problem
is that young men ejaculate
(come) in no time at all!
What we call 'premature
ejaculation', i.e. ejaculating way too soon
for your own liking is very common in young
men. In fact, one could argue that this is
the normal state of affairs. Men need to
learn how to regulate their own arousal to
gain control over their ejaculations. This
again takes time and practice. If you are
anxious about ejaculating too quickly or
anxious about sex itself, then your heightened arousal due to
your anxiety will mean you are much more likely
to come quickly again next time. The
most important thing is not to be critical
of yourself and to work at mastering
ejaculatory control over time. Click here to
read more about
premature ejaculation.
1) Go slowly: maybe the two
of you aren't quite as ready for sex as you thought.
2) Take the pressure off
yourselves by being patient. Good sex takes time.
3) Talk about what is
happening between you: what you expect from
sex, how you think it should work, and your fears that it won't work.
4) Make sure that
when you touch her genitals you use plenty
of lubrication. You need to glide over her
skin so that there is no friction. If you try penetration again, use plenty
of lubrication. Many women really like the
feeling of 'wetness' so the more
lube the better.
It needs to be a water-based lubricant if
you use condoms. Once you get to the point
of entering her, you could also try simply entering her slowly and then just
lying
still for a while together, even if you lose
your erection. That's OK, it will come back.
This would give her time to connect with her
body, to breath slowly and deeply and to
make sure she relaxes any muscles she has
tensed up.
5) Let go of the idea of
genital intercourse as the one and only type
of sex you can have fun with. You could have
great fun and sexual satisfaction from other
types of sex such as masturbating together
or having oral sex. If you get into being
sexual with each other in different ways, it
will take the pressure off genital
intercourse. It is much more likely to
happen 'just like that' at some point
when both of you are actually quite aroused
and not thinking about the problems that
could
potentially arise.
When I mean let go of your
expectations, I would suggest letting go,
for now, of the idea that both of you need
to have an orgasm through genital
intercourse and that you are going to have
sex by genital intercourse. Once you let go
of these very specific aims, you are free to
be as sexual as you would like to. You could
still do everything else such as petting,
oral sex, stroking, mutual masturbation
etc., but it means you don't have to have an
erection and she doesn't have to equate sex
with genital penetration. It gives both of
you time to get used to your sexual
responses without performance pressure.
Basically, you explore sexuality in ways
people often define as foreplay
first and get
comfortable and relaxed on this level,
before progressing. The same principle
applies to the sensate focus exercises,
which you can read about on our web site.
