Taking
stock of your sex life
Related pages:
The following
questionnaire is designed to give you a framework to review your sex
life. It isn't a psychological questionnaire which will give you all
the answers, but more a collections of questions which should get
you thinking. And it isn't an exhaustive set of questions either.
There might be issues which come up in your sex life which don't fit
our format (by the way, if that's the case feel free to write to us
and tell us about them).
The questions
are grouped into 3 different blocks: The Basics, which I think are
really necessary to have any sex life at all. Average Stuff, what, I
imagine, most of us struggle with on and off. And Dizzying Heights,
where most of us want to be, but seldom get to. Here we
go:
The
Basics
1 Do you
find yourself sexually attractive?
If you do not
find yourself sexually attractive, then this is only your perception
of yourself. It does not mean you are unattractive. You need to be
able to accept yourself, your body and your sexuality and feel
comfortable within your own skin. If you are not at present, do
something about it! Start by learning more about your psychological
make up and lead a physically healthy lifestyle. You and
you-in-your-body deserve it!
2 Do you
find your partner sexually attractive?
If you do not
find your partner sexually attractive, what's the point of sex? Are
you sure you are in the right relationship? Maybe there are issues
between you that need addressing. Unaddressed issues can turn us off
people. You may also want to start leading a more healthy life style
together.
Sidebar:
There are many
ways to overcome sexual dysfunction, and to be a good
lover it is important that you apply the techniques with
dedication. This is especially true in the case of
premature ejaculation, where learning
how to prevent premature ejaculation is a matter of
great importance for female sexual pleasure.
Should you
want to know more about dating, how to get girls, how to
increase your confidence, and how to shine with women,
my good friend Dennis Miedema has a super blog on
dating, which, among other things, will explain
how to flirt and get the girl of your dreams!
Remember, you can only enjoy sex when you've got the
sexual confidence to get a girl into bed in the first
place!
3 Can you
enjoy masturbation?
Masturbation is
an important part of one's sex life. If you can give yourself
pleasure and really enjoy it you will be in a much better position
to do so with a partner as well. Also, masturbation is way you can
take care of your own sexual needs when your partner isn't up for
it. Your sexual needs are your own responsibility - not your
partner's.
4 Do you
have sex with a partner with whom you feel safe at the
time?
The singer
Madonna has a line in one of her songs saying "protection is the
greatest aphrodisiac." Safety allows us to let go and get turned on.
Without safety, sex can be a very threatening venture. Safety might
also mean different things to different people, like safe from
unwanted pregnancy or illnesses, safe from violence or being used,
emotionally safe, or safe from potential shame and
humiliation.
5 Are you
comfortable with the frequency with which you and your partner are
having sex?
Frequency of sex
must be an ancient problem between couples. How often do you really
find someone who has an equal amount of sex drive? The probability
must be minute! Couples need to find a compromise that doesn't leave
one or both partners resentful, hassled and frustrated.
6 Do you
feel like you can say "no" to your partner?
If you
can't say no, you won't be able to give a wholehearted yes either.
Saying no is essential with sex, so that you can put yourself and
your needs in the picture. Without you in the picture, we might as
well be talking about assisted masturbation. Sex needs to be a
two-way process to work.
7 Are you
comfortable with being naked?
Unfortunately,
in many western cultures, nakedness is still an awkward thing. This
isn't really helped by the standardized and unrealistic pictures the
media feeds us about the human body. Nakedness increases our
stimulation through our skin and other senses during sex. If you are
not comfortable with nakedness, think about the reasons why.
Remember that for most people on this planet, nakedness is really
OK.
8 Do you
know about contraception and sexually transmitted diseases and do
you protect yourself appropriately?
This links with
the issue of safety: it is important that you aren't dismissive of
your physical protection during sex. Unwanted illnesses or
pregnancies can cause major and still deadly consequences. And
unwanted pregnancies are not just an issue for women: all you guys
out there, think about the possibility of having fathered a child,
which you may not be able to see growing up and which you might have
to pay for for a very long time. It's a very stupid risk to
take!
9 Do you
have sex with your partner without being under the influence of
alcohol or drugs?
Alcohol or other
drugs can help us to relax and you may be able to enjoy sex more
because of a lack of critical messages in your head about yourself
and the other person. However, you should be able to get the same
enjoyment out of sex without these "little helpers". Think about
what you need to change in yourself to have an equal amount of
freedom when not under the influence. And imagine that plus the fact
that you will be more present and able to remember more clearly!
It's worth changing!
10 Do you
get something out of sex?
The commonplace
view on this is that what we should be getting out of sex is an
orgasm, and that's what it's all about. Well, I beg to differ. We
can also have a great sexual experience without orgasm, where we
feel loved, connected to our partners, close, sexually open and
excited or playful. What's important is that you get something good
for yourself out of sex and you can enjoy it with your
partner.
The Average
Stuff
1 Do you
feel respected and safe not only during sex, but all the time in
your relationship?
What's going on
in your relationship will greatly influence your sex life, maybe not
straight away, but certainly in the long run. If you two struggle
around issues of power or commitment with each other it may start to
be a real turn off. Sex may then become another battle zone. One of
the best things you can do for your sex life is to straighten out
and develop your relationship.
2 Can you
talk about sex with your partner?
We tend to
assume that sex is just sex, there is only one way of doing it and
that it comes naturally. Well, that's a very simplistic point of
view and doesn't do you, or the physical and psychological
complexity of sex, justice. You and your partner are different
people, with different desires, interests, personality make-ups and
fantasies. To make sex work for both of you, you need to talk about
it. Discuss what you want from each other, how you want it and when.
If that seems difficult, at least try. If it seems impossible, look
again at your relationship or your own background. Talking is
important.
3 Are you
affectionate with each other during sex and when you are not having
sex?
We all have
needs for physical contact and closeness, not just for sexual
satisfaction. This need gets shaped differently for men and women.
Women are allowed to seek affection (but often not to express lust)
and men can generally express lust more easily than affection. I
know these are classical stereotypes and may not be true, perhaps
even for most people, in this black and white way. However, think
about it for yourself: how much affection do you give and take in in
your relationship? If the two of you are physically close and
affectionate with each other without having sex it will probably
increase your sense of pleasure and security in the relationship,
which is a great basis for an intense sex life. If you find it hard
to give or receive affection, read the pages on psychology and
personality.
4 Can you
tell your partner what you want sexually?
When you ask,
you have a chance of receiving! Your partner can't read your mind,
so telling him or her what you want and how you want it is
essential. Again, if you think telling your partner about your
wishes is not an option, look at your relationship or your own
psychology. It's worth working on this one. After all, it's great
when your partner takes you up on your desires.
5 Can you
orgasm on your own or with your partner?
I would guess,
despite all the myths to the contrary, that the reality for lots of
people is being able to orgasm on your own through masturbation with
or without your partner present, or for you and/or your partner to
reach orgasm during sex, though not necessarily simultaneously. And
it's a pretty good one. Enjoy it, and relinquish ideas about having
to have earth-shattering, simultaneously timed orgasms!
6 Do you
both make time for sex?
Good sex takes
time and energy. If you are trying to have a good sex life on a
shoe-string budget of time or energy, think again. It's not going to
work. Talk with your partner about your sexual wishes and discuss
how you can make enough time for spontaneity and sex.
7 Can you
identify with your own sexual energy? Do you see yourself as an
attractive and sexy person?
I guess the old
assumption that if you find yourself sexy, others will too, still
holds true. To feel attractive and sexy you need to allow your own
sexual energy into your awareness and feel comfortable with it - as
well as being comfortable with your body and your desires. I am sure
a lot of us struggle with this since, despite all the sexuality we
see on TV and in popular culture, we are still a very repressed
society. Pleasure is often not allowed to us when we grow up, and we
need to find our sexual energy and sensuality again. I can't think
of many things more worthwhile than this! Have a look at the
psychology pages for some ideas.
8 Do you
feel OK about initiating sex?
Initiating
sex can be quite difficult, just like accepting another's advances
may be. This touches on issues about control, being able to reach
out and risk rejection or humiliation, and intimacy. Think about why
initiating sex or accepting it may be difficult for you. You may
need to look at your relationship or your own psychology to feel
free to initiate and receive.
The Dizzying
Heights
1 Do you
talk during sex or show your partner what you want
"hands-on"?
Being able to
tell your partner during sex - there and then - what you want is
obviously best. Once you can be spontaneous, playful and go for what
you want in the moment - and it's OK with your partner - you'll
probably have done a lot of work on yourself and your
relationship.
2 Do you
know about your partner's sexual fantasies?
Sexual fantasies
may be an important part of your sex life, or your partner's sex
life. However, fantasies are just that, fantasies, and they may not
be any fun at all if you try really living them. But to share your
sexual fantasies and maybe share the same sexual fantasy space in
your minds can be an exciting experience.
3 Do you
have a range of sexual experiences with your partner from the
romantic to the passionate or spiritual?
This is a
variation on the "sex isn't just one thing" theme. Sex can be a lot
of different things, and encompass a lot of different experiences.
Sex can be a very drawn out cuddly and romantic affair which may or
may not involve orgasms. It can also be a passionate and primal act
that feels overpowering or even aggressive on both sides (remember
that feeling aggressive is a different thing from being aggressive).
Sex can also be a tender and intense meeting of two bodies and two
spirits. I think it's important that you and your partner allow for
flexibility and have a range of different sexual experiences with
each other. It's easy to get into the same old groove. Keeping out
of it is an achievement, especially in long-term
relationships.
4 Are you
able to really let yourself go?
Our society
values self-control and restraint. For a lot of things that's good,
but for sex such self-control tends to be in the way. On the other
hand, a lot of advanced sexual techniques require self-control,
especially from the man. Are you able to control your sexual
responses or let go completely at will?
5 Do you
feel comfortable and open to strong emotions during
sex?
Sex is at its
best when you feel intense feelings: the passion within you, the
desire for your partner, the love between you, the closeness and
intimacy you are sharing. If you can allow those feelings fully into
your awareness and open your heart to your partner and your
experience, well, I'll let you imagine the power of the sexual
experience that opens up to you!
6 Do you
have a strong sense of connection with yourself and your partner
during sex?
Sexual
energy is an energy which requires us to reach out. It pushes us out
into the world, towards other people. It leads us to connect with
someone on a deep level, possibly to the extent of establishing a
spiritual or transpersonal connection.
7 Are you
able to time your orgasms or do you know quite well when you are
coming?
This is the
self-control issue in another form. Sex is a delicate dance which
requires good timing on both parts. To get the most out of it you
need to know your level of arousal and how to control it so you can
calm down and prolong sex, or increase it to bring you into your
orgasm. If you are interested in learning more, look at the
physiological pages and the exercises for premature
ejaculation.
8 Have you
heard about or tried Tantric sex techniques?
Tantra is an
ancient spiritual path from India. Its premise is that sex and
sexuality can be a way to spiritual growth and enlightenment. Sex
can be a way to reach ecstasy and connect with the transpersonal.
The Tantric tradition teaches people how to increase and raise their
sexual energy, how to match it to their partner's and how to achieve
long multiple orgasms. It places a lot of emphasis on breathing,
connection with your partner, and control of ejaculation in men. It
may sound esoteric, but the Tantric tradition holds many wonderful
techniques and wisdom about sex and sexual fulfillment. If you enjoy
sex and you want to make the most of it, this is the one to look
into!
I hope these
points have stimulated your thinking about sex in general and your
sex life in particular. Remember, a good sex life takes effort. It
takes knowledge, practice, relationship skills, a degree of personal
openness and a sense of fun. But if your sex life isn't all it could
be at the moment, you can work at it by learning more about
yourself, your partner, and sex in general. There isn't any reason
why your sex life can't be fulfilling and fun.
last edited
by Anna 14.11.07
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