Sex Questions From Men & Women

Q: I got married last month and am having a really good sexual relationship. Now we are facing my wife’s first menstruation period. She badly needs sex even in this period too. She thinks its ok since one of the counselors (before our marriage) told her sex on periods is OK with condoms. Since it's her desire, we did sex three times in this period but only once was it successful. In other words two times I found that I didn't like to proceed with it and my penis wasn’t ready.

So I had to give up saying that I don't want sex during her period. But she was really disappointed and it's made some sort of a problem in between us: from her point of view, she has got it as a rejection. She thinks everybody does it (according to pervious counselor's advice). What I should do?

A: It's a natural part of life together that a couple will have disagreements like this from time to time! The answer is to talk it through with each other. She needs a lot of reassurance, as many women do, over and over again, about your love for her and about the fact that you are not rejecting her. You also need to make sure that she understands that you don't like sex when she is having her period: and it is entirely a matter of choice for each man and each woman whether or not they enjoy and are prepared to have sex during this time. So you need to tell her what you feel and what you want and don't want, but you love her and there is no rejection involved. If she feels you are rejecting her, you need to reassure her you are not in fact doing so. But if you were willing to compromise and try and have sex at this time, perhaps you could have a shower or bath together before sex and then use lubricant and a condom?

Q: My query is in regards to not being able to make my male partner ejaculate when performing oral sex on him. He says that no one has ever been able to make him 'come' before and that he finds oral sex uninteresting or not stimulating. I have tried on several occasions and found that he looses stiffness in his penis after a couple of minutes. He in turn has no interest in performing oral sex on me for the same reasons. If performing oral sex on him, he declines any kissing with our mouths as he finds it dirty. He seems uninterested in kissing, licking etc... when we share sex. He has confessed to me of a traumatic experience as a young teenager in which he was gang raped by men. I wonder if his behavior is linked to that experience or if there are any other reasons as to why a male would not be interested in oral sex with a female. Would you be so kind as to help me shed some light over this issue.

A: The odd thing is that this is not as unusual as you might think. Many men find that they just don't get enough stimulation from oral sex to keep their erection or ejaculate. Your guy might need a combination of hand and mouth - combining the delicate and often exquisite pleasure of a partner's mouth with a firmer touch from your hand (you could try your finger and thumb encircling his penis and sweeping up and down every so often). By showing him how enjoyable it can be (most men seem to think so!) he may come to like it more - the firmer touch might be the key. On the other hand if he really doesn't find it that much of a turn on, then I guess you might need to consider some other form of play - massage, sensuous kissing and mutual masturbation with fingers are all possibilities. If you'd like him to go down on you, and I think most women do enjoy this form of pleasure, then try seducing him - share a bath, wash well, then step out and make him aware of the glory of you feminine form - the body he can enjoy with you if he chooses to. I'm sure that you'll know how best to get him excited, but if you can exert a degree of control over him - for example, tell him "It's my turn to decide what we do - you relax and enjoy", then you might be able to tease him to get him sexually aroused and then he may be more willing to let you stroke and kiss his penis.

Don't go over the top if you do this - you need, I think, to introduce him to the pleasure of oral sex gradually, so it is not too much of a shock for him, so that the pleasure comes before any negative feelings he may have about oral sex. If the negative experiences you describe have anything to do with his aversion to oral sex, then yes, he may need to be turned on before you try oral sex. (As opposed to trying to turn him on by giving him oral sex.) As he shows signs of pleasure then step things up a bit. If I may be frank, you might start by kissing his glans and taking the end of his penis briefly in your mouth, before moving on to take more of the shaft and for longer periods. I think this might help - and if it does, then you are well-placed to ask him to reciprocate. Just ask him to breath in your scent, not necessarily lick or kiss at first. Most men find the scent of their partner's vulva very exciting, though the key for your guy, I think, is that he needs to be aroused before he starts giving you oral sex. Many people find things acceptable and exciting when they are sexually aroused that they don't when they are just "getting going". So in short - tease and arouse him, then seduce him, and when he is excited you may find him more willing to engage in oral pleasure.

Q: I think I come too quickly during sex and I have been trying to find information on how to treat it but it seems very varied. I feel it is frustrating my partner and this is adding to the stress of the situation. I have read that SSRI's work well, do you need to see a doctor to have them prescribed? Would be very grateful for any advice.

A: This can be very frustrating for both partners! As you may know, the main cause is that a man is just too aroused in his body and he fires off before he or his partner wish it. The answer can lie in SSRIs but I tend to think it unethical for a doctor to prescribe them if you aren't depressed! My own view is that it is better to learn through a structured program of exercises how to control your level of arousal so that you don't actually ejaculate too soon. I have written some notes on premature ejaculation treatment here.

Q: I have recently been going out with a new girlfriend and I have never had sex before. We recently tried to have sex and everything was going fine until it came to the actual sex itself when I could no longer keep an erection! I am 21 and have never had a problem trying to keep an erection before, most advice on the Internet for this is for men aged 30-50 so why is this happening to me? I don't want to start taking any chemicals as I don't want to rely on pills to have sex. any advice would be most appreciated!

A: First time sex loss of erection is so common, and it's almost always from two causes: (1) Nervousness, about the new adventure of sex, or (2) You know deep down you don't really want to have sex with this particular person. In the first case, you need to take things very slowly, talk it through with your girl, and laugh about it when things go wrong.....because intimacy is the key to being relaxed and confident with her. Being honest and open is a great step too if you have never had sex before: have you told her you're a virgin? If she's a virgin too, then yes, it can be quite challenging to make love for the first time, but with a bit of time, intimacy, and a slow relaxed approach to it, you can get over the problem. Why not let her give you oral sex or masturbate you before you go for intercourse itself?

This will get you both used to each other's bodies....and you of course can get her to show you how she likes her clitoris to be touched, so you can give her pleasure. Oral sex is a great way for young men to start giving pleasure to a woman, because she's very likely to reach orgasm and that makes you feel good - confident, and successful. You can then most likely enjoy intercourse without worrying about her pleasure, even if you come really quickly. You can stay inside her after you come, if you stay hard, which she may well enjoy. You don't have to think of her pleasure as coming from intercourse! (Very few women come through intercourse anyway. For most women it's more about connection with their man.) In the second case, well...I guess you know the answer!

Q: When my penis is erect, it points a little downward and it affects some sex positions. Are there any exercises or ways to make it point straight out instead of downwards when erected?

A: I don't think there is a way of making your erection angle point higher up. What I would suggest is that you try some Kegel exercises to strengthen your pubococcygeus muscles. This may help you a little in your objective!

Q: I recently came across your website and would love to get some advice about a relationship that I am currently involved in. My partner and I have been dating for seven months, but prior to meeting each other he was in a 3 year relationship. As a matter of fact, he was still struggling with this when I met him in April 2008. (She was the one to end the relationship).

Anyway, I recently discovered that his old girlfriend was 'into rough sex'..(things like being held down, choked, etc). My understanding is that it wasn't abusive at all, just more like 'role playing.' My question is that when we had sex the first time and for each successive time that we would be in bed together, he would use the same kind of behavior with me. Not knowing at the time about his old girlfriend's choice of sexual behavior and what they did sexually in that relationship, I just thought it was something that he wanted to try with me - and in all honesty, I enjoyed it - but now, knowing that it was 'behavior' that was carried over from a prior relationship, I am rather hurt.

Should I be hurt about this? I have to wonder if he was thinking about her while he was with me (he did tell me that he loved her deeply). So, is it normal for a man to bring that into a new relationship? Is it possible that he's not really over her yet? And should I feel bad about this at all? What's really peculiar is that I did notice that the last time we were together, just a few weeks ago, that he didn't attempt any sort of that 'rough behavior' with me. It was very noticeable and completely caught me off guard. He seriously went from 'sexually aggressive with the holding down and rough behavior' for the past 6 months to more of a 'passionate love making' event. So if you could explain any of this to me, this would help so much.  He is in his mid 40's and was dating a girl a couple of years younger. I am in my late 30's..Not sure if that matters but didn't want you to think that this was coming from a teenager! 

A: I doubt this has anything to do with his previous relationship. I think it is much more likely that this is just something he is attracted to sexually, and finds arousing. If you enjoy it as well, and you are doing it in a safe way, so there is no danger of erotic asphyxiation, then that is probably ok. If there is any sense that he is violent or abusive, or that this behavior could go that way, then I strongly suggest you leave the relationship. If he shows no sign of that behavior again, then I'd be inclined to suggest he has tried it, found what he wants from it, and is now moving to a different psycho-sexual place.

Q: My concern is that I am in a great relationship right now with one of my best friends. I was a hypospadias baby, and I had surgery to correct it. My girlfriend Deanna wants to have sex with me, but I am greatly discouraged by it, due to the fact that I lost about 95% sensitivity on the bottom side of my penis, and about 65% on both the left and right sides. With my glans, I lost 25% of sensitivity, due to the extensive scar tissues from surgery. She wants sex with a condom, and when ever I hear that word condom, it just makes me discouraged. I can barely masturbate with normal sensations, but with a condom, It would take me 3 hours just to get close to climax, but my partner would be tired out (as I know from bitter experience). What do I do?

A: Reading your email reminded me of the tribulations men with hypospadias go through just to have a normal sex life. It can be very hard indeed. I was talking to another man with the same challenge as you a week or two ago, and he had taken this approach, which I think sounds like it may work for you: gain your girl's trust, and explain to her the problem. The likelihood is that she will be very understanding and supportive if you are open and honest with her.

In fact that step of establishing trust is in some ways the most crucial of all, because working together to find great ways of enjoying sex is a large part of building intimacy and understanding. You don't say if penetrative sex is something you enjoy, despite the lack of feeling, but I'd like to remind you that there are many ways to pleasure your partner - oral sex and whole body massage being two of the most obvious. If she has had an orgasm when you penetrate her, she may well simply enjoy the feeling of connection without ejaculation.

Having said that, what of your pleasure? Well, dispense with the condom and ask her to go on the pill. If she wants confirmation of your "safe" status, you may need to have a blood test to reassure her. That's not a bad thing. Then, I would suggest anything that you can do to get highly aroused before you start the sexual intercourse will help you to come more quickly - whether that be role play, her dressing up, teasing you, using sex toys or whatever - you know best what will arouse you. Another idea, which may or may not appeal to you, is to have her massage your prostate with a finger, for this will increase your sexual pleasure enormously. I know that may not appeal to all, but if you use a small amount of water to douche before sex, there is no hygiene problem. You can read about this in a very interesting book, Margot Anand's "Sexual Ecstasy, The Art of Orgasm".

Compiled by Rod 20.07.09

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