Sex Questions From Men & Women

Q: I am 28 single and a heterosexual guy. I wanted to know - can one get addicted to porn? I know it's quite junk, I personally would not subscribe to the mindless, loveless gymnastic acts of porn but I feel like viewing it? I had outgrown it at some stage but every once in a while I like to see it for up to a whole day. Is this called an addiction? Will it go away by me distracting myself by doing other stuff? Is this linked to the desire for a partner or for sex? Does watching porn have any beneficial effect like – providing some sexual/visual satisfaction? Do people outgrow this urge with age?

A: To be honest, I think what people call addiction to porn is often much more about boredom. I know this may sound a bit like the old idea that young boys can stop masturbating if they find a worthwhile hobby (!), but there seems to be some truth in it. First of all, if one's in a worthwhile sexual relationship then porn can be an adjunct to sex in the relationship, but it is unlikely ever to be the main object of a man's desire. Second, if a man is not in a relationship, and needs to "get off" (i.e. ejaculate to relieve sexual tension) then porn can be useful for this, and even exciting - but how often does one really need to do this? Once a day at most? So I wouldn't say a guy looking at porn once every day was addicted, no.

I think the truth is that all men like to be stimulated by porn - it satisfies a basic urge, and provided the porn is consensual and not abusive to women, then I think it's OK! I suspect the main problem with porn is the time it wastes!

Q: I'm male (22) and I just got sexually active three months back. Not exactly active say once or twice in a week. Initially me and my girlfriend decided to use condoms - I did come too quickly but I lasted at least for some time, say two, three minutes after we started the real intercourse. Later on we stopped using condoms because my partner felt that it was hurting her. Now when I was doing it for the first time without condoms as soon as I penetrated I ejaculated; I tried to control it but I couldn't. It was weird because I was nervous and after this I got more nervous as I got worried about what would she think about the whole encounter.

At that time I wasn't really sure of multiple orgasm in males. I had heard about it but in very rare cases in males. Now when the premature ejaculation happened a couple of times more, I decided to carry on the intercourse, to carry on thrusting even after ejaculating. I realized that even after ejaculating once I don’t get turned off, I don’t lose my erection. So went on until I ejaculated again. The second ejaculation was quite satisfactory. But I'm wondering is this normal? And I'm also worried that while I had this experience I was having sex every 5-6 days or sometimes more than a week. So would I face problem of what my partner thinks of me coming so quickly when I start having sex on daily basis? Would I get multiple orgasm when I start having sex on daily basis? Is my case a normal case or its a big problem? I feel very nervous and worried and scared because of the whole weird situation during my intercourse. I would like to know how what is the best treatment for premature ejaculation.

A: Well, I can certainly put your mind at rest on this one. What you describe is perfectly normal, and is a good way for men to achieve multiple orgasm. I actually discovered this myself in the same way you did - and I've enjoyed it ever since. I think it's a fantastic gift for men who can overcome the discomfort of thrusting after they have ejaculated (if there is any - it's only temporary anyway) - they can literally have multiple, long lasting orgasms. As time goes by, if you continue with this, you may find your girl starts to join in with you and spontaneously has her own long lasting orgasms while you enjoy yours. In any event, all I can say is: enjoy! It's perfectly normal and you're very fortunate to have discovered it.

Q: I went into your website and thought it'd be good to have your point of view on the relationship I'm having now. I am 30 now, and am in a sort of relationship with a man who is 14 years older than me. I will call him Tom, just to have a name to refer to. We met 2 years ago when I was working as a clerk at a school. He was my boss back then. After a few months working together, I asked him out, and we went on a few "dates", but when we were close to kissing and getting closer, he said that I was too young and he was too old, and that it would never work. Eventually, we never kissed nor went out on dates again, and I changed jobs so we stopped working together. This year, we went out on a friendly date, and about 2 months later he invited me over for dinner to his place. He said he didn't want anything serious.

He said that he didn't know what he wanted in a woman now, so that he wanted to "browse" around to see what was out there and decide what he liked. That is, he liked spending time with me but couldn't assure me that I'd be the only woman he was seeing. I argued that I wouldn't feel safe if we were to have sex, because he'd be sleeping with other people which would be a very high risk for both of us, at which he said he didn't sleep around, because sex was a very big step for him. He said he just wanted to get to know more women.

So we agreed to this "open relationship", and agreed to tell each other if we dated other people. After about 2 months, we had sex. So then we decided to make this relationship exclusive after we'd talked through it. But he said clearly that it wasn't because he was madly in love with me that he didn't want to see other people, but it was because he was planning to leave the country (he is from another country) in about a year's time, so he couldn't settle with anything serious. He did say there wasn't anyone else he'd rather see now.

I feel like I'm dealing with two different people: one of them (Tom1) is rather like the man I used to work with - professional, distant, we can talk about a couple of things and then conversation will stop with uncomfy silent gaps.

The other man (Tom2) is someone I've managed to get close to, with whom conversation runs freely and he's very open. We have moments every now and then when I feel I'm with the latter, but it's been thinning out lately. We spend real boring mornings, just watching TV and not knowing what to say, and it feels really awkward to be with "Tom1". But I feel like I just need to get close enough so that I can have him all the time in the "Tom2" state, but I don't know what to do! It's just become a rather monotonous routine. Even the sex has become a bit monotonous. I know that the first thing you'll say is probably that this relationship isn't going right, and that maybe we're just not right for each other, but I wanted to see if there was a way to save the relationship. I feel like I'm not interesting enough, or that he's getting bored of me, but I want to try and make it better. I want to know what kind of things you think "turn you off" or make you lose interest in a woman, and what makes you more attracted to a woman. I need a man's point of view. I used to think the huge age difference we had was the main problem for him, even though it's never been for me, but now I feel like it's something else, because if he liked me enough, he wouldn't be caring about the age difference or anything that came in between us. I feel like we have lots of things in common, like our personalities - neither of us is extremely social, but when you get close enough, we are very open and very friendly.

I still feel like we do have it when we have those real close moments. So I thought that could be something we could develop. Besides, I feel like I'm falling for him again, even though I've tried not to get too attached to him. I really do want to see if I can fix this relationship, make it better, or just make it work. I haven't been able to keep a relationship longer than 4 or 5 months before, and I'm reaching that time limit with Tom now. I'm starting to think it's something wrong in what I'm doing that doesn't allow my relationships to last long. I don't know what to do about it. Everybody says: play hard to get. Does that really work? How hard and how to do it? What if I really want to see him but want to wait for HIM to call me? I just feel desperate every time I have to wait.

A: Well, thanks very much for writing. I was really interested to read your account of what's going on for you, and I do have some thoughts. But I'd like to start with the comment you made about wanting a man's point of view on what makes a woman appealing and interesting, or what turns a man off. The answer is that there are as many things that can turn a man off as there are men: it's different for all men! Here's the truth - you can't make a man like or love you by being interesting or learning to amuse him in ways he likes. Far from it: because when you're concerned with the impact you're making on a man, you're not being your genuine self, and this, more than anything else, puts you at a disadvantage. If you're going to have a good relationship, being open, honest and above all being yourself are most important. I found your email fascinating, intelligent, and engaging. I am quite sure you already have all the qualities you need to have a great relationship - with the right man!

So why haven't you got it? I wonder if your self-esteem is a little bit low? Do you believe you deserve a good man and a great relationship? If not, then you might tend to settle for something less than you could achieve, and I wonder if perhaps that's what you're doing with Tom? My impression from what you say is that Tom is a split character, who, in the absence of therapy, is going to continue bouncing between resentment and attachment. This will never be what you want, or need, and I think you probably need to consider making a decisive break and finding a better relationship. I think the way to do this is for you to maybe seek some support - call it counseling if you like - that will support you in achieving a good relationship and seeing your true worth. If you're open to workshops, I'd suggest trying this, as I know many women have found it enormously helpful: http://www.womanwithin.org 

Q: I need a little guidance here. I'm a 28 year old woman - attractive, hot body, etc. in a relationship with a guy I am head over heels for. He is constantly professing his love for me also, which I take with a grain of salt because -- I think he is in love with what I do to him and how I make him feel (incredible blowjobs, massages, etc.) not so much with who I am. Sad for me, but my own fault. Problem: he's always been rather gluttonous about sex. I mean, he's a taker not a giver. He lays back and enjoys the way I touch him, kiss him, taste him, etc. I love to make him feel good (it makes me feel good) and in the back of my mind I do to him the things I would love for him to do to me. But I remain untouched, and unfulfilled. He has never gone down on me (it's shaved, and nice and clean), he has only touched my vulva 3 times, and it was all business - zero in on target. I know he is capable, just not willing for whatever reason and I find I have no voice. It feels like rejection every time we make love and he doesn't take the time to touch me first. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt his ego (feelings) and I don't have the guts to say something. I've tried hinting, and moving a little under his hand, but nothing. I need advice. Not something I have to say to him- because I can't. Something I can do to make him WANT to touch me. He loves to f*#k me but he doesn't understand that for woman, it's 85% seduction of the mind. Have I been too giving? Should I shut him off and make him come to me? Is it too late to play this game?

A: I can certainly understand how difficult this situation is for you.  Not for the first time I'm struck with awe about how lucky men are when they have a partner who's devoted to them: the way a woman wants to make things good for the man she loves is a powerful force. I suspect that men don't appreciate it enough, though, and when you combine that fact with men often are driven by the desire to satisfy themselves without much thought for their partners it can produce an unhappy situation.....as you know. I'm sorry to say this but I don't think there is any way you can "make" this guy want you or be better sexually. I know only too well a lot of women think they could change a man if only they knew the right way to go about it. Believe me - it doesn't work. The only way he'll change is if he wants to, and the only way you can find that out is by talking to him.

Suppose he doesn't change? Will you be prepared to go on not getting the satisfaction you deserve? I'm afraid you need to be firm here. Tell him what you want, why you want it, how he can give it to you - and see what happens. My guess is he'll get irritable, for he will then know you want more off him than he is prepared to give. If so - then you have to decide what you want.....a better relationship, or the status quo? But if he does respond - and there's always a chance he might - and starts working with you to give you a better sex life, and stops being so immature and selfish as he is now - then you still get what you want and you have all the pluses of this relationship too. I am sorry I can't find an easier way to say this. I don't want to collude in a process of hiding the truth from you. In short: you need to communicate with him, and if this doesn't work, then you must think about what you want and need most. Yes, that may mean ending the relationship. But better that than the unhappiness you now seem to be suffering.

Answer from the original questioner: Thanks for writing back and telling me everything I didn't want to hear. I was really hoping for some crafty techniques only known by the opposite sex:( How disappointing. I still think this sexual "laziness" is a learned habit not an innate trait. Men like David (my boyfriend) who are really good looking and well endowed have probably had an easy time attracting partners and satisfying their needs, at least in the short term. It probably doesn't help his situation when there's women like myself out there faking orgasms half the time so not to damage his ego, then going home and getting myself off a dozen times.

Funny, now that I wrote that it makes sense that most of his relationships have lasted less than 2 years (he's 32). Maybe no women ever told him the truth about his bedroom techniques. Are woman disillusioned because we are innately givers? Maybe men aren't as selfish as they appear, maybe we have been over trained in giving for too many eons. It almost seems as it has become part of our DNA. I just can't imagine holding back on making someone feel good, you know? Sometimes I really envy men, no guilt in just laying back and enjoying being taken care of. So last night, after reading your response I was trying to psych myself up to actually say something (even did 3 shots of Tequila to quell the fear) but once again I failed.

I was a little more persuasive with my actions and a couple of "no, not yet" lines. I was laying on my back, with my head off the edge of the bed, and he was standing over me so I could suck on his balls and lick his cock. He actually leaned forward and ran his hands down my belly (once) and rubbed my pussy (for about 30 seconds). I thought for sure he was going to 69 me because I did hint by raising my hips toward him but no.... I get wet really easy, and I think he takes that as a signal that I'm ready to f*#k.

The position was good, he sat on the edge of the bed and I faced him, wrapping my legs around his back, but I just wasn't worked up enough with foreplay. Then, after I faked an orgasm, he stood me up and bent me over the bureau in front of the mirror and took me from behind. One of my favorite positions! Seems like such a waste when I wasn't even close to being lubricated enough. Do you think I need more foreplay than the average woman? I mean I could really use like 20-30 minutes to get me going psychologically even though I get wet in three minutes.

Don't get me wrong I love quickies too, they have their place and time though. Maybe I'm being too obsessive about this whole sex thing. The more I think about it, the more I think about it.

Everything else in our relationship is so good, I am considering just accepting the status quo and being grateful for that alone. I don't know if any relationship can have all the elements we need or want, it seems to be a little farfetched to expect that. Unfortunately, my brain equates sexual fulfillment with a very deep sense of intimacy, of someone truly knowing me and loving me. Maybe in my next life I'll have it easy and come back as a man Thanks again for your wisdom, it did help.

Another reply from advice service: You know, 20 - 30 minutes is normal foreplay time for women. It takes the average woman 10 - 20 times as long to get aroused mentally as it does for the average man (which is 2 - 3 minutes. Sound familiar?) Sure, you may be wet, but for a woman (and indeed sometimes for men), being aroused physically does not equate to being aroused mentally, nor does it mean you are ready for sex. When you equate intimacy with powerful connected sex, you tap into the true nature of female sexuality, not the superficial version foisted on women by men's sexual demands. When you meet a man who understands this, and who knows how powerful the force of female sexuality can be when it comes from a woman's deepest place (by which I mean her heart and body connected in both love and sexual desire), you'll see that the most powerful sex comes from long foreplay, high arousal and mutual intimacy. So my challenge to you is to seek out what you deserve, and what I would say you are looking for, not to settle for a life of faked orgasms and sexual compromise....something that might empower you as a woman?

Compiled by Rod 20.07.09

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